here's the thing that irritates me.

heh.
like there's only one thing.
i'm getting pissed off at myself.
for wasting time.
not painting when i have the time.
i.e., when the boys are both in school.
i actually have two and a half hours.
instead of painting i seem to find other 'important' things to do.
really??
so what is it.
what is it that is stopping me from WANTING to paint.
from ACTUALLY doing it.
fuck i need to get my shit together.
in some sort of seriously angry mood.
oh.
wait.
i know.
it's day 3 on weight watchers.
I. NEED. SUGAR. and CANDY BARS. and COKE. in huge amounts. *sigh*
hope the craving goes away.
eventually.

here's what i know.

i'm back on weight watchers.
it sucks.
but it's something i have to do.
made another call today looking for a new therapist.
the creative part of me is still alive, and in there.
but i don't feel fresh, full of great new ideas/inspiration.
that burning desire isn't there.
it's more of a smoldering desire now.
and that just fucking sucks.
what i feel is total and complete exhaustion.
so why my body doesn't just collapse i really never will know.
why do i continue to wake up a hundred million times a night.
why do i wake up feeling as exhausted as when i went to bed?
except for the other night.
the other night....
i fell asleep.
slept for about an hour.
had circumstances been right, i am pretty sure i could have slept all night.
course, circumstances weren't right.
but that hour i slept??
i felt better after that hour than after a 'normal' night of what i 'call' sleep.
so what was it?
why did i so easily fall asleep.
i have been trying for three days (since the night it happened) to figure out exactly what it is i felt.
*insert lightbulb moment here*
safe.
i think that's it.
i felt safe.
and protected.
god that has been bugging the shit out of me.
and now i've figured it out.
whatever it means, or doesn't mean, the other night i felt safe. and protected.

the other night.

something happened to me the other night.
a realization.
well, that's not actually totally correct.
i have known this for a while.
just wasn't willing to own it.
or do anything about it.
but now i am just fucking taking it head on.
because that's what needs to be done.
cut the shit.
own it.
if there's somethng you don't like and have the capability to fix, fix it.
man up.
and so it begins. right now.
but fucking-a is it going to suck.
but whatev.
it's gotta be done.
so that's what's happening.
small steps.
a day at a time.
then a week will have gone by.
things have GOT to change.
i can do this. for one week.
then i'll reassess.
figure out what i need to do.
another week?
one day at a frigging time because that is all i can handle.
i have to start somewhere.

redefining.

this is one small corner of my studio. on my easel is an abstract impressionist piece in progress (three boats in water). it's been an interesting piece to create. this is the painting i started about a week ago and was having trouble with. you know, the one i decided was very important to me to finish. as with all of my paintings, one small change can make me love the entire piece. one small change can make the entire thing come together. it is meant to be viewed from a distance which really does impact how you 'see' this particular painting.

this piece is full of thick texture, lots and lots of paint. layer over layer. broad brushstrokes. i see the impact of my love for monet, matisse and gauguin (especially during 1889 when his pieces were full of line, rhythm and bright color) here. definitely shows through. no, i'm not comparing my painting to any of those great artists. i just know they have had an impact on how i paint. how i view things. what i see when i create.

the photo really does not do this painting justice. it's chunky. vibrant. abstract and imperfect. and that is exactly how i want it to be.

the last few days.

the insomnia thing.....sometimes it kicks my ass.
it's not that i never sleep. i do.
i sleep for a couple of hours.
but then i wake up.
and can't go back to sleep.
or i don't fall asleep until really late.
and when i fall asleep really late (3am or later) my body likes to fuck with me. it wakes me up at 5am. or 6am.
i do get breaks from the kick ass insomnia.
i have yet to figure out what makes it come and what makes it go.
i have dealt with insomnia for a long time. since i got pregnant with ethan. he will be 9 next month.
of course after james died it intensified. seriously.
when we first moved into the new house i slept great for the first four or five nights. it was awesome!!
but now the insomnia is back.
i have felt myself going slightly deeper into depression.
have every intention of finding a therapist.
just haven't made myself do it yet. i will.
i sometimes feel very isolated.
sometimes i feel very connected to people.
not many people, i don't know many people here yet.
well, i know a few people, but only a couple do i know fairly well.
but the last few days...it's been the isolation thing.
i do like to spend time by myself. lots of it actually.
but. from time to time...i find myself needing to be with other people.
and not just the casual convo you get from going to the store, or briefly talking to the dude who is fixing the scrapes in your alcohol stained concrete floor.
crying for absolutely no reason the last two days.
seriously??
you have got to be kidding me.
drove to the coffee shack this morning after i took the boys to school.
started crying, sitting in line, waiting to order my coffee. WTF.
i know lack of sleep is part of it.
the isolation thing is too.
i just stretched some canvas.
getting ready to slap some gesso down.
working on two paintings.
one of them is difficult. half of it i really love.
the other half? not so much so.....i wiped it. going to finish this painting. it has somehow become important to me to finish THIS one painting. no clue why. therapist dude could probably tell me.
sucks he's not licensed in oregon.
i think part of my problem right now is my style is changing.
it's still me. but i think i might be going more abstract impressionism.
at least with a few pieces.
and i'm having a hard time deciding if i love it or hate it. fine line.
trying my best to give the boys what they need.
to be present for them.
i wake the boys up each morning to get them ready for school.
this morning E woke up happy. and let me tell you. that NEVER happens. it was a nice change.
listening to DMB. always. can't get enough.
fuck the unpacking for a while.
trying to find my groove with paint again.
trying to just let it be.
not force it.
and see what happens.
dumping the crap. getting it out of my head.
trying to be clear (don't laugh).
i am strong in who i am.
and i am down with it.
that is how i want to be.
couldn't change it even if i wanted to.
it's just how i am.
and i know i am strong enough to get through the crap.
i've already done so much of that.
my life is so so so much better now than it was after james first died.
i have made so many changes. good changes.
acknowledging it all.
gettin through the shit, finding my way out.
i keep my emotions to myself. i mean, if you saw me today, you would have no idea what was running through my head.
i rarely let people see me in an emotional state. i prefer it that way.
a friend of mine, (BETHANY!!) told me to stop doing that. she said to stop being so independent and so i-don't-need-anyone-else. lol... i love bethany. cuts through the crap. my kinda girl.
holy crap. long post. i now have one hour to paint. then it's time to get alexander at the bus stop.

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sometimes, when i see a couple enjoying each others' company.....you can see they really care about each other.....that they want to spend time with each other......it makes me cry. it makes me sad. it's like a floodgate of sadness comes rushing out. i can't stop it. it pisses me off because i would never begrudge other peoples' happiness. and i want that shit to stop happening.

i love being in our new house.

got a call out of the blue a couple days ago from a friend. someone who was a huge part of my childhood but we drifted apart in high school. it's interesting to get to know her again.

getting little pieces of happiness here and there. scares the crap out of me. i'm afraid it's going to open up more of me, the part that's been so sad, hurt....scared...since james died. i'm not sure i'm ready for that. but at the same time, i'm not sure i can live without that happening. confusing shit.

trying so hard to get my shit together and WANT to paint. i mean, i 'want' to....i just seem to have to force myself to start. didn't used to have to do that. i need to get it going. i have the opportunity right now to do this and i shouldn't waste it. that would be stupid.

wish i could remember how i motivated myself when i was first on weight watchers. cuz i can't fucking motivate right now to save my fucking life. and that, too, is pissing me off.

things i love.

that james' last tweet was about me.
and it's funny.
that even if crappy things are happening to me, i can look out my window when i'm driving and smile.
because i love it here.
that i have managed (with a small bit of help along the way)...but mostly by myself....to have a house built for us.
that i can handle the shit that happens.
so far anyway.
and by the shit that happens i mean getting hit by a 110 year old woman.
it felt odd, i gotta say though....not calling james.
that is still my first instinct.
he made everything better.
he wouldn't have given a crap about the car, only that i was okay.
that the decisions i have made about the house (in a completely disjointed fashion)....because certain decisions had to be made at certain times....when i didn't have necessarily all the info i needed to be making a decision.....have all turned out well. things actually go together. not sure how it happened but it did.
that i am beginning to feel the desire to paint.
and art journal.
and even scrap again.
i am hoping, once we are moved, and i actually have a studio that i really WILL do these things.
that i won't feel the pressure.
that it will just flow.
because i know i don't have to be perfect....that art is what it is.
it just happens for me.
i want to play.
be free.
do whatever.
the more you do something the more you grow.
i need to immerse myself.
to lose myself.
called my first therapist in astoria today.
beginning the process.
so i don't go insane.
because sometimes it feels like that is happening.
especially with going through things again.
packing again.
making sure i'm on top of all the house stuff.
that things ARE getting done.
because i want in my house.
and out of the rental.
with the scary basement.
i WANT to be settled.
to finally know what it will feel like to be here, in our own house.