random things you may or may not want to know.

wishing i was here right now. instead of where i am. pic is from thanksgiving at caspar beach (2007). that's alexander in the background.

i love the smell of coffee. fresh roasted. fresh brewed. i just love the smell.

all i want to eat today is dark chocolate kisses, reese's peanut butter cups and caffeine free pepsi. i prefer caffeine free coke but we're all out. i've been craving soda (big time) lately.

i think i am so tired i can't sort things out. as much as i hate to do it, i'm going to go to bed early tonight. it doesn't do me any good to sit and stare at nothing while sitting at my scrap table or at a computer screen. that's not really productive, now is it.

i think denis leary has a sexy body. he's skinny but toned, muscular.

wishing i could figure out why i'm having such a difficult time with everything right now. maybe going to bed early will be good for me. i am always so damn tired. but HATE giving up my free time (which is only after the boys go to bed) to sleep. but i think if i don't do it i may never be able to produce another painting, LO or AJ page. i'm just too tired. my mind is mush.

my long haired boy.

a lot of parents don't like long hair on their kids/won't let them grow it long. me? i don't care. E is who he is and can express himself however he wants (as long as he's not in danger of hurting himself or anyone else and blah blah blah). i dig the long hair. and right now he does too. so it's all good.

why i love starbucks.

pic i took on easter. didn't take many pics at all that day but this is one.

today (3.25.08)was a hard day for alexander.

we had his four year well check appointment.

he got....count them......FIVE shots. omg. O.M.G it was hard to watch. after it was all over i took him to starbucks. of course he's a junkie like me. we went to the drive thru that's right by the pediatrician's office. he asked for hot cocoa. i got a non-fat decaf mocha misto, x-hot, no whip. my mom sent me a starbucks card for easter. i gave it to the dude but he somehow threw it away. so there we were....waiting for what seemed like forever (but in reality was probably 6 minutes), and he's periodically sticking his head out the window to explain....he ended up giving us our drinks for free and reloading a new card for me (he never found the old one). it was all good. a free drink? always a good one. lol.... i like that starbucks always takes care of the customer. i fully 100% appreciate that. i still have some of my mocha misto in the fridge for later. go me!

affirmation

i painted this friday night while everyone was in bed. i like the impressionistic quality to this piece. i've sort of been stuck lately......not scrapping, doing 'some' painting....wanting to work in my art journal but not feeling it. i have a partially complete art journal page on my table right now.....who knows when i'll finish it.

i have no objectivity when it comes to my own work (this goes for scrapping as well as painting). yes...some pieces/pages i love more than others...and those seem to be the ones other peeps like...but that's not always the case. i'm finding it hard to stand alone....to believe that i'm actually good....to believe in myself......that i can do this. i seem to need affirmation. in all honesty i don't think i suck. i like what i create. but....there always seems to be a but....i'm just not sure. for anyone reading this....i'm not saying all of this so you'll tell me i'm good....i'm just working through my doubt....my insecurity....trying to decide if i want to try and do something with my paintings. it's one thing to make an art journal page or a painting for myself. it's quite another to actually take someone's money for your work.

i think part of my recent doubt comes from the fact that until fairly recently i hadn't painted actual 'pieces' since before ethan was born. of course i've done art journal pages...and scrappged pages....but those are different. for some reason i am filled with much more doubt than i was back then. wonder why that is. i look to james for his opinion....and he's been wrapped up in work...being sick....being exhausted....i don't really feel like i'm getting much feedback. and when i told my brother i sold a painting...he was fairly surprised. i was like...dude...i don't suck!!! lol.... maybe it's just hard for him to see me as anything other than his little sister..the stay at home mom...i'm not sure. but it was unsettling! lol... so if i'm going to do this, i really DO have to stand alone, tell myself i am good enough...and do this. just not sure i'm ready.

even my mom gives me the 'it's nice dear' comments (though she rarely sees my stuff). i'm just not sure she 'gets' it. gets MY style. she's never been one to jump up and down and scream over anything....i just think the peeps closest to me would be the ones rooting the most for me....the ones supporting me. it doesn't seem to be that way. i get more from (mostly) people i have never even met IRL and whom are seeing my work over a computer. things can look different in real life. in person. so once again...i have to rely on ME to decide if my stuff is good enough. if i can do this. and if i'm going to do it....HOW i'm going to do it. i get stuck on logistics. seriously. deep inside me....where i am 100% honest with myself.....i think i can do this. i'm afraid to say it out loud. i'm afraid to put myself out there. so i'm thinking.

the scoop.

i think i am socially retarded. i absolutely 100% cannot stand the politics of life. politics in scrapbooking. politics in even the most simple task (like taking and picking up your son from school). i mean seriously. what am i, in high school again? cliques of moms picking up their kids. i don't belong anywhere. and sometimes it makes me sad. so then i withdraw. i'm good at that.

i am afraid to show anyone the real me because often times the real me is frustrated, not positive....basically a real mess. and it seems when i let the real me surface....that's when things get messed up. i find it easier to keep to myself and write here, or work in my art journal than deal with real people. kind of scary actually. i'm not a hermit...not really...just sort of. in person i am extremely shy. like painfully shy. i think people are surprised by that the most when they meet me. they expect me to be mouthy....say exactly what's on my mind. and i do....AFTER i've had a few drinks. otherwise i'm pretty quiet. because really...i just don't think i'm equipped to deal with 'friends'. i get to a certain point with a 'friend' and then it's like i quit knowing how to function. i'm not sure how much 'me' to let my 'friend' see....how much is too much....what will and won't scare the person away. what i should and shouldn't say. seriously. i am socially retarded. and i am ALWAYS editing myself before i speak. and that is making me lose myself even more. if that's possible.

i need more control over my life.

i kind of dig this pic. it's blurry. but i don't care. i think i'll be scrapping it at some point. it kind of has a 'feel' to it and i connect with that. it's like by looking at this pic of myself as an outside observer.....by separating myself and being objective....it helps me to figure things out. if i felt like scrapping at all....or art journaling at all...i'd be all set. but i don't. maybe that's not true. i have been feeling the urge to work in my art journal but the problem is it's always when i can't. it's always when i absolutely can't scrap or be creative. which is the story of my life. i'm pretty damn tired of scrapping only when everyone is asleep. of 'stealing' time to be creative. it sure would be nice just to go scrap WHEN i feel creative. what a concept. i could go steal 15 minutes right now. james has the boys downstairs. but why bother. because in 15 minutes (which is just enough time for me to get all messy and have stuff everywhere)....i'd have to clean up brushes...and myself....and go read story. soon it's beddy-bye time for the boys. and james. who's sick. but by then the creative urge will have passed. so here i sit. not scrapping. not working in my art journal.

back from texas.

one of the things we did in texas (with my MIL, my BIL, his wife, their little boy brian, our nephew matthew, james, me E and alexander was go spelunking. when will asked if we wanted to go spelunking i was like....uh....what? never heard of it. i guess that's what it's called when you go mineral cave exploring. my MIL bought the boys these hard hats. they had lights on them. the caves were dark. very very dark. so here's a cheeze ball pic from our afternoon in the caves.

the trip home was a bit of a nightmare. it took us 16 hours to get home. 16 hours! from 7am to 10:30 pm. we were supposed to go from austin to vegas. change planes in vegas and fly home. but the plane in austin had engine probs so we had to get off. and then we had to wait a few hours for another plane to be flown in. we were about three hours late taking off. that made us miss our connecting flight in vegas. so then we were re-routed to oakland. the only thing they forgot to tell us was that the flight out of oakland to reno was at 9:30 pm. they expected us to wait 7 hours in the airport for that flight. there as no flipping way i was hanging in the airport for 7 hours with my kids. they were exhausted. we tried to get on stand-by for the next available flight out of oakland. they had only ONE seat. i tried to convince my MIL go to. or our nephew matthew (he's 17). they wanted to stay with us. we ended up renting a car and driving the rest of the way home. can you say southwest airline sucks??? i can.

i'm feeling a little on the blah'd side. not sure if it's because i'm tired. i don't feel like scrapping. and i don't really feel like painting. i'm finding it's kind of nice not to be so obsessive about something, at least for a bit.

now i need to go put more laundry in the dryer (but first take the load out that's already in there). i want to get E's jacket washed for school tomorrow.

more painting.

not sure you can really see the texture here, but trust me. it's there. nice, thick paint. love that. i made a cover for one of my art journals last week. it had flowers similar to these. two of them. it was simple yet had impact. it was my art journal cover that inspired me to paint this. this is not painted from a photograph. i just saw in my mind orange flowers in a pitcher and this is how it turned out. the flowers look a little redder than they really are. they have an orange hue to them IRL.

heading off to texas early in the morning for a little family business. back in a few days.

ps. patrice, do you like THESE flowers?

sometimes i paint from a photograph.

i sometimes paint from a photograph. i took this picture about 8 years ago when james and i went to mendocino, california....one of my fave places in the world.

if you look at my last post you will see this painting as a work in progress. it's now done. i thought it would be fun to show you the photograph i painted from and the actual painting. and...uh...keep in mind when you're looking....i'm a fan of impressionism, not realism. i like it to be recognizable yet slightly different if that makes any sense. and a piece like this looks best if looked at from a distance.

a work in progress

started this a couple of days ago. haven't really had the time to work on it much. one of my favorite parts about creating a painting? when you begin and there is absolutely nothing. then all the sudden...the painting just takes shape and you get a sense of what it is going to be. looove that. you're looking at a 'first sitting' of this painting. what i mean is, this is what i got done the very first time i worked on it. hope to finish it this weekend. heh. we'll see. weekends aren't usually filled with kid-free and creative time for me.