i have never felt so sad and empty in my life. i just left alexander's room. i knew something was up all day today. and yesterday. alexander has been very quick to cry. and that's not how he is. he is mellow. but yesterday, and today....something was different.
tonight, when i tucked the boys in, alexander played in his room (like he normally does, instead of going right to sleep). i'm fine with that, as long as he stays in his bed, is fairly quiet....eventually he goes to sleep. but tonight, tonight was different.
alexander called out to me from his doorway after having been in 'bed' for about 30 minutes. he said something was scaring him. i went up to his room, climbed into his bed and we talked. a couple minutes later, alexander was crying. and telling me he misses daddy. he gets it. he understands daddy is never coming home. and oh my god i felt so inadequate. there was nothing i could do or say, to make him feel better. we cried together. we talked and talked. i told him it's okay to be sad. to cry. that we can be sad together. and cry together. that we will get through this together. that i love him. that daddy loves him. and it was one of the hardest things i have ever done. just watching him, so sad, so lost. and there really was nothing i could do. i did my best to comfort him, but i can never bring his daddy back and it breaks my heart.
i never thought a person could ever feel this way. i just kept saying inside my head, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, i don't think i can take this. this hurts too much. and it's not fair. to james. to alexander. to ethan. and again, my stomach hurts. and i hurt. so much. how am i going to get the boys through this. i can't even make sense of it myself. how am i supposed to make sense of it to them?
i know i need to get up in the morning. and do it all over again. but god how i don't want to. i just don't want to face another day. but i will. because i have no choice. i have to do this for the boys. and for james. i told him i would.