Thursday, October 23, 2008

it's hitting home.

i have never felt so sad and empty in my life. i just left alexander's room. i knew something was up all day today. and yesterday. alexander has been very quick to cry. and that's not how he is. he is mellow. but yesterday, and today....something was different.
tonight, when i tucked the boys in, alexander played in his room (like he normally does, instead of going right to sleep). i'm fine with that, as long as he stays in his bed, is fairly quiet....eventually he goes to sleep. but tonight, tonight was different.
alexander called out to me from his doorway after having been in 'bed' for about 30 minutes. he said something was scaring him. i went up to his room, climbed into his bed and we talked. a couple minutes later, alexander was crying. and telling me he misses daddy. he gets it. he understands daddy is never coming home. and oh my god i felt so inadequate. there was nothing i could do or say, to make him feel better. we cried together. we talked and talked. i told him it's okay to be sad. to cry. that we can be sad together. and cry together. that we will get through this together. that i love him. that daddy loves him. and it was one of the hardest things i have ever done. just watching him, so sad, so lost. and there really was nothing i could do. i did my best to comfort him, but i can never bring his daddy back and it breaks my heart.
i never thought a person could ever feel this way. i just kept saying inside my head, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, i don't think i can take this. this hurts too much. and it's not fair. to james. to alexander. to ethan. and again, my stomach hurts. and i hurt. so much. how am i going to get the boys through this. i can't even make sense of it myself. how am i supposed to make sense of it to them?
i know i need to get up in the morning. and do it all over again. but god how i don't want to. i just don't want to face another day. but i will. because i have no choice. i have to do this for the boys. and for james. i told him i would.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog since Tara Whitney told us about James in her blog.
There are no words for such a loss. I hope and wish that you and your boys will get through this and I know it's one step a time and one day a time. Just get through the day, I know this feeling, when the day is a horror to face. I will light a candle for you, your boys and James and give you all a big hug from the Netherlands.
Love, Ingrid

Anonymous said...

Kimberly....I wish so badly that I could take some of your pain away. I'm keeping you in my prayers and I think about you and the boys constantly. If there's anything...ANYTHING I can do to help, please ask!

Hugs,
Cari K.

Melissa said...

((hugs)) I'm so sorry for the pain you and your boys are in. Each day will get a little easier. Hang in there.

You're in my thoughts,

Melissa

Lisa M. Pace said...

I think of you and the boys every single day. You will remain in my prayers. I am so sorry you three are having to deal with so much pain. I hope you all are able to find peace daily if only for a second.

Hugs to you my friend.

Lisa said...

I don't have the words to make your pain go away Kimberly. I wish with all my heart that I did.

All I have are my support and friendship.

The words of this song keep running in a loop through my head.

Any time you need me...call me...no matter where you are, no matter how far.

I will keep you close to my heart dear friend.

Patrice~ said...

you.
and your sons.
are in my thoughts.
everyday.
and please know that I am
so very very sorry
for your hurt.
so very very sorry for your loss.
and so very very sorry for your boys' hurt and loss.

ps: I know you're not hungry.
but try to keep hydrated, ok?

Anonymous said...

strength and hugs from holland!

tineke

LisaW said...

no. there are no words. i cannot think of anything worse than watching your children hurt.

hang in there. know that you can only do your best - and you are.

you are thought of and prayed for.

*reyanna klein* said...

I don't know you. I read about you on Cathy's blog, and I come here to check up on you when I get a chance to be online. There's nothing I can say, but I wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. And I wish I had your address, so I could send you something cool... to lift your spirits if only for a minute. Hang in there. :)

Anonymous said...

I just happened to come across your blog the other day and can't seem to get you and your boys off my mind. I am so sad about your loss and the pain you are going through right now must seem unbearable. I will continue to pray for your family.

Hugs to you and the boys,
Karen
Madison, FL

jensmack said...

by being there - listening to them, crying with them - you are doing everything you are supposed to be doing. You will get through this together.

xoxoxo

Heather said...

Kimberly...I have no words. Your latest entry literally made me cry. I can feel your grief as I read your words and look at that pic of James and Alexander. I'm so so sorry.

Love,
H.

Ingrid said...

(( huggggggs ))

you're so strong and brave, even if you can't see it in yourself at the moment..
your boys have such a wonderful mama.
james has such a wonderful wife.

baby steps, love.
it's ok to hurt - (how could anybody ask you NOT to hurt?)..

i am holding you, holding you very tightly, praying for you, thinking of you, sending all my love to you and your family.

ingrid <3

Kristen said...

I can only imagine the loss and pain you feel. I am so terribly sorry this tragegy fell upon your young family. I pray you and your boys find some healing and comfort soon.
Kristen

nicoleq said...

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your beloved, James.
I can only begin to feel the depth of your pain in your words.
Saying sorry, or I'll be praying for you and thinking of you... just doesn't seem enough.
He sounds like he was an incredible man... and now you have an incredible angel watching over you and your sweet boys.

Carrie K. said...

I heard about your story from Tara's blog and just have been thinking about you and your boys ever since. I cry everytime I read one of your posts. You remind me to cherish everyday with my loved ones, as it sounds like you and James did.

You are doing a great job with your boys and only time and faith will heal. Please know that you and your family are in mine and many others thoughts and prayers.

If you need anything, please know that there are many of us out here that are will to help.

Love and peace,
Carrie

Anonymous said...

Kimberly, one day at a time is all you can do. And you must eat and keep yourself healthy. Your boys need you to be healthy. You will get through, one day at a time and years from now you will be so proud of yourself and of them for surviving this tragedy and doing what you can dad by day. Cry with them, hold them. You CAN raise them alone and you're already doing all you need to right now. Just you being their mom is all they need today. My prayers are with you and your boys.

Rene' Sharp said...

My heart goes out to you and your sons!!

Robyn said...

I wish there were a way I could make this easier for you and your sweet sweet boys. Only time will help heal this wound and like all things this will get easier with time. You are a strong wonderfull mother, keep strong in your faith and remeber you will all make it through this.

Marieke said...

K you are one heck of a gal! You're doing such an awesome job of just surviving. Honey that is all you need to do right now. Survive. Keep breathing. Take one minute at the time. And try and look after yourself as best you can. For the boys. How I wish we weren't separated by oceans and half a world. I would take the boys to the zoo and keep them for the weekend and have you tucked up in bed with a sleeping pill. I wish I could take away your pain. The boys pain. Even for just one day to feel normal again.
Know that I'm keeping you and A and E close to my heart. Every day.

Rachel Anderson said...

Kimberly, I don't know you, but I just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you and your boys while you are going through this. Sending lots of love your way. xo.

Misty said...

Hold tight momma. we love you.

~Amie~ said...

my dear kimberly, I just want to send you some more HUGS

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you and your boys. You say you don't know how your are going to get through this. You are doing it! One freaking minute at a time. I hope that sharing your feelings and experience on this blog gives you even a half of a second of release from the pain.

Leslie Ashe said...

I just wanted to tell you I wish I could make it all go away Kimberly.

I adore you.
PLEASE - if there's ANYTHING I can do - please let me know.

I can't stop thinking about you!
I've got you on my mind every day.

I'm hugging you big time,
Love,
Leslie

Marnie said...

I found your blog through Emily F's. I have just read your posts and cried into my lap. I am so so sorry this has happened. My heart hurts for you and your boys. thinking of you, Marnie

donab said...

Kimberly, I've been thinking about you so much. You were very much with us in Thailand - your name came up almost every day.

Reading your sadness, your sons' sadness, just breaks my heart. I'm so glad that you are able to write about it and have some space to process it. I know from my own walk with grief this year (though oh, not even comparable) that holding it, feeling it, talking about it, is so healing. If I can be any assistance - a friend, an ear, a distraction, please use me.