Monday, November 03, 2008

things i've been thinking about.

i will likely be posting random photos of james that i like. just because i want to.
i am pretty sure at some point my exhausted body will collapse. i hope that happens soon. i want hours and hours of deep oblivious sleep. how i wish that would happen.
i washed my sheets today. what is this of importance, you ask? well, now don't be grossed out, but i hadn't washed my sheets since james died. i didn't want to. our bed still smelled of him. his side of the bed especially. today i layed (?) who knows if that's spelled right and i'm entirely too lazy to go look it up) on his side of the bed and just breathed. weird, i know. and i cried. because i miss him. i miss the way he smells. i miss holding hands with him. just talking to him. my god, how many times a day did we talk? or email each other? or tweet each other on twitter? i miss laying with him, feeling his skin and warmth. and now my life is empty. so i washed my sheets. and it was unbelievably hard. the simple act of washing my sheets was unbelievably hard. because now there will be no more smell of james.
i want to move. i want to make a new life for us. somewhere the boys will be happy. i want to take this terrible tragedy and turn it into something better. i want to figure out what i want to do with my life and how i'm going to do it. the problem with that, however......right now i can't seem to focus. i mean literally. sometimes i just sit here in a confused state unsure of what i need to do and/or should be doing. it takes all my energy just to get through the day (and to help the boys get through their days). so i need to figure out a way to find clarity. so i can decide what i want to do. i've been told not to make any major life changes right now. that may be sound advice. i'm not sure. but i'm thinking. thinking about what i am going to do. what i want to do. and how i'm going to make it happen. big big words for me right now because literally my head hurts from trying to figure out which new insurance plan to take, how to get my will done, the billion phone calls i have to make tomorrow. but i am thinking. and it's a start. the problem with moving, (well, there are many) but the obvious one to me at this second.....i'm not sure i want to leave the house that james and i shared. that we turned into a home for us and the boys. so much to think about.
weird, random thoughts that cross my mind. i am sure i stunned james' mom and sister when i left the hospital after he died. i spent every waking second that i could with him (when i wasn't home checking on the boys) when he was in the hospital. not knowing whether he could feel me hold his hand, or kiss him, or hear my voice, or feel me lay next to him (as close as i could get with all the tubes and everything else). after he died (i layed bent over his chest, holding his hand)....well after he died, while he was dying, i told him how much i loved him. that i would be okay. that the boys would be okay. i couldn't say goodbye. i just told him how much i love him. and then i had to leave. i couldn't look at him like that any more. because that wasn't james. when he died he turned purple, and blue, and that was not james. i turned to mike (friend of ours who was in the room with me) and i told him i had to go. because i needed to be with alexander. and then ethan when he got out of school. yes, E was in school when james died. the boys couldn't see him like that. it would have scared them. so so deeply. and james wouldn't have wanted that. so after james died i went home. left the hospital. got in my car and drove home. leaving james' mom and his sister still in the hospital room. i needed to be with alexander. james died at 11:30am. when it was time to pick ethan up from school i took alexander with me and we went and got E.
when i had alexander in the car with me (while we were waiting for E to come out of his classroom) i began talking to alexander. and he finished my sentence for me. he asked me if daddy died. and i, choking back tears, told him yes. so when E got into the car, i hugged him, and then told him as well. and it was heart-breaking. for them. for me. for us. it really was one of the worst moments in my life. to have to tell my children that their father died. horrifying. absolutely horrifying.
nothing seems to keep my attention these days. movies, television....nothing. but what i've been doing is reading the trashy novel i bought to take with me to thailand. i'm reading lipstick jungle when i go to bed. reading until my eyes literally will not stay open any longer. and then i turn the light off and try to sleep. sometimes for an hour. sometimes two. always waking up i swear to god about 20 times a night. i wake up feeling as exhausted as i did when i went to bed. and for now, reading my book is the only way i can fall asleep at all. so i'm off to read a few more chapters in my trashy novel. which makes me laugh. a trashy novel. hey. it's really not that trashy. but it does, at least, for a few minutes, take my mind somewhere else which is much needed.


Quiet Violet said...

Oh sweet lady. I want to pick you up, swallow you and let you rest in my soul. My heart is broken and I didn't even know of you until reading Em's blog. There's nothing I can say to let you know how much (even though I don't know you) I love you and your boys and wish I could help mend your hearts.

<3<3<3 Violet

Anonymous said...

I dont know you and yet I feel your pain as if it were mine...I dont think there are words to say to you....just be strong....I will keep you in my heart and pray and wish you stength and love


Denise said...

I really have no words. I am sorry that this happened to you and your boys. I try to imagine (I have 2 little boys myself) and I cannot. I do know this, that there is enough love in the world to help carry you through this, and some how you and your beautiful little men will be okay. I wish you strenth and peace as you go through this unimaginable time.

Anonymous said...

oh k...
you are such a brave one.
thinking of you
em xx

Anonymous said...

I wrote my wishes earlier and I thought I would also suggest Byron Katie just lost my dad this summer and read her book and looked at some of her videos on you tube...wishing your family love


K :) Family Historian said...

God bless.
i don't really think that words are sufficient to express how deeply sorry i am for your loss.
although i don't know you, i can feel your soul in your words and i hope that you will find comfort in your time with your little boys.

~Amie~ said...

my dear kimberly. you are continually in my thoughts. I'm sending you some major hugs!!

Punkass said...

hi Kimberly,
I miss him too. i have a goofy pic of your man in my cube. i really do miss him.

Amber said...

Oh how sad I feel for you right now. I feel so deeply for you and your boys. I just cannot imagine. So sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you try to find peace and clarity.


Anonymous said...

I can hear your pain in your words... and I can feel it in my heart too. I wish i could be there to take some of those things that you need to do -to ease your burden a bit.

Only you know what's best for your kids and for you... you do what's best.

Oh - and I would feel exactly the same way about washing the sheets. EXACTLY.

Much love to you.

Lisa said...

Sweet girl
Only you can know the path that you are walking and only you can make the decisions that are best for you and your boys right now.
I don't say that to make you feel more alone. I only say that to let you know that I have absolute faith in your choices.
Your life with James was filled with love and you have two precious boys as testament to that love.
And from that life of love with James you have developed a core strength. You may not feel it or know it, but it is there. It is evident everyday.
In how you are waking up and breathing and moving forward with the day to day and the ordinary celebrations of life.
You are coping and that is everything right now.
You are so loved Kimberly. So loved and so supported. Hold that close. You don't get to pick your family. But you do get to pick your friends. And I have to say, you have surrounded yourself with some amazing people.

Anonymous said...

I totally understand the sheets and please know that you will be able to smell him in your mind because after 6 years, I can still close my eyes and "smell" my mother and my 15 year old daughter, who was 9 when she died, can too. It's ok to take comfort in the small things honey.

tara said...

oh, the sheets.....
i totally TOTALLY get that, kimberly. jeffs smell is so special to me. that must have been SO HARD. do you have a dirty shirt you can sleep with?

Patrice~ said...

dear Kimberly.
the sheets thing?
totally get it.

what to say?
you're doing
everything right.
b/c really there is no
wrong or right.

except for your boys.
b/c they are so right.
and loved.
and have untapped strength.

just like their mother.
and their daddy.


Anonymous said...

you are absolutely amazing. you are an inspiration to me, and a reminder to never take anything for granted. i pray for you and your boys, God Bless you guys.

Michelle said...

Kimberly ohh there just are no word...nothing that anyone can say to ease your heartache, only time can do that. The smell let it comfort you find something and hold on to it breathe in deep it will never leave and neither will his spirit. I think of you often and send you positive thoughts. Stay strong and let the boys be your happiness.

Judy D. said...

Earrings arrived today and all is good. I only wish I could take away some of your pain.

tara said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. i am sorry you have to live this reality every day and that your boys also do too.....if i could, i would take all the pain away. i don't know you, but i feel so much through your words. and it makes me thankful and grateful to have my husband, thank you for sharing your life to make other people realize what they have. thank you and HUGS!

Leah said...

sending big texas love to you and A and E...we love pokemon here too!
it must have been so hard to wash those sheets!
I am amazed by your strength and I love you mucho!

kerry lynn said...

i can't imagine your pain
but your truth and honesty
it breaks my heart for you
for your boys
sending love

Chelle said...

I dont know you and came across ur blog, while blog hopping.
I can totally understand the sheet thing. I did the same thing 11 years ago. The little things will always be there and pop up when you need them. Or just because.
I stil have my dad's dressing gown which remains unwashed because it smells of him- just faintly now. dad passed 7 years ago.

I hope sleep comes to you soon, and wish you and ur boys a wonderful life

april said...

Oh Kimberly-
My heart is bleeding for you. I so wish I could come over with a rediculous amount of sugar and we could sit on your couch and cry and eat and talk. Kisses to you today.

Heather of Washington State said...

Don't be afraid to make plans for a totally out-of-the-ordinary Christmas. The holidays will never be the same anyways, so take control and give the boys something positive to look forward to. All of you deserve it.

My cousin and her family went new places for the first years after the death of their 9 year old daughter to cancer. Paris, a posh hotel, Disneyworld, a tropical resort -- they wanted to be far from home during the holidays and on the anniversaries (of the death, her birthday, etc). They wanted their remaining children to have some fun again and not be confined to a house full of grieving relatives during the holidays.

Plan a trip. Take the boys somewhere special. It won't be a vacation, it might not be joyous, but it will be a welcome distraction for all of you.

Kelly said...

I heard about your tragedy via Tara Whitney & Emily Falconbridge's blogs when it first happened but just read through your posts now. My heart is breaking for a wife and a mom of boys...I can't imagine the enormity of the grief that has enveloped your life. You are a brave & wonderful those boys with all you have!

Erin said...

I CANNOT imagine losing my husband and breaking the news to my daughter. Unimaginably hard. The closest I have come to tragedy is losing a pregnancy (actually, 4) when I was in my 2nd trimester. Just let the grief happen when it needs to. Sometimes, when I had to put on a *brave face*, I would close my eyes and shout swear words in my head, or write them really big on a piece of paper. Sounds juvenile, but somehow it seemed to relieve a tiny bit of pressure... at least enough to get a breath. And never let yourself feel like you need to move on if you're not ready.

I will keep reading... and though you do not know me, my heart is with you. I am praying for a crazy miracle of peace to be with you.

Kimmy said...

i don't know you but i can feel your pain - take your strength from the people who love you. i will send my strength to you as will others ...

happydesk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
happydesk said...

I linked to you from Tara Whitney and just want to send (((HUGS))). I want to give you a tip for "saving" James' smell. When my dad died 9 years ago I put his wallet in a tin with a cover and about a year later I opened it to look at and it smelled like him still. I am not sure if a coffee tin with a plastic lid would work but my tin has a tin top too. May peace and love enter your heart everyday with great memories of James. Sarah in Michigan.

2:44 PM

Anonymous said...

Dear Kimberly,

You are not alone. Many people you know and many you do not are wishing you peace and strength and healing. Please count me among them. The raw emotion of your posts is hard to come back to, as you say, but I believe that sharing that kind of pain amongst many who care will ease the strain somewhat, as we all try to carry a tiny fraction of your tremendous burden. At least, this is my hope. Blessings to you and your boys.