finished.

finished. i think.
it has depth (not as in distance).
though it does have that too.
depth as in, there is a lot to it.
layers.
texture.
strength.
contrast (light and dark).
rich, deep colors.
you can't see it in the photo but the black has so much color to it.
red, yellow, white, purple.
i can't tell you how much better it looks in person.

alexander harrison danger reed.

one of my absolute all time favoriate photos of alexander.

sept 15, 2010

he was freshly out of the shower with his long locks hanging down.

love.

like seriously.

i love love love this kid.

and this photo.

this week hasn't been the best.

i am beyond exhausted.

forgetting things.

what i wouldn't pay for decent sleep.

for the asshole construction dude building the house across the street to not start working at 5am.

some things have been upsetting me this week.

things, it turns out, that i just needed to remind myself don't really matter.

what matters is what i have been through.

the crazy intense love james and i had for each other.

that i am doing what i need to for the boys.

and TRYING to do what i need for myself.

but sometimes i lose my way.

things become hard.

when they don't need to be.

so today i made the boys lay in bed with me.

and let them play their DSI's.

and i took a nap.

because if i didn't, it would have been a bad scene.

i am trying to get myself pumped back up.

so i can function at the level the boys need me to function at.

that *I* NEED to function at.

so instead of just talking about this shit, i can actually DO some of it.

written in a moment of extreme emotion.

i once told therapist dude i thought the only way i could ever get over james was to find someone else to be with.
that i wanted someone to fill that huge, giant void in my life.
not that any person would ever replace james.
because they couldn't.
therapist dude's response: you're never going to 'get over' james. you're always going to love him. and miss him. but you are going to find a way to live your life without him.
so sometimes i feel like i am living two seperate lives.
one where i am paralyzed by sadness and literally am sick to my stomach because i miss james so much.
and one where life feels...well....normal.
because i KNOW my life doesn't include james now.
i realize that.
everything james-related is in the past.
it's just that that is so sad.
sometimes, i see or hear something.
something that sends me back in time.
like in a stupid movie where someone is being shocked because their heart stopped.
and that person dies.
yes. i realize it's just a movie.
but i have ALWAYS been very affected by movies, television, music....
art....
i sometimes think i feel things so, hm, how to describe it.
it just feels like things are coming at me hard and fast.
but nothing has really changed.
except internally.
and it's all because some sad shit happened in a movie, or whatever, and then all the emotion that i spend all this time and energy keeping down inside all the sudden comes RUSHING to the top.
sometimes i see james' blank, staring eyes.
and picture his body jumping up off the OR table after the defibrilator was implanted because they had to stop his heart and test the device.
fucking harsh.
and horrible.
but that shit actually happened.
it's the thing i was most distraught over while waiting in the waiting room while james was in surgery.
i was there by myself.
standing up against a wall.
i was fine.
but then.....
i couldn't keep it together.
and started crying.
silently.
trying so hard not to be noticed.
when some stranger came up to me and asked me if i was okay.
and, "did i mind if they hugged me".
such a kind gesture.
and now i'm laughing because that person had no idea how much i hate strangers touching me. much less hugging me.
i'm ALL over someone i like, or love, touching me, or hugging me.
and i love to touch and hug other people.
IF i know them.
i just shook my head no, with an 'i'm so sorry i know you are trying to be kind look on my face' and backed away.
got it together.
sat on the floor of the waiting room.
listened to my iPod.
until dr. ass came out to talk to me.
he had absolutely NO regard for james, for me......
so clinical.
making sure to give me details about when they shocked james' heart with the defibrilator they had just implanted into his chest.
and THAT is one of the worst things that ever happened to james.
it changed our lives.
james did it because he wanted to make sure he would be here for his children.
isn't that funny? yeah, i know. not really. but really?!
the device did NOT save him.
and i will never forget dr. ass coming out to tell me about the surgery.
what a horrible man he was.
so uncaring.
but that's just my side.
i am sure he has his own story to tell.
though honestly, i'm not sure what it could possibly be that could help explain away his uncaring, unfeeling manner.
how james was just another patient.
not a real person.
man.
father.
my best friend.
there are times, many times, when i do not think about these things.
but so far....these images find their way back to me.
i know there will be a time when they are less frequent.
they aren't excessively frequent now.
but they're still there.
so this is me, dumping the shit.
the horrible images.
leaving them here.
so when i go back to 'real life' i am not thinking about these things.
so i can get on with my life.
paint some paintings.
raise our boys.
live in this quiet, small, coastal town.
and just be.

metamorphasis. very, very slow metamorphasis.

this, is now:


this.
not done. but finally made time to work on it again. i seem to spend 15 min here or 15 min there. i hate that kind of disjointed painting. but lately, it's all i seem capable of. layers and texture are important to me. of course composition and depth are just as important if not more so. this painting has changed drastically (and it may not look like it to you). but it has. i'm still not even sure how abstract this will end up being. it was going to be a bridge/pier kind of piece. then a boat in water. then just a water meets horizon line piece. broad. breath-taking, expansive. a painting (one of mine anyway) takes on several looks before it becomes just what i want it to be. but sometimes i don't even have control of how it ends up. it's like no matter how hard i try, the same style of painting comes out of me. and i haven't decided if that's good. or bad. it's, of course, extremely important to have 'your' own style. i'm just not sure i'm happy with exactly where mine is at. i want more control. to change things as i deem necessary instead of feeling daunted by the way the painting keeps turning out as if i have no control over it. when i do. hard to exlain. anywho, i have three different pieces going right now. this one, a black blue/green blue piece. and an offwhite green black piece. i love having other pieces to go to when something needs to dry or i just need to walk away from a certain piece for a while. i still have yet to find a day since the boys went back to school when i take them to school, go immediately home and start painting. it's been going to the beach for a run, helping out in the classroom, meetings with teachers, errands, and oh yeah, that pesky i better buy food before we starve thing. tomorrow morning? more errands. thursday is my day. the day of nothing but painting. i do have to say, one thing i really like about my art (is this totally rude and cooth-less to say something good about my own art??).....i love its 'raw' quality. my art is raw. it has a raw, edgy, take-me-as-i-am kind of feel and i dig that. it's how *I* am. that part of me i think is definitely conveyed into and through my art.

sometimes the urge is so strong.

starting to feel like doing nothing but make art.
sometimes the urge is so strong it cannot be ignored.
just want to play.
explore.
try new things.
open my world up.....
feeling inspired.
which is rare!
trying to take away the fear.
fear of not creating something great.
just need to let it be what it is.
if i like it, great.
if i don't, no worries.
paint another one!
every time i paint i learn something.
become a better artist.
i just need to park the fear.
walk away from it.
just let myself go.

oripeircme

the other night at about midnight i decided to start painting.
had to get up early the next day but whatev.
i just felt like painting.
so i did.
i painted for a few hours, went to bed and then, of course, couldn't sleep.
because i was jacked up from painting.
should have just stayed up and worked on the painting.
this is it.
in progress.
i have put in the base.
begun the layers.
it's going to be something when i'm done.
no.
really.
it is.
abstract, but recognizable.
i hope.
anywho.....
tomorrow the boys go back to school.
on my agenda?
drop them off at school.
this will be, after all, the first time both of them have been in school all day.
after drop off, off i go with callie to the beach.
for my first official run.
yes.
you read that right.
i'm running.
and not from anyone.
just because i want to.
i HATE running.
but i'm going to try and change that.
and see if i can learn to love it.
reading a book about running.
we'll see how it goes.
i'm not all about the exercise.
i mean, i love to walk on the beach.
and do about 4 days a week.
i'm all about the yoga.
i am NOT all about the running.
or did i mention that already.
so tomorrow, you'll find me on the beach about 8:30am.
running.
or, passing the fuck out.
because i ran.
or because i'm so out of shape and ran.
either way, i'm doing it.
and after, when i can breathe again, i'll find my way to a hot cup of coffee.
and to my studio.
where i will begin working.
seriously working.
like with no little boys distracting me.
or fighting.
so who knows.
maybe i'll actually get something done!
would be nice since i have painted about 10 secnds since the boys got out of school three months ago!

weekend recap.

i am listening to the rain.
i find it very comforting.
the house is now empty except for me and the boys.
my bro and his boys are now safely back in california.
trying to change my attitude.
it's better.
but when i listen to myself.....
really listen to myself....
i can tell i'm still not me.
the me i used to be.
in certain situations, it's getting harder to reign in the emotion.
harder to keep things to myself.
which scares the shit out of me.
i think i have found a small piece of happy.
not the same happy i used to have.
but some happy nonetheless.
and i'm afraid it's going to go away.
or maybe it's not really even there to begin with.
at times i am sure, i mean SURE it is.
but then, in an instant, i am again filled with nothing but doubt.
i just know that in certain circumstances i can take a deep breath.
and am filled with a sense....hm.....how to describe it.
a small bit of peace???
it's scary.
because i cannot have my new level of comfort, this itty bitty small bit of peace i feel from time to time, yanked away.
i'm not sure i could handle it.
so i sit, unsure of what to do.
so i do nothing.
and just go forward trying in the best way i know how, to put my worries and fear aside.
and to just live it.
however it rolls out.