Friday, October 31, 2008

a first of many firsts for us.

our first halloween without james, without their daddy. a first of many firsts to come our way.

ethan was, of course, pikachu. and alexander was ash ketchem. what. not every household lives and breathes pokemon?? if you lived here, and had my kids you would.

i am trying. trying to make the boys lives full of life. and trust me, at this point in time it is hard. it is a struggle for me to even get up. sometimes i am so overcome with emptiness it takes my breath away. so it was with mixed feelings that the boys and i carved pumpkins this morning (it's nevada day here so E didn't have to go to school). pumpkin carving has, always in the past, been something james was in charge of. but not today. i think it went well. E was excited, alexander was happy. they have moments where life seems normal. and while i want that for them, life does not seem normal to me. ever. i missed james today. so much. i miss james every single second of every day. but today is a holiday for daddies and their kids. for families. but we did it. carved our pumpkins. roasted our pumpkin seeds. went trick-or-treating. and i made myself get out the camera and take photos. i did not want to record the new version of us, three, instead of four. but i want the boys to have photos and memories of their lives. and this is our new life. so here we are just after having carved our pumpkins. i think james would have been proud of me today. that we did these things, even though i did not want to. he would not want to the boys to be sad, or miss out on the happiness and joy that halloween brings to little kids. so i did it for james. and for the boys.

it is hard for me to feel the emotions i feel because most often, i am with the boys. if i let them know how i really feel i am pretty sure i would scare them. and i don't want to do that. they know i am sad. in fact, i told E today that i miss daddy. but the only time i can really let go and not have to reign in my emotions is after the boys are in bed. but i feel such waves of strong emotion all day long. but it's only at night when i can actually deal with it. address it. during the day i am too busy dealing with and addressing the boys' needs.

to anybody still coming back here to check on us, i thank you. i know it is not an easy thing to do because my posts are, well....pretty damn sad. and it's hard to read. hard to purposely seek out. one day i hope my posts will change. i'm just not ready for that yet.

one day i hope to paint again. i am an artist. i need to paint. yet i can't make myself go up to the loft and do it. one day maybe i will scrap again. and art journal. but not yet. i want to. art journaling has been how i have survived in the past when bad things have happened. but right now i just feel too empty. i know james would understand. and i also know he would want me to get my ass upstairs and paint. he wouldn't want to be responsible for me not painting. but i'm just not ready. it's so strange to want to paint but not be able to.

everything has changed. everything. and i'm trying to figure it all out.

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Misty said...

James would be proud of you. We are all proud of you. You have two lucky boys there.

I come here daily to check up on you. To read the comments and hope that someone has said all of the things I want to say but don't know how. Of course there is sadness. You blog is helping you in the way, that in time, painting, scrapping and art journaling will....

E & A look adorable. What you did for them today means the world to them. What you get up and do everyday means the world.....

Anyway, I am wordy as usual.

Love you Kimberly!
Happy Halloween.

renee said...

i've been reading your blog (i stumbled it across ali edwards site). i just want to tell you that my heart truly goes out to you. monday will be 1 yr since my 52 yr old mother died. it's been a long long road. and i completely understand your pain. the pain that makes you literally sick to your stomach, literally heart aches. all that stuff that sadness brings. but just know that, no matter what, somehow you WILL get through it. i never thought i would, but i did.

renee l.

Amber said...

I'm still checking up on you! Practically every day. I found you through Tara. I think of you often and hope that you are doing well. I think your husband would be SO proud of you today. I admire you for being so strong for your boys. Glad you made some good memories today. New, different memories for you all, but they were good still.

Mic said...

To my Thailand girlie,

Kimberly, I thought of you everyday in Thailand. All of the girls did. I am certain that our paths will cross again, and there will be journaling, scrapbooking and art making in our futures. I am proud of you. James would be proud of you. You are brave.

"Even if we never talk again after tonight, please remember that I am forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me" (quote from the movie Chasing Amy...)



Patrice~ said...

all three of you
look absolutely wonderful.
esp your boys.
and the pumpkin
was appropriately scary.

my heart
lovingly holds close
you and your beautiful boys.


Anonymous said...

Kimberly, I am so very sorry for your loss. Peace, sister.

april said...

I'm still here with you. Reading and praying that your happy moments will become more plentiful.

Mindy said...

You are full of strength that you did not know that you had. During those darkest times you will find it within yourself to be strong...because of your love for James and for your boys. I am so sad for you loss and pray for you often. Good on you for doing the things that seem impossible right now. Allow yourself time to grieve and I do not think that there is anything wrong with letting the boys know how much it hurts you too...but you are handling it gracefully and graciously.

Be strong...remember fearlessly.
A friend in Maryland,

Anonymous said...

Kimberly - I came to your site through Tara as well. I can't imagine what you are going through. Hard enough and even harder with children. My blessings go out to you and your feelings.

Deep Bow

tara w said...

i am here again kimberly, just got in last night from thailand. we all missed you and thought of you and spoke of you so often, our hearts full of love for you and the boys.

i am so so proud of you for carrying on-i dont know that i would have the strength to carve pumpkins and "do" halloween. you are so strong, even though i know you dont think you are, or maybe you dont want to be.

if you want to be weak, and you need somebody to listen, i am here.


Carrie K said...

of course we come here...cause we love you

dont forget that!!

im so amazed by your courage and strength

Anonymous said...

im so proud of you for taking pictures, for being so amazingly strong for your boys. we are here for you, sharing your sadness and your triumphs. sending big love!
we talked about you every day in thailand and hope you felt the love being sent out there to you
em xx

Korie B. said...

Like so many others, I still check in on you daily. I know you don't see it in yourself, but good god woman, you are amazingly strong. I'm blown away by your ability to put those beautiful boys first.

Keep your chin up and rant away on your blog... You have tons of people rooting you on.

Shandy said...

I'm so impressed by you and your willingness/ability to carry on... I'm sure it would be much easier to be swallowed up in the emptyness and I'm so proud of you for grasping onto that inner strenght that you've been blessed with to be there emotionally and physically for your boys! they are extremely blessed to have you as their mom!
on a different note -- We lived and breathed POKEMON for literally 6 Y.E.A.R.S.!! they still play their DS pokemon games and watch it if it comes on TV (so I guess we're not quite out of it yet...) so I totally "get" it.. I'll have to show the boys that Picachu costume - they'd think that was awesome! and when August was in 3rd grade (3 years ago) he dressed as Ash :) your boys looked awesome and so did your pumpkins!!
Still thinking and praying for you daily :) and I'll close by echoing your comment on how you think James would have been proud of you for doing Halloween... YES, HE IS!!

jensmack said...

You did great. I know it was difficult but you did it. James was with you and helped you. He's in you; in the boys too.

I'm sending lots of love your way. My kids would LOVE to dress up as pokemon.

Anonymous said...

Pokemon reigns supreme at my house also, and I have a DAUGHTER. LOL

I found you through Tara's blog also. I can't explain it well, but my heart hurts for you. Your blog posts make me sob for you. You ARE strong even though it doesn't feel like it. And you will become stronger. I must tell you, I don't think it's going to help you to bottle your feelings up all day long like you describe. Excuse yourself to the restroom or something. You've got to process it and let it out, my friend. Have you considered a counselor, so you have someone to talk to apart from your boys?

Kudos to you for trying to give them as much normal-ness as you could this holiday. Things will never be "normal" again like they used to be, it is what I call a different kind of normal.

Have faith and carry on.


Lea L. said...

I can tell you this Kimberly. I am sure that James is so proud of how well you are handling everything for your boys. You are doing everything right when it comes to them, even if you don't feel like you are.

Can I tell you something? I think it is okay for your boys to understand how much you miss James, and to see your emotions over it. It will help them realize that their own emotions and feelings are normal.

You have been so strong through all of this Kimberly. We are all still here, praying for you, thinking of you...and being an ear when you need one. We love you-


Marieke said...

Hey babe. Kudos to you for 'doing it for the boys'. Your strength amazes me every day. You can do this. I know you can. It isn't fair and it shouldn't be, but you CAN do this. And don't worry about the painting. The urge will get too strong one day and then all those bottled up emotions will come out, tears, rage and laughter and all. Wonderful therapy!
I'm so happy that you manage to keep on living. Giving the boys some normalcy. Even if it tears you up inside. Yes share the sadness with your sons but I know what a fine line it is between saying you're sad and completely falling apart in front of them.
Anyway, wonderful pumpkin. Well done to you! Much love.

Lisa said...

You know on the day before JFK's funeral, Jackie had a bday party for JohnJohn at the White House.

And in my young adult years, when I learned about this, I thought she must not have cared for him very much or that her grief was not real or deep.

But NOW as a mother and a wife, I realize how much she must have loved him and those children to do something to bring happiness and normalcy to her children's lives when her whole world was falling apart.

And how very strong and brave she was.

You are a brave, strong, loving woman Kimberly.

You brought a little bit of light to your children's life this day. You brought a little bit of James.

~Amie~ said...

Kimberly, I do love the photo of you and your boys. You are doing a wonderful job for them and I am sure that James would be very proud of you. HUGS!

Sara said...

Thank you for sharing your story as you go through what could happen to any of us. I'm reminded of an interview I did years ago with a man whose wife had died. They had two younger girls. And he told me that his relationship with his wife had been rocky. And I felt so so sad for those girls, to live with a dad who had such conflicted feelings about their mother, whom I'm sure they loved unconditionally at their age. Your boys are going to benefit so much from the fact that you had such a true love together with their father.