Wednesday, October 22, 2008

the last photo of us.

this was taken at my brother's house when james and i went to celebrate my brother's oldest son's 11th birthday in september. there will be no more photos of the two of us. and i'm really still sort of stunned. i can't believe this is our life now. i am very glad i have this photograph.

the boys and i are, well....we're doing it. getting up in the morning. getting through our days. trying, trying really hard to adjust to our new reality. E had some trouble at school on monday. his teacher called me and i went up to the school (took alexander with me) and spent about an hour up there. E has so many emotions going on inside he doesn't know how to process them. he doesn't understand everything he is feeling. and it just all came out. at once. and it was so sad. it breaks my heart to watch him in so much pain. i want to take it all away, make eveything better, the way it used to be. but i can't. and it makes my stomach hurt.

i am so sad. i miss james. every second i am awake. i'm barely sleeping. i wake up sweating. then i'm cold. my god. how can this have happened? i just really don't know. i don't understand it. to the best person i have ever met? and i mean that. james was the best thing that ever happened to me. i am doing my best to help the boys. giving them all the love i have. trying to make them feel secure again. E is having trouble sleeping. he is scared at night. alexander handles his sadness in a slightly different way. he told me this morning he doesn't want to have a dead daddy. i told him i didn't want him to have a dead daddy either. and it took everything i had not to break down in tears. i know it's okay for the boys to see me sad, and cry, but the sadness in alexander's voice, the look on his face, i would have more than just cried. i woudln't have been able to stop.

one minurte i am fine, and getting through the day. the next? i never thought i could feel so empty. ever. it's like a desperation so deep inside i'm afraid it will swallow me up. that if i start screaming i will never stop. my body shakes and i'm cold. then five minutes later i'm hot and feel like i'm going to throw up. i have no appetite. i eat dinner with the boys because i know i have to. but it's hard. everything is hard right now.

i just miss james. and the boys miss their daddy. so many people i have never even met have left messages here, and for that, i thank you. wonderful words of support. and to every single person who donated money on our behalf, there are no words. thank you is just not enough.

today is the day i was supposed to leave for my trip to thailand with emily and tara. emily and tara, who have done so much for me. for us. to them i am eternally grateful and forever in their debt. to ali edwards, thank you as well. and cathy zielske. i thank you too. to every single person who left a comment of some kind, or donated money, you have shown us kindness in the most horrible time in our lives. and that is beautiful. and amazing. and i thank you. every single one of you. please know you have touched our lives. and there just really are no words to express how much i appreciate all of you.

to the thailand girls (all of you.....i hope you are having the most amazing trip ever). i am thinking about all of you and can't wait to see some of your amazing photographs and to hear about your adventures.


Dina said...

I've been thinking about you a're doing all the right things, Kimberly. Surviving, coping one minute at a time, being there for your boys...just know we are here for you when you need us.

Debs said...

I am so so sorry that you have lost your one and only, i'm sorry for the pain you and your boys are going through, im sorry that there are so many unanswered questions, thoughts and feelings...but I pray that you will find all the strength you need to get through this in a time that works for you, as a mum and as a woman. I know God looks over you all, as I know James is too...I bet you all have a wonderful memory book together.
hugs to you all

Laura said...

I am brand new to your blog. All I can say is that I'm sorry and I am thinking of you today.

Gail Arnold said...

Kimberly...thinking about you a ton and just know that you are being prayed for and thought of so much. I'm lifting up you and your boys in prayer daily and hope that you feel the love and support from everyone.

Anonymous said...

Dear kimberly....just sending love and support from somebody you don't know but from somebody who has children and knows you shouldn't have to be going through this. It just seems so terribly unfair..and sad beyond words. You sound like you are doing an amazing job supporting your boys whilst suffering so much..I'm sure the strength must be from the love you have for your James and knowing he would want you to be loving and caring them for him. Keep doesn't take away the pain we know you are in...but will make such a difference to your boys.
Is there a P.O Box or address we could send something to the boys??
In my thoughts...Poppy xx

Patrice said...

hugs to you and your
beautiful boys.
step at a time.
day at a time.

Misty said...

You and the boys were the best thing that ever happened to James too.

You and yours are constantly on my mind.


jensmack said...

Thank you for updating your blog - I'm sure nothing is easy right now but I'm glad to hear from you.

You're in my thoughts all the time. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs.

Dana said...

I can't stop thinking about you. And, we don't know each other. Funny how that is. I had to say that in your last image together...the single best thing about the image is the way he is looking at you. You were totally his one and only. It's this comfortable, familiar glance. It's the best thing.

I'm at a loss for words...hugs and thoughts to you all,


Lisa said...

My constant prayer for you every day is that you will:

take the support of those who care for you

feel the love that was given and is given to you


that every day brings some small comfort.

You are in my thoughts constantly

Anonymous said...

we are missing you and feeling for you and loving you. all of us.
em xx

april said...

I think about you every day as our little group gets together here in Thailand. I miss you and I don't even know you. My heart is heavy for you and your sweet boys. May God envelope you and buoy you up during this horrific time. If you ever need anything. I mean ANYTHING. Please email me. Much love to you and yours.

Kari said...

Talking about you each day, as a dear friend and an empty chair. Missing you in everything that we do here. Praying for you and your boys that peace and solace will find your hearts.

Love you, sweetie . . . Kari

Danielle Combs said...

My heart hurts for you and the boys. I wish there were something to say that could somehow, even only slightly, lessen the depth of your pain, but I know that's impossible. So, just and the boys remain in my thoughts and in my heart, though we are but strangers.