i never ever ever imagined an end to our story. i thought we would be together always. forever. the last ten days have been the worst of my life. it feels like a lifetime. how are my boys going to grow up without their father? james is the best thing that ever happened to me. he is the most loving, caring, giving most wonderful person on this entire planet. of that i am sure. so why did this happen? why to him. and why to our boys?
i can't stop shaking. i feel sick to my stomach. and i have never been so cold in my life. how can it be that this is how our story ends?
i've been sitting here, at the computer, going through 17 years of photographs to put something together for the 'celebration of james' which i think is going to happen on friday. this is one of my favorite photos of james. he was in his element. he was climbing. the look on his face, omg....he is so beautiful here. i can say that about him, right? that he's beautiful? even though he's a man?? he just looks so coy. and so freaking adorable. and so james.
i can't even begin to tell you what these last 10 days have been like. rushing to the ER. at least getting to talk to him, though briefly. watching him seize. watching him crash. omg. the sounds he made. the stiffness in his body. horrifying. absolutly horrifying. i will never ever ever ever forget that. but i wish i could.
watching him in the hospital. staying with him every second i could. only leaving to be with the boys. then going right back. looking at him, watching him on the ventilator. watching his body fight for life. feeling so helpless. wanting him back so much. like an ache. just wanting him to wake up. to come back to us. to me. to the boys. we need him. we love him.
watching him die. omg i just want to throw up right now. i will never ever get that image out of my mind. i can't even tell you how horrifying that was. i feel so empty. i feel like my soul hurts. there is nothing in my life without james. except for our boys. how are they going to grow up without him?
telling them that daddy was not feeling well and i had to go find out what was wrong. telling them the next day that daddy wouldn't wake up. then the next day that daddy still wouldn't wake up. and the next day that daddy might not wake up. and the next day that daddy still wasn't waking up. and the next day that daddy had died. that the owie on daddy's heart got bigger. that he also had an owie on his brain. how do you do that to children? it still makes me sick to my stomach and so so sad.
how am i going to raise these boys by myself? how am i going to live my life without james? how do people do this. because i'm not sure i can. yet i know i have to. i told james we would be okay. that i was okay. that i would make sure the boys were okay. so i have to. i just don't know how to get through each second. it just hurts too much. and makes me too sad for what the boys have lost.
i figured james would have to have a heart transplant. and that we would get through it. that it would be horrible and hard, but that we would do it. i never ever. and i mean ever imagined this is how it would end. at 38? how can this be fair? to him. to our boys. i can't even breathe. and now must go read story to the boys and put them to bed.