Saturday, July 12, 2008

i've been thinking. warning **long post**

i've been doing some thinking. some soul searching, really. it occurred to me today, while sitting with alexander, that i have been feeling intimidated. intimidated by emily falconbridge, and tara whitney, and the other 7 wonderful women i will be going to thailand with. i am always doubting myself. always feeling like i need to explain myself, that i'm not good enough. and then i thought to myself. damn. that is a lot of wasted energy. seriously. i have got to stop looking at myself in such a negative light. i do not judge other people. why is it i often feel judged by others. i choose to stay home and raise my children. later, when i feel it's time i will do something else. i have already started down that path (in opening my etsy shop). in painting again. but the time is not here yet. the boys are still young. it seems like it takes forever, but it's really the blink of an eye. before i know it, alexander will be in school all day like ethan. i know i would regret not having spent this time with them.

my priorities are changing. my children (and james) are still at the top. but i'm also beginning to place importance on myself, to understand it's okay to let the other parts of me out, that i don't have to just be a wife and mom. i can (and should) find my own way in this life. that i have an identity other than mom, and wife. and that's okay. it's more than okay. it's necessary. it's all a constant struggle for balance, and that is something that doesn't come easily to me. why is my first instinct to place everyone else first? does that benefit my children? perhaps...depending on the scenario....but i also want to teach them to value women. i want to be a good rounded role model for the boys.

this constant questioning myself, editing myself, feeling like i don't have anything to offer....it's got to stop. it's not going to be easy. i have been down this road for a loooong time. it's exhausting, always wondering...replaying...questioning....i just want to live. and while i say i don't really give a flying f*ck what others think, that's not 100% true. for the most part it's true, but in the aspects of my life that i feel are very important to me personally (my art, scrapping and art journal)....it's not true. that is something i struggle with.

not sleeping does not help any of this. insomnia, allergies, being a night owl to begin with, never having time to create except when the boys and james are sleeping....none of that helps matters. i still need to figure out how to not be so utterly and completely exhausted. that will help me feel creative again. when i am tired, i just don't feel it. at all. so i sit. and do not create. anything.

i haven't really been feeling very social. which is odd. because i've been spending a lot of time with jan. she makes me laugh. she and i have a lot in common and i really enjoy spending time with her. but i've been quiet. and just today figured out that it's because i feel intimidated by everyone i am going to thailand with. at least now that i have figured out what has been bothering me i can move on. i haven't felt like scrapping, painting, or working in my art journal. that is the stuff that used to help me, make me feel better. so while E and james were at a birthday party, and alexander was resting, i sat down at my table and scrapped this page. for me, it's about getting the emotion out. i am done with design teams and blah blah blah. that's not what it is about for me. maybe some day i will want to go that route again, but not right now.

i hope to return from thailand feeling independent, recharged (socially, emotionally)...and with new purpose.

7 comments:

scrappinsher said...

Well look at you! I am so proud of you. I think it's easy for SAHM to feel insignificant. Our society has a way with making that happen. You have the MOST important job in the world. But you must always remember that YOU are important too. Finding yourself will make your hubby and kids happy too! Big hugs!

Patrice~ said...

{sigh}
you are an
incredible woman.
Took me years to
understand that it was o.k.
to prioritize me
and my needs.
I think I understand
your feeling intimidated
by your upcoming
adventure to Thailand.

but try to see
what I see in you:

unbelievably talented.
articulate.
expressive.
creative.
honest.
nurturing.
compassionate.
lively.
artistic.
loyal. honest. true.

you bring alot to
the Thai table, Kimberly.

pull up your chair
and take a seat.
you deserve it.

Kari said...

Well said. I spend all day dealing with the babies and then try to keep up with anyone else whose talent I admire. I have to just decide that it's not a fair comparison--I get to see all my short-comings and poopy diapers and insecurities and compare it with their best work. I will always come up short.

It's easier to tell someone else, (for example: wow, Kimberly, your art work is amazing. such great color and depth. how do you do it?) than it is to tell myself. But I do need to tell myself.

And do you, too. Because you've got it, girl. I'm so excited to meet you. (And to have someone who shares all the insecurities--so glad I won't be alone.)

Trish said...

Kimberly....I know how hard it is and I have a lot of the same fear and insecurities.

I always feel not good enough socially, creatively and in what I do in my home life.

I know you are going to have a great time in Thailand and I am always amazed by your work!

Also check out this book. I was a really good mom before I had kids.

It is a great read and deals with moms not feeling good enough.

Lisa said...

You know girl...your talent is only matched by your honesty.

That is what I love about you!

You are on the road that you have chosen and that is meant for you. And you have friends and family who care about you to help you along the way. Feel confident in that knowledge.

And I couldn't agree with Patrice more, you are so deserving of this Thai opportunity.

Your artistry and the honest way in which you interpret the world around you with that artistry are precious.

You are going to soar Kimberly. If nothing else, have confidence in the fact that WE have confidence in YOU!

~Amie~ said...

HUGS to you Kimberly- And just for the record, I think you totally rock!!

jensmack said...

We all have those moments - no matter what we spend the day doing. It's okay to feel that way and to take some time to evaluate our lives. It's good to do that. I think people who DON'T do that are the ones with the real problems.

You're going to have a blast on that trip - I really feel like it's going to truly open your eyes and make you feel WONDERFUL!