our first halloween without james, without their daddy. a first of many firsts to come our way.
ethan was, of course, pikachu. and alexander was ash ketchem. what. not every household lives and breathes pokemon?? if you lived here, and had my kids you would.
i am trying. trying to make the boys lives full of life. and trust me, at this point in time it is hard. it is a struggle for me to even get up. sometimes i am so overcome with emptiness it takes my breath away. so it was with mixed feelings that the boys and i carved pumpkins this morning (it's nevada day here so E didn't have to go to school). pumpkin carving has, always in the past, been something james was in charge of. but not today. i think it went well. E was excited, alexander was happy. they have moments where life seems normal. and while i want that for them, life does not seem normal to me. ever. i missed james today. so much. i miss james every single second of every day. but today is a holiday for daddies and their kids. for families. but we did it. carved our pumpkins. roasted our pumpkin seeds. went trick-or-treating. and i made myself get out the camera and take photos. i did not want to record the new version of us, three, instead of four. but i want the boys to have photos and memories of their lives. and this is our new life. so here we are just after having carved our pumpkins. i think james would have been proud of me today. that we did these things, even though i did not want to. he would not want to the boys to be sad, or miss out on the happiness and joy that halloween brings to little kids. so i did it for james. and for the boys.
it is hard for me to feel the emotions i feel because most often, i am with the boys. if i let them know how i really feel i am pretty sure i would scare them. and i don't want to do that. they know i am sad. in fact, i told E today that i miss daddy. but the only time i can really let go and not have to reign in my emotions is after the boys are in bed. but i feel such waves of strong emotion all day long. but it's only at night when i can actually deal with it. address it. during the day i am too busy dealing with and addressing the boys' needs.
to anybody still coming back here to check on us, i thank you. i know it is not an easy thing to do because my posts are, well....pretty damn sad. and it's hard to read. hard to purposely seek out. one day i hope my posts will change. i'm just not ready for that yet.
one day i hope to paint again. i am an artist. i need to paint. yet i can't make myself go up to the loft and do it. one day maybe i will scrap again. and art journal. but not yet. i want to. art journaling has been how i have survived in the past when bad things have happened. but right now i just feel too empty. i know james would understand. and i also know he would want me to get my ass upstairs and paint. he wouldn't want to be responsible for me not painting. but i'm just not ready. it's so strange to want to paint but not be able to.
everything has changed. everything. and i'm trying to figure it all out.