Sunday, October 12, 2008

this is one of my favorite photos of james.


i never ever ever imagined an end to our story. i thought we would be together always. forever. the last ten days have been the worst of my life. it feels like a lifetime. how are my boys going to grow up without their father? james is the best thing that ever happened to me. he is the most loving, caring, giving most wonderful person on this entire planet. of that i am sure. so why did this happen? why to him. and why to our boys?
i can't stop shaking. i feel sick to my stomach. and i have never been so cold in my life. how can it be that this is how our story ends?
i've been sitting here, at the computer, going through 17 years of photographs to put something together for the 'celebration of james' which i think is going to happen on friday. this is one of my favorite photos of james. he was in his element. he was climbing. the look on his face, omg....he is so beautiful here. i can say that about him, right? that he's beautiful? even though he's a man?? he just looks so coy. and so freaking adorable. and so james.
i can't even begin to tell you what these last 10 days have been like. rushing to the ER. at least getting to talk to him, though briefly. watching him seize. watching him crash. omg. the sounds he made. the stiffness in his body. horrifying. absolutly horrifying. i will never ever ever ever forget that. but i wish i could.
watching him in the hospital. staying with him every second i could. only leaving to be with the boys. then going right back. looking at him, watching him on the ventilator. watching his body fight for life. feeling so helpless. wanting him back so much. like an ache. just wanting him to wake up. to come back to us. to me. to the boys. we need him. we love him.
watching him die. omg i just want to throw up right now. i will never ever get that image out of my mind. i can't even tell you how horrifying that was. i feel so empty. i feel like my soul hurts. there is nothing in my life without james. except for our boys. how are they going to grow up without him?
telling them that daddy was not feeling well and i had to go find out what was wrong. telling them the next day that daddy wouldn't wake up. then the next day that daddy still wouldn't wake up. and the next day that daddy might not wake up. and the next day that daddy still wasn't waking up. and the next day that daddy had died. that the owie on daddy's heart got bigger. that he also had an owie on his brain. how do you do that to children? it still makes me sick to my stomach and so so sad.
how am i going to raise these boys by myself? how am i going to live my life without james? how do people do this. because i'm not sure i can. yet i know i have to. i told james we would be okay. that i was okay. that i would make sure the boys were okay. so i have to. i just don't know how to get through each second. it just hurts too much. and makes me too sad for what the boys have lost.
i figured james would have to have a heart transplant. and that we would get through it. that it would be horrible and hard, but that we would do it. i never ever. and i mean ever imagined this is how it would end. at 38? how can this be fair? to him. to our boys. i can't even breathe. and now must go read story to the boys and put them to bed.

86 comments:

Carrie K said...

Youve been in my thoughts every minute since I found out and every time i read something from you the tears start again.

you will survive because youre strong and because you are loved and because your boys need you. nothing else matters...someday the ugly pictures fade and the amazing memories get stronger...i'll keep praying everyday for that to happen quickly!

Misty said...

He is beautiful. You can absolutely say that.

Kimberly, you and Ethan and Alexander are on my mind and in my heart.

Leslie Ashe said...

Kimberly -
I can't get you out of my mind. I can't stop thinking about you and your beautiful boys.
Your James IS beautiful. YOU can say that anytime, everytime, all the time...he is!

You know what - Carrie's right. YOU are strong. You are very loved. Your boys are too - you're wrapped with love. You can do this - I have faith in you.

I just had to tell you I love you and wanted you to know that.
I'm praying for you, Ethan & Alexander.

Much love,
Leslie

p.s. I'm sorry - my enter key will be hit more often...I promise :)

Amy said...

I am so sorry to hear about your husband,my toughts go out to you and your family.

~Amie~ said...

My dear Kimberly
My heart truly goes out to you and your boys. I'm thinking of you always and hope that you are able to find some peace. HUGS

Kari said...

You are in my heart and in my prayers . . .

jensmack said...

I am so very sorry for you & your boys having to go through this. I'm sorry that I never got to meet James. (because I know that one day you and I *will* meet)

I do know for a fact that you will be okay.. that the boys will be okay. They will be okay because they have you. And you will because you are loved by James & he will be by your side always.

It's not going to be easy - I know. But I promise that you will have a ton of support and love sent your way whenever you need it.

You're on my mind, in my thoughts and in my heart.

Surcie said...

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

Cristen said...

Kimberly, I don't know you but I ache for you and your families loss. I cried when I read about your pain and am so sorry. I am praying for you and your two precious children. And you can most certainly say that a man is beautiful. There are no rules about beauty. No one can take that away from you.

Trish said...

Kimberly you have been on my mind and in my thoughts and in my prayers since I heard.

I know it seems like you will never survive this but like Carrie and Leslie said you are strong.

I will keep you and the biys in my prayers!

Beth said...

Kimberly, I came here from Cathy Zielske's blog. It is different than what you're going through but my mother died suddenly at the age of 58. The heartache is unbearable - I understand that. There is nothing that will fix it. Take the help and support people offer and find someone who specializes in grief to talk to when you are ready. I am so very sorry that you have to be in such pain and yet still be strong for your boys.

Diane Herman said...

kimberly
i have never met you and heard of your loss through another blog...
i lost my 6 year old son 7 years ago, my heart will never stop aching but I have found a way to smile and be happy again... one day you will be able to breathe normally again, eat without feeling ill and smile! It will take time but it will happen ... for now hug your boys as much as you can, you need them as much as they need you!

Celeste said...

i can not stop thinking about you. you and the boys are on my mind a lot. i believe in you! hugs. just know we are here for you.

Megan said...

Kimberley, I don't know you but found your blog through Em Falconbridge. My heart is seriously aching for you and your little boys. There really are no words that could ever make what you are going through right now, better, but know that you are being thought of, even by total strangers! Praying that the beautiful images you hold in your heart of your husband, will take over the last sad ones you now see.

Natalie said...

Kimberly,

I found your blog through Cathy Zielske's and wanted to tell you how very sorry I am that this has happened to your family. I may be a stranger, but my heart aches for you. Thinking of you and hoping that the days ahead pass into weeks and months and healing comes slowly but surely to you and your boys, however impossible it seems now. ~Natalie in Dubai, UAE.

gabyalcantara said...

Kimberly: I'm very very sorry, since the minute you told us about your husband I can't get you out of my mind.

I'm praying for you!

((Hugs))

Jenny said...

I am so sorry for your loss Kimberley - your James was beautiful. You were so lucky to have him in your life. I have been following your story and feel so sad for you and wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better. You just have to try and be strong - know that you are special and loved and have support from all around the world! You have really touched me and my heart is breaking for you. I truly hope you can find some peace in your heart. You are beautiful....

With much love
Jenny in South Africa
PS. I would love to chat with you..
jennytraviss@telkomsa.net

chest of drawers said...

My heart goes out to you and your boys.

Rachel C said...

Oh Kimberly! You may not think it right now, but you are the strongest person on the planet and you will be able to go on. Those boys need you and you need them! Big hugs to you.

Lisa M. Pace said...

Kimberly I can not stop thinking of you and your boys. I am so sorry you have had to go through something so terrible. You and the boys are in my thoughts and prayers every second. Know that you are all loved by lots of people. We are all here for you.

Rosie said...

Kimberly,
I can not stop thinking about you and the boys! You are in my thoughts and in my heart girlfriend! Lots of Love, Rosie

Patrice~ said...

James is beautiful.
As are your boys.
And you.

Although I know
you are strong,
right now I'm sure
you think differently.

Celebrate, with your sons,
James' amazing life.
I wish you peace
and comfort, Kimberly.

Love and hugs to
you and your sons.

Rachael said...

My dear friend.
I wish I could be there with you.
I am so sorry.
I wish I could take all of the pain away.
I think of you all the time and will continue to pray for you and your boys.
I love you!

Vicki said...

My heart aches for you and your sons. James' legacy of love will live forever through you and your children. He will forever be there in their actions, their looks, their souls. I pray for peace and comfort for your family - today - and all the days to come. Blessings, Vicki {indiana}

Lynette said...

I've been thinking about you and your boys alot too for the past lil bit! I sincerely hope that you can find peace and know that you and your boys have many people praying for you!!! You are so very lucky to have James in your life and to understand what true love is!!!

Please know that my family and I are thinking about you and praying for you to have the strength to make it through this hard time!

We LOVE you!!!

Suzanne said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know that right now the pain is unbearable and living minute to minute can be excruiating. But you will survive for yourself, for your boys and because James would have wanted you to survive.
It's hard to hear right now, but life will get better, enough so that you will go on without the deep pain you feel now.
Just knowing that there are so many people praying for you and the fact that no one, not ever can take away your memories should provide you with some comfort.
Try to remember the good times and not his last days.
hugs.

Dina said...

I am so, so very sorry.
I know it seems impossible. Do it for him, do it to honor James.
Hugs, love, peace.

Chad and Amy Plus 3 said...

My Dear Sweet Kimberly!
You are such a strong woman! Just the fact that you can get up each and every day proves that.
You and your two sweet boys have been and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. You have been thru more than anyone deserves. And you have every right to feel every emotion there is.
I wish I was there with you right now so I could just hold you and let you know you will make it. Be strong for your boys and then they will be strong for you!
You are Loved!
-Amy

Sherine said...

Sweet Kimberly,

There isn't really much I can add. Your situation is so painful. And words can't express how sorry I am that you should have to endure this.

But you are strong and those boys will see James in your life, through the memories you pass down.

I pray for more strength and peace everyday.

There are so many here for you.

Sherine

Ingrid said...

i don't know what i could possibly say to lighten even the tiniest bit this terrible, terrible, unfair and huge hurt on your heart. maybe there isn't anything.

but i do want you to know nevertheless that, though we don't know each other, i am with you, thinking about you, holding you and holding your boys in my heart through this horribly dark time. i wish you strength and love.

in peace-

Carrie said...

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you are going through. Thanks for helping me cherrish what I have today!
Carrie

Heather L. said...

Oh Kimberly...I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart hurts for you and your boys. You've been on my mind constantly since you told me about James. This is SO unfair to you and the boys. I am so very very sorry...I can't even begin to imagine your pain.

Ellen said...

I am so sorry. I wish we could all just say something to make it better. But it will get easier. You will see your husband in your boys and know he is there with you. And always will be.
My sweet baby girl passed away three years ago, and her presence remains as strong as if she were here. Spirits and memories provide great strength - along with all those you love.
Please take care.

h2oh said...

I don't know you and this is my first time here, but reading your story has changed my life forever. You are in my prayers and my heart is bleeding for you and your mother. You will both be strong because you have each other to lean on. I don't know why things like this happen but your boys are so fortunate to have you. He is beautiful. You are beautiful.

tara pollard pakosta said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. 38 is how old i am and i will never take my life for granted again after reading this.
there really are no words, i wish i could take away your pain. i am so sorry.
tara

Lea L. said...

My dear friend...words cannot express the deep sorrow I feel right now for you and your boys. You all have been on my mind ever since this happened.

Through your strength, you will be able to get through this. I know you are strong, even when you don't feel you are. And James will always be by your side in spirit.

I am so sorry Kimberly. No one deserves to go through this much hurt. You have hundreds of people out here praying for you and your boys, including me. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort in these coming days. You are loved by many.

Dani said...

Dear Kimberly, even that you don't know me ...your words touched my heart...only thing i can say is try to stay strong , cherish the beautiful memories , it must be hard right now, but the pain heals even that it will take a long time...cherish the time you had with eachother , life isn't always fair...i know....life can hurt...i know....but don't forget he will be always in your heart !!....send all my love to you and your family ...and you will manage...i can feel it !!...even that you feel right now that you can't.....you will !!..lots of love and hugs...from Danielle

Morti said...

There are no words of my own I can offer as comfort at this desperately sad time - only unspoken support.

Personally, I'm a pagan. The best words I can share are these - as a climber, maybe James would have "got" them:

"From the dawn of your birth
To the sunset of your death
I honor you.

From the missions you completed
To your duties left undone
I honor you.

From the seasons of your being
Through the cycle of your life
I honor you.

From your time beyond the veil
Lie your entrance back again
May the angels support you
May my healing love reach you
From this moment until the end of time
So Mote It Be."


by Silver RavenWolf

Robyn said...

Kimberly, Your words have truly touched me. There are no words that I can say, all I know is your beautiful angel will always watch over you and your boys. He will be with you always.

Jennifer said...

You have a very lovely way of expressing yourself. This whole post shows your great love for James and your amazing courage you have. I'm sure Friday will be a wonderful celebration for James.

I love you girlie!!

Anne said...

Kimberly,

I read about your loss on Tara's blog. Words cannot describe how terribly sad I am for you and your boys. I am getting choked up right now writing this toy you, and don't even know you, so I can't imagine what you're going through. It's not fair for you to have lost the love of your life and for your sweet boys to grow up without their dad. Thankfully you do have your boys to live for and James' memory. What a blessing that you have part of him in your boys and that you have all of the wonderful memories and beautiful pictures of him. I am so profoundly sorry for this unexpected loss in your life. I live in fear that the same type of thing will happen to me or my family. I hate it that you're experiencing this real nightmare. Peace and blessings to you and your family.

Lisa said...

You are loved Kimberly.
So loved
And I don't know how you are going to get through this
I just know that you will
We are here for you.
Always

Terri said...

we Ache with you.
we Pray for you.
God bless and hold you in his arms....

Vivienne said...

my thoughts and energy and heart go out to you kimberly!

Leah said...

you know I love you
you are so amazing
you are strong
you will find a way!

Sara said...

Followed a link from CZ's blog. Thank you for sharing here. Losing my husband is my greatest fear, so my heart absolutely goes out to you and your boys. Many people are thinking of you and holding you in their thoughts and prayers as you move through this. All I can say is cling to his love for you, and let it shower over you.

Kelly Kilmer said...

My heart goes out to you and your boys. You will be in my thoughts.

Nicole said...

My heart breaks for you and your boys Kimberly. Know that you are loved. I know it doesn't seem possible to keep going, but you ARE strong. You can do this. We are praying for you here in WA!

All our love!

mary said...

I am so sorry for your loss... I can say I understand I have walked in your shoes. My husband would have been 37 yesterday. My thoughts are with you and your boys.

Anonymous said...

God bless you and your boys. I hope you find strength you never knew you had. I am saddened by your loss and I have never met you, I will continue to pray for you and your family. You will be able to move mountains and remember that those babies need you more than ever. I am so sorry for your loss.

Marieke said...

Kimberly, every time I think of you my heart aches for you and tears well up again. And it's the smallest things that can trigger a thought for you. Multiple times a day. My dear friend if that happens to me - someone you've never met in real life - than I cannot even begin to phantom the unimaginable pain you must be going through. But know this, you are strong and you are loved. By many. You will get through this and walk this impossible path, for James, for your boys. And one day you will feel the sun on your face again and you will laugh out loud. Know then that you have gone through the worst of it and the pain will numb a little bit more every day. It will never go away but life will become manageable again.
Sweetie just know we are here for you to lean on. To rant and rave. To reminisce. To cry. And eventually to laugh with again.

Shandy said...

Kimberly,
that is definitely an awesome picture of Jaems! Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and think you are a remarkable woman.
love to your whole family...

izzy Light Photography said...

Kimberly-
I found your blog through Tara Whitney's. Although we may be complete strangers I just wanted to let you know how very sorry I am for your loss=( I'm a nurse and can't help but feel so much sympathy for you. The grieving process is hard, but know it's important because it honors what he actually means to you and your boys. I hope you and your boys find a sense of peace and know that strangers out there have you in their thoughts and prayers-

Lizett

Stephanie said...

I pray that you find strength through Jesus Christ be/c He is holding you closer than you can imagine right now. I pray for you and your boys to feel His peace that surpasses all understanding...know that you will be okay...and that you are loved.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and will keep you and your boys in my prayers.

Kristina T said...

I found your blog through other artist's blogs. You and your boys are in my thoughts and prayers.

leaca said...

Like so many others I stumbled across your story on Emily's blog. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

janine said...

Just want you to know I am praying for you and your boys. I don't even know you, but your story is heartbreaking and as a mum of 2 small boys myself I can only imagine your pain. I am so sorry for your loss - may God give you the strength you need in the coming days and weeks.

scrapwordsmom said...

I know you don't know me but I heard about you from Ali E's Blog. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you.And to your boys.

Les

shahnnen said...

my dad died when he was 37, and my mom was widowed, too. it's awful and hard, and it doesn't ever leave your mind, but trust me--it eventually gets easier. just keep going beautiful girl. just one step, one day, and then the next, and then another. i am so sorry that this happened to you. cry and grieve and know this too shall pass. oh girl, i pray for you.
loves (from a total stranger
xoxo-shahnnen

Mary said...

you don't know me either but I am crying and praying for you and your boys. My heart broke reading this.

staceyfike said...

i am so sorry for your loss.

Gloria said...

Dear Kimberly,
Its not fair that you have to go through this. Its not fair that he was taken from you at such a young age. Its not fair none of this is fair and it sucks..I lost my husband to cancer he was 28 years old, we had kids together ,we had a life together. What you are going to go through is insane but I promise you that you will heal with in time. In time you will remember all the wonderfull things and forget all about the end. The human spirit is amazing and you will get through it. its been 10 years for me and I still cry but I am ok now and you will be too. You just need to give yourself lots of time and take care good care of you. I will keep you in my prayers everyday...

Annette said...

Kimberly, my heart breaks with yours. I lost my beautiful mom when she was 42, I was 19, my sis was 10. It's not fair, it's not right, and you can SCREAM about it. You don't know this yet, but your heart will heal. The scar tissue remains, built stronger by reminders of the love and beauty that was yours for so short a time. Give your boys the gift of memories to store when they need to use the strength of yours and James' love for each other and for them. My arms are wrapped around you and your boys in a hug.

Anonymous said...

Sending you thoughts of strength, power and love. I am so sorry ...

Susi from Germany (lachsonne@gmx.de) said...

Sending you thoughts of power, strength and love. I am so sorry ...

~lisa said...

I am not even sure how I stumbled upon your blog. . .but I'm glad I did. I'm sitting here teary-eyed. I'm taking in each perfect comment you expressed about your husband and recent events. Everyone has a story (you will soon learn). I am so drawn to your story because I lived it similarly with my 17 month old son. He died 3 years ago. I can so identify with the emotions, events and questions you posed.

The one thing that I will say. . .I know it hurts now to re-live those terrible moments. The memory will always be there, but the sharpness of its intensity will slowly be relieved.

**Please. . .when the time is right start jotting down everything that comes to mind about him. . .help your children do the same too. Because those memories are priceless.

The happy moments will eventually prevail again. You will laugh again.

May God Bless you and your boys. You all will be in my prayers.

Jenny said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot begin to imagine what you and your boys are going through but you will get through this. Reading your post reminded me of the day I saw my father die. I know the feelings you experienced, the sights, the sounds - all too horrifying for anyone to have to handle. I will pray for you all - and know that even though I don't know your family, my heart breaks for you. God bless you all.

LisaW said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your boys. I know you don't know how, but you will make it. Together. With your boys. Your promise to be okay will be fulfilled.

~Lisa

Linda Woods said...

I am so sorry. I am keeping you and your family close in my thoughts.

Mel said...

So many people you don't even know have you in our hearts - kind thoughts from New Zealand.

Anonymous said...

Kimberely,

I have been exactly where you are, my husband was 38 years old, and I had two boys to raise 6yrs and 8yrs. Both Mom's and Dad's were gone and no brother or sisters. Seems pretty grim doesn't it, but I can tell you that the pain never really goes away but you learn to put it somewhere. When the time comes and it does over and over you take it out grieve just a little more, and put it where it won't destroy you. Life goes on for the boys and you, and your job is continue down that road called life, and make their life as normal as possible. It's been 15 16 yrs and still I am writing this crying, and I would not have it any other way. You are in my heart and prayers.

DearGina said...

Yes, he is most beautiful.
I'm sorry that you must endure whats ahead of you. Its ugly.
Take all of the support, love, care, prayers, ANYTHING to hold you up, that makes you strong enough.
There is much power in it. I'll be sending you some of mine.
From a grieving Mother, to you and yours.

BonnieRose said...

Please know that I am here praying for you and your family. Let God comfort you. Don't push Him away. Abide in His presence for as long as you need to. big hugs

dragonflydreamer said...

So many loving thoughts of comfort and healing have been written here and I hope you will allow the energy of so much love to help you move through these days of unimaginable heartache and loss. I am a complete stranger yet your words were so raw and uncensored I feel a human connection to you and your sons. No words I could say could even begin to ease the pain and surrering you are now feeling. He is beautiful and through your sons you will always have a piece of him with you. I will keep you and your sons in my prayers.

jsotier said...

i am so sorry, my thoughts and prayers are with your family.

Melissa said...

Prayers and hugs are with you. My husband died at 38 from a sudden massive heart attack. That was 13 years ago. Time does heal wounds, but it will never make them go away. Just take it one minute at a time and know that you are not alone, even though I know you feel completely alone.

Danielle Combs said...

Kimberly,
I don't know you...this is the first blog entry of your's that I've ever read (followed a link from the sweet Tara Whitney's blog)and I want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts.

MarniT said...

I followed a link from Em F's blog and never intended to leave a message as I don't know you and what can I say to you to make it better...nothing....but I had to thank you for being so brave and sharing your story with us, it just drives home how suddenly our lives can change and to never take for granted one more day with our love ones.

tammytempleton said...

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

emily kate said...

I don't know you. I found your blog on someone else's but I just had to say something. I can't imagine the nightmare you are living but I pray that you and your boys will have the strength to make it through this terrible time. I am so sorry for your loss.

Amber said...

Kimberly, I came across your blog last night via Tara Whitney's {love that girl}. I just want to say that I am so incredibly sorry, and that I am praying for you, your boys, your family.

As I was reading another favorite blog today, CJaneEnjoy, I kept thinking of you as I read today's post. Please go and read it.

And know that every day, every step of the way, the loss will be a little easier to bear, believe it or not {because I didn't}. Obviously it will NEVER EVER EVER go away, but the load will be a little easier to bear, if even just a smidge. :)

http://blog.cjanerun.com/2008/10/guest-post-by-sister-in-law-lisa.html

Kara May said...

I just came across your blog and my heart hurts for you and your boys. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm praying for you. And even though I don't even know you, I wish I could hug you and your boys.

sausan said...

I stumbled across your blog and couldn't believe what I had to read...no words I write could calm this sick feeling in your stomach...I cannot even imagine what you are going through although I once had to go through such hard times, too...but I can tell you that although his body may be gone he will never ever leave you and the boys as he will always be in your hearts.
Years have passed and I am living another life today,but there is not one single day that I at least think about my love that had to go...the first years it made me cry now it makes me smile - smile with him.
Excuse my bad english...just want to pass a big hug.

Kerry said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You will find the strength you need to go on. You and your boys will be in my prayers.

kristi said...

bless you Kimberly. I just learned of your unimaginable tragedy via Tara's blog. I am so saddened by your loss.........