containment.

this post is for me.
documenting a part of my life in a way i never have before.
this is me.
at my absolute weakest.
what would possess me to grab my iPhone and take THIS photo??
looking at photographs is like stopping time.
you can see yourself (or whatever it is you are looking at) in an EXACT moment.
that, for me, is key.
key in helping me determine just what the fuck it is, or was, that was making me so sad/angry/unhappy/whatever.
in that given moment.
'that moment' is the point where i want to say fuck it.
where i want to let myself fall over the edge.
no, you don't need to be worried about me.
i'm just talking about a momentary break.
a way to escape.
that can be done in many ways.
so far, i have been able to stop myself from going over the edge.
but letting it happen is appealing to me.
because in that nothingness, you're happy.
yes, i know it's a false happy.
but it's a break.
my pattern is this.
i get sad.
then angry.
then pissed off.
yes, angry and pissed off are two different things to me.
then i get the attitude that i don't give a fuck.
it's hard to come back from that.
easy to let myself go.
for a bit.
as i have been doing a lot lately, i struggled with whether or not to post this.
i considered writing it, and just leaving it unposted in drafts.
but this is me.
there is this part of me.
a part i am....well....constantly trying to contain.
this is not a cry for help.
i am fine.
so no 'kimberly, seek help' comments.
i would never do anything to cause pain to my boys.
it is my plan to ALWAYS be here for them.
if you don't like what you read here, stop reading.
i'm just sayin.
the boys do not see this side of me.
i need a place to let it out.
and this is it.
on the up side (and this makes me laugh)...and no people, i'm really not crazy, i have damn cute hair.
tonight, at least.
as you can see, i overcame the moment of weakness.
now i am back to being my smart-ass self.
all is well.
i just feel it's important for me to post this.
it's almost as if my blog (at times) has become my art journal.
sans the art part. *sigh* how i miss making art.
i seem to be so completely touched, and easily overcome by music.
that was what set me off earlier, sitting here at my desk.
the boys were taking their showers.
i was listening to music.
as i always do.
and a song came on that just brought on this rush of powerful emotion.
it overtook me.
filled me with so much emotion.
the only way i could deal was to let it out.
that's how i roll.
i keep it all inside.
and then something totally unrelated to all the crap brings it out.
a song.
a simple song.
a melody.
and then it ALL comes pouring out.
and then it passes.
and all is well.

grief.

this post may not make much sense.

at least to someone else.

everyone grieves differently.

i do believe that to be true.

for me, at first, i couldn't grieve at all.

i was in too much shock.

my body went on auto pilot.

i cared for the boys.

did the things you do.

planned a service.

talked to E's teacher so she knew his father died.

so she would understand his behavior at school.

so began our life without james.

i would be overcome by severe and take your breath away emptiness.

throw up.

again and again.

a sadness i had not experienced before.

then i would go back on auto pilot for a while.

it was my body and mind's way of saying...whoa....that's a little too much there.

too much to handle.

too much to process.

there were so many stages of grief.

i am still grieving.

yet at this point, it doesn't take over my life.

at times, yes.

but not in an on-going holy fucking crap i can't breathe kind of way.

i can now talk about james.

and smile while doing it.

course, i'm sad too, but i can laugh, and think back fondly.

i can also, look back at photos, laugh AND cry at the same time.

happiness from the memories and sadness that there will never be more like them.

that include james.

why did i choose to post this particular photo you might wonder.

it's the last photograph of alexander and his father together.

alexander is four in the photo.

it was taken on september 1, 2008.

james died 5 weeks after this photo was taken.

it was a spur of the moment decision to take the boys miniature golfing that day.

alexander looks so young.

he seems so big to me now.

like a completely different kid now.

so grown up compared to how he looked in this photo.

here's the thing i'm most sad about (regarding my relationship with james).

i appreciated him when he was alive.

oh, you bet your ass i did.

i knew what a good man he was.

i knew it from the moment i met him.

but, what i didn't know....what i didn't FULLY realize, until james was gone.....

i didn't really appreciate him enough.

i didn't relish (is that even the right word) in us laying naked together.

when we were together, just the two of us (boys asleep or whatever)....there always seemed like there was something else we should be doing.

not just laying together, enjoying each other.

oh how wrong i was.

i appreciated the man he was.

the father he was.

yes, he had flaws.

we all do.

but i KNEW in the depths of my soul he was good.

and meant for me.

because he was.

and i wish, oh how i wish i would have just enjoyed HIM.

his body.

but it's true.

i miss that part of him.

of us.

and wish i would have given myself more fully to him in that way.

devoured him, and just fucking soaked it in.

as if it was going to go away.

because what do you know.

it did.

we were one way alone together.

the way two people are when they are crazy about each other.

the boys knew we loved each other.

we kissed, held hands in front of them....

but they never saw the raw sexual-intertwined emotional side of us.

as they shouldn't.

that was between us (me and james. uh, james and i)?

i just wish i had been more selfish, almost, and taken more of that time for us.

but we were always this.

or that.

i wish i had more fully appreciated that part of us.

because i miss it.

why have i been thinking so much about james lately?

i do not know the answer to that.

i really missed him today.

i miss him everyday.

but tonight i sought out photos.

i wanted to SEE him.

i can no longer smell him.

or feel him.

so i wanted to see him.

with the boys.

or at least one of them.

i think it was taking the boys to the aquatic center today.

watching their interaction.

knowing if james would have been there he would have been in the pool/going down the slide every second right along with the boys.

they have a different life now.

not bad.

just different.

so good in some respects.

but so sad and empty in others.

that feeling.

WAY more than i would like, i feel, and have felt that feeling.
the feeling that time is running out.
that there is never enough time.
for me to sleep.
for me to paint.
for me to do other things that i want and need to do.
for me to be present and engaged with the boys.
i feel like i have to pack as much as i can into every minute that i have.
it's almost a panic, at times.
yet i'm not capable of doing it.
i'm wondering how to make that feeling go away.
it's like when you go on a trip, and you can't wait to go.
and the trip goes by in the blink of an eye.
before you know it, the trip is over and it's time to go home.
that's sort of how i feel about painting.
and doing other things.
about my kid-free time.
i wish i could make that feeling go away.
james' death has made me VERY aware of how quickly time goes by.
and how things can change.
and that you need to appreciate what you have while you have it.
appreciate every good thing that comes your way.
i hope to never lose sight of that.
and the other things i know to be important.
james' death really, truly did make me aware of what is truly important.
the things that really matter.

judment.

i shouldn't post right now.
but here's what i say.
fuck it.
i have spent too much time NOT posting things because of what i 'should' do.
it's making me fade away.
why do people constantly bombard you with what THEY think YOU should be.
or do.
who can possibly think that my life is perfect.
i know the answer to that but i won't actually type it out.
my best friend, the man i love (here's where i'm not sure if i should put loved or love). because i loved him when he was alive. and i still love him now.
how can someone judge MY life.
when they haven't watched their husband with tubes and machines.
haven't smelled the smells that accompany days on end in a hospital.
how your husband doesn't look like your husband anymore.
he doesn't smell the way he used to smell.
you can't smell 'him' anymore.
only the plastic vent tube smell.
the smell of putrid liquid going into your husband through a feeding tube.
watched him go through hell, losing who he was because some random mother fucking virus attacked his heart.
because i was able to sell my house, and have another one built....my life is perfect.
just in case you were wondering.
what's not to love?
raising two children who miss their father more than anything.
telling them their father died.
watching the man you love with mucus coming out of his mouth because there's a ventilator tube down his throat.
so you take the suction thing and suck it out.
because it's the right thing to do.
because he deserves dignity.
looking at the man you love, laying in a hospital bed.
with eyes that don't see you.
with a body that doesn't respond.
making the decision to take him off life support.
living your life without him.
but yeah. life is perfect.
because i can make my house payment.
would it make you happier if i couldn't??
is that what you want?!
i will get this out and then feel better.
i KNOW i am lucky.
you better fucking believe i know that.
and i CAN do this.
i AM doing it.
and finding ways to grab on to little bits of happy.
hoping to find a way to hold on to more.
and i am angry (sometimes).
angry that i have NOTHING close to a regular family.
every relationship i have with my 'immediate' family is somehow fucked up.
i have not one single person that i can turn to.
and be completely open and honest with and feel like i am not being judged.
i have to find a way to let this anger go.
because it burns inside me.
it's always there.
and the relationship my boys have with james' family is pretty much nonexistent.
i guess if anything is ever to change, *I* must be the one that changes it.
why is that.
why is it always me making the effort.
i sometimes think certain peeps in my family say and do things out of jealousy.
jealously that i might have something they do not.
maybe jealousy isn't the right word.
maybe it's just they are so unhappy in their own world that they feel they must compare theirs to yours?
why can't people just be happy for you when good things happen.
and be there for you when they don't.
why does THEIR judgment have to enter the picture.
i just shake my head.
and now it's out.
and i feel better.
time to move on.

seattle.

took a quick trip to seattle.
up on monday.
home on tuesday.
on my list of things to do....
pike fish market.
james and i never made it there together.
i wish we would have.
feeling overwhelmed.
i have sat and typed.
and deleted.
and typed.
and deleted.
can't get it all straight.
i just think it's time to let go of some of the shit.
so i can get out from under it.
i have been so filled with want and need to talk about james lately.
and i'm not sure why.
why now?
i get so completely filled with sadness about what the boys don't have in their lives.
but i can't discuss that here.
god how i wish i could immerse myself in painting.
or art journaling.
but once again, i feel 100% uninspired.
a complete and total lack of artistic energy.
i sure am going to be pissed when i piss away this time that i have and have nothing to show for it, aren't i.
scared shitless about something.
yeah. one more thing i can't talk about here.
i shake my head at that.
i know how to fix it.
just pisses me off that i have to.
so i have done nothing.
and posted very little.

blog posts should not have titles.

it bothers me that i miss being part of an 'us'.
why can't i just suck it back in, take it back to the level it used to be (before james) and be happy with it just being me.
and not an us.
i am down with spending time by myself.
i don't like to paint when people are around.
i guess i'm just figuring out that i also like knowing there is someone for me to be with when i am ready.
when i want it.
it REALLY bothers me that i miss being part of an us.
i guess i thought i was more independent than that.
maybe i see wanting someone to hold me as a sign of weakness.
it's almost sad to me, that not much seems to phase me.
i'm not surprised when things don't go the way i thought they were going to go.
i'm not surprised when people say they will do things and they don't.
i'm also starting to get pissed off that i can't say what i really want to say here.
this blog is my journal.
yet i'm having to edit myself.
which totally pisses me off.
time to start a new blog??
thinking about it.

4th of july 2008, 2009 and 2010

ethan
july 4, 2010
just look at his face.
he was truly excited and happy.


i was thinking, as i was driving home from the beach last night, about my past july 4th festivities.

2008 brought bob and elizabeth to town.
james and the boys and i went to lake tahoe with dan, jan, rachael, bob and elizabeth.
rachael soaked james with a bucket full of water as he was laying on the beach.
not to worry.
he got her back later.
a nice dinner and hanging at our house.
then later we made the trek to rancho san rafael park to watch the fireworks.
it involved a long walk to/from our car up and down a steep hill.
it was the first time i truly became scared and acknowledged that james was, in fact, getting worse.
he couldn't make the walk.
he eventually made it, telling me to take the boys on up ahead.
he didn't want them to miss any of the fireworks.
bob and elizabeth stayed with james.
and walked slowly.
very slowly.
fireworks were nice.
but for me, over-shadowed by the fear and worry that james was no longer able to walk that distance.
it was three months later that james died.

4th of july 2009 found the boys and i sick with the flu.
all three of us.
at the same time.
puking.
it was fucking miserable.
we didn't go anywhere.
or do anything.
we were supposed to spend the 4th with my brother and his kids in california.
but yeah...that didn't happen.


fast forward to 2010.
began the day by discussing with the boys what the 4th of july represents.
surprisingly enough, they had no idea.
i want them to know about the declaration of independence, who wrote it....the true meaning, not just that it's a holiday, we blow shit up and bbq food.
that is part of it....and i'm fine with that, as long as they understand the root of why we do what we do.
we live in a beautiful, small coastal town.
i bought fireworks.
that's a first for me.
they aren't allowed where we used to live.
so i was excited that the boys would have this experience.
we met up with a friend in the morning for the parade.
then later in the day met up with another friend for a beach bonfire, good food, and of course...the setting off of a hell of a lot of fireworks!
i heard ethan say, "this is the best 4th of july ever!"
with supervision and help the boys set off their very first fireworks.
and they couldn't have been more happy.
i, personally, had a really nice time.
tons of people all up and down the beach with bonfires, lighting fireworks...pretty damn cool.
these ordinary, gee, this sure is nice kind of day/moments....
they ARE how you're supposed to feel.
this IS it.
acknowledge it.
fucking breathe it in.
it felt good to be where i was.
it was when the boys were asleep in the car as i drove home that i became sad.
and scared.
happy, sad and scared at the same time.
happy to have had such a nice day.
sad because i miss james, and i know the boys miss their father.
think i better add guilty to that list.
i felt guilty because i had a nice 4th.
and i feel like i shouldn't be having 'nice' times.
times that almost feel normal.
if i could just completely let go of my past and get on with it.
i know it's okay...more than that....that i should have happiness in my life....it's all just very convaluted and confusing.
scared....well...i was scared because i felt a little bit of happy.
i am scared to feel good.
because i know how much it hurts when that good goes away.

things.

i always drive with my window down.
even when it's raining.
i can't stop eating organic animal crackers from costco.
i read magazines from back to front.
if there's an article i want to read i read it.
then continue back to front.
haven't painted in almost two weeks.
that's a product of the boys being out of school for the summer.
i read somewhere, can't remember where, that if you let go of what you 'think' your life should be, and just let it be what it is, you'll be a lot happier.
good advice.
really missing having someone to live this life with.
to share things with.
to call.
text.
email.
hold hands with.
cuddle up next to and sleep with.
missing that person to talk to about things.
to have meaningful conversation with.
to talk about nothing with.
it's so weird to say, for ME to say....since i like spending time by myself....
i really miss being part of something. part of 'us'.
while i am strong, and can stand up for myself, and by myself.....
it was nice knowing someone was there for me.
when i needed him.
and even when i didn't.