Friday, August 27, 2010

lkdAJWIjs

there is this place i like to go.
a place where the river meets the ocean.
or the ocean meets the river.
however that works.
it's peaceful to me.
the only drawback is this is a popular place.
and i'm more a fan of the unpopulated place.
i go to this place (with the boys).
always with the boys.
there are no options.
i take callie for a walk.
the boys play on 'the rock'.
or they walk with me.
or they play on the beach while i walk.
callie gets in the water.
then i sit.
there's a little concrete slab thing.
when the tide isn't too high i can sit right on it.
the view is truly beautiful.
maybe i should have shown the view.
instead of my purple toes.
looking to the left is the open ocean.
to the right is the river.
not the best photo.
but i don't really care.
the sun was in my eyes.
i am always searching/looking for things that make me feel.
because i spend so much time not feeling.
but then odd out of the blue things fill me with emotion.
things that 'should' make me cry, don't.
through it all, through the last year and whatever it's been now....
i try hard not to focus on the amount of time that has passed...
i hold out hope.
hope for something better in my life.
at some point.
hope to feel 'normal'.
not back to the way i was, because i will never be that again.
but MY new normal.
hope that some day that completely sad/overcome/empty feeling will entirely go away.
sometimes i just don't think i can take the sadness anymore.
my life is SO much better than it was.
i HAVE made good choices.
i recognize and acknowledge that.
but even so, i am still filled with such a sadness.
an emptiness.
and i just really really really want it to go away.
where is that softer me.
instead of the hard-edged not gonna let anyone in again me.
i feel like so much has been taken.
yet i still have so much to be thankful for.
i know i need to focus on that.
some days, it's just easier said, than done.

2 comments:

Cindy said...

just know that one day your NEW normal will just be "your normal". the stabbing sick feelings when you think about james will go away and be replaced by a warm, contented and sweet memory.

it will happen. usually making it to that 2nd year anniversary sometimes releases us from those sick feelings. sometimes not. eventually it will happen.

i think the new life you chose for you and the boys was the best thing you could have done. it showed your strength and power. you moved to a place that will be wonderful for your boys to grow up in. and eventually (when you are ready and not before) you will find someone to share the rest of your life with.

and it will be good....

cindy

Quiet Violet said...

I'm so jealous of your beautiful beaches! Glad you guys had a nice summer and the boys are about to start school! Ahh! Where did the year go?

Thinking about you, my dear.

-Violet