i've been doing some thinking. some soul searching, really. it occurred to me today, while sitting with alexander, that i have been feeling intimidated. intimidated by emily falconbridge, and tara whitney, and the other 7 wonderful women i will be going to thailand with. i am always doubting myself. always feeling like i need to explain myself, that i'm not good enough. and then i thought to myself. damn. that is a lot of wasted energy. seriously. i have got to stop looking at myself in such a negative light. i do not judge other people. why is it i often feel judged by others. i choose to stay home and raise my children. later, when i feel it's time i will do something else. i have already started down that path (in opening my etsy shop). in painting again. but the time is not here yet. the boys are still young. it seems like it takes forever, but it's really the blink of an eye. before i know it, alexander will be in school all day like ethan. i know i would regret not having spent this time with them.
my priorities are changing. my children (and james) are still at the top. but i'm also beginning to place importance on myself, to understand it's okay to let the other parts of me out, that i don't have to just be a wife and mom. i can (and should) find my own way in this life. that i have an identity other than mom, and wife. and that's okay. it's more than okay. it's necessary. it's all a constant struggle for balance, and that is something that doesn't come easily to me. why is my first instinct to place everyone else first? does that benefit my children? perhaps...depending on the scenario....but i also want to teach them to value women. i want to be a good rounded role model for the boys.
this constant questioning myself, editing myself, feeling like i don't have anything to offer....it's got to stop. it's not going to be easy. i have been down this road for a loooong time. it's exhausting, always wondering...replaying...questioning....i just want to live. and while i say i don't really give a flying f*ck what others think, that's not 100% true. for the most part it's true, but in the aspects of my life that i feel are very important to me personally (my art, scrapping and art journal)....it's not true. that is something i struggle with.
not sleeping does not help any of this. insomnia, allergies, being a night owl to begin with, never having time to create except when the boys and james are sleeping....none of that helps matters. i still need to figure out how to not be so utterly and completely exhausted. that will help me feel creative again. when i am tired, i just don't feel it. at all. so i sit. and do not create. anything.
i haven't really been feeling very social. which is odd. because i've been spending a lot of time with jan. she makes me laugh. she and i have a lot in common and i really enjoy spending time with her. but i've been quiet. and just today figured out that it's because i feel intimidated by everyone i am going to thailand with. at least now that i have figured out what has been bothering me i can move on. i haven't felt like scrapping, painting, or working in my art journal. that is the stuff that used to help me, make me feel better. so while E and james were at a birthday party, and alexander was resting, i sat down at my table and scrapped this page. for me, it's about getting the emotion out. i am done with design teams and blah blah blah. that's not what it is about for me. maybe some day i will want to go that route again, but not right now.
i hope to return from thailand feeling independent, recharged (socially, emotionally)...and with new purpose.