Tuesday, May 18, 2010

conflict.

i am constantly at conflict wtih myself.
i love my children.
yet i long for freedom.
to NOT be a parent.
struggled with this issue for years.
that's why i was going to thailand.
part of the reason, anyway.
one of the things that has been hardest for me is how hurt the boys have been by their father's death. fucking duh.
he was huge in their lives.
and now he is not present.
on a daily, in person kind of way.
now he is only memories.
it breaks my heart to see all the other father's at tball practice while alexander's is not.
i am there.
but james is not.
james coached for ethan.
and can't be there for zan.
THAT is the shit that kills me.
knowing what the boys are missing.
like tomorrow.
when ethan has to go on his field trip without me.
he wants me there.
but i cannot go.
the field trip is after alexander gets out of school.
kindergarten is short.
so E must go off.
without a parent.
which makes him sad.
it makes ME sad.
i cannot be in two places at once.
i am stretched too thin.
being everything to them.
all the time.
right now, sitting in front of the computer i can literally feel the stress in my neck.
and shoulders.
my head hurts.
part of it is being tired.
part of it is just the constant-ness of being a parent.
never getting to sleep in.
being the only one.
i laugh when i think about how hard i thought it was before james died.
cuz dude. that was nothing.
when bad things happen it sucks.
you figure it out.
step by step.
in the end, it's all about how you handle yourself.
to those who think i haven't 'sucked it up', or, dealt with my unhappy circumstances, i say this.
walk a mile in my shoes. THEN you can criticize me. until then, shut the fuck up.
that last part was directed at my father, you know, in case anyone was wondering.
he thinks i'm not doing this well.
which is funny.
he doesn't even know me.
or my children.
and hasn't been here for us.
a second email he sent me.
as hurtful as the first.
i choose not to respond.
because it is pointless.

5 comments:

QuirkyGirl said...

Part of why I starting reading you (you know BEFORE I felt I knew you and became invested and decided that we ARE friends even if I've never heard you're voice or can call you for a cup of coffee-which flat SUCKS by the way!!!) is that you say the stuff I feel but don't say because I don't think anyone else will get it. I'm talking of course about the conflict of loving my kids and being a mom yet resenting it all at the same time. You're courage never ceases to amaze me. And don't go with all the bullshit about not being brave. Courage isn't the lack of fear, Momma, its stepping up in spite of it. THAT you've got in spades, Man.

Keep on keepin on, Momma.

Leah said...

I am so sorry...my father sits in my living room right now drinking his...I don't know 10th beer...maybe less...maybe more...but the fact is that it really doesn't matter how many he drinks...it is always too much...I wish I could be there for you...live and in person...because I love you and want only the best for you. hugs.

Anonymous said...

Your post does not fall on deaf ears... I am raising 3 boys too. I'd say it's pretty messed up. I am angry, happy, sad all bunched up in one. I guess I want to say even though your miles away you are not alone.

mary said...

Your post does not fall on deaf ears... I am raising 3 boys too. I'd say it's pretty messed up. I am angry, happy, sad all bunched up in one. I guess I want to say even though your miles away you are not alone.

mary said...

I think I posted twice sorry...