fear.
living with it.
dealing with it.
kicking its ass.....somedays.
somedays not.

edouard manet.

i'm a huge fan of impressionism. edouard manet painted a piece and titled it 'the lemon'. i happend across it the other day and was inspired enough to sit down and paint my version of his work. i'm not sure it's done. i often view things i've painted from different ways. in a mirror. hanging (taped) to a wall. even on-line. it really helps. the different perspectives....an amazing tool. i am so in love with chunky paint. paint strokes that can clearly be seen.
yesterday alexander woke up an hour early from his nap. instead of getting upset at him (he's been truly exhausted this last week)....i suggested we paint together. now this is huge people. i do not paint with my kids when i am painting. i'm generally alone when i paint. but yesterday, yesterday....well....he was so excited at waking to find me painting, and he wanted to paint so badly that i said yes. and it was nice. he was sweet. and proud of himself for his creations. it was great. we talked, painted, got messy (VERY messy), and just enjoyed being together until it was time to pick up E from school.
now. on to other things. this will be a long post. it has been a surreal week. a surreal day. through it all the boys have been amazing. especially today, while spending an entire day in an itty bitty recovery room, alexander was so amazing. so good. so in tune with what was going on. he's my kid so of course i'm biased. but seriously, that little boy blew me away today.
we are now at home. all of us. the way it should be. all week i was either totally fine or totally in break-down mode. i was mostly scared at how i would keep it all from affecting the boys. how i would keep myself together since this time i had no one to watch alexander so he had to come with me. i wouldn't have the luxery of sneaking off somewhere to let out my emotion. i had to keep it together, to show him (and E) that everything was going to be okay. and i'm still.....i can't even begin to tell you...just blown away by his behavior today. he was just so good. and caring. and worried. and never wanting to leave our sides.
since E was at school for most of the day, i was worried less about him. we talked a little before school. he knew what today was. i told him i would pick him up and i did. he needed his routine and that's what i gave him. that and some reassurance this morning. and lots more tonight.
everyone in our household is exhausted. the boys are tucked into their beds. james is tucked into ours. as for me, i need a little time. to sort through my thoughts. so now, now that no one is watching me, taking cues from me....i can just let myself be.
today was a horrible day. even so, i saw amazing things (in alexander, james and E). i learned a few things about a couple of people these last few days. things that will stay with me forever. i am forever changed. i am hurt. i am angry. i have felt incredibly alone. but also not alone, it affects each of us, just in different ways. i had such mixed emotions today. but i held it together. all day.
i'm sort of sitting here perhaps shell-shocked. that's how i feel. i do not know what the future holds, how this will all turn out. but i know we will get through it together as a couple and as a family. whatever we have to do, well, that's what we'll do. there is nothing else to do.

feeling 0% creative but i painted anyway.

you can lose yourself all at once or you can lose yourself one day at a time. that's a quote i heard today and it stuck with me.

after i worked out today i went upstairs and MADE myself paint (for the last 20 minutes of alexander's nap). i wanted to.....but, well.....i haven't felt the least bit creative lately. i have to 'feel' it to make anything happen. it sucks not to have that 'need' to create. i want to....but i can take it or leave it. but today, i decided to not let it go. to go paint something. truthfully it looks better in person. for some reason the colors are a bit off in the scan. eh....you know.

it was nice to lose myself (even if it was for only 20 minutes), to focus on something arty, and at least make....well, something. one minute i am fine. the next i am having a mini freak out. the conversation i had with my mom last night was out of this world. and i mean that in a bad way. she is so wrapped up in her own world (and i can't blame her)......but her reaction was, lets just say, not what i expected. i can count on only one person. and that's james. and he can count on me. and that's the way it will be i guess. there is so much more i could say. and want to say. but know i shouldn't. so i won't.

i need to find a way to bring myself back. to want to create (not have to force myself to sit at my table). i need to find a way to make everything okay. finding a way to take a breath. a deep breath so i can de-stress. it's all going to be okay. it just will.

this is oliver.

he's the best dog on the planet. well, aside from callie. she's a good dog too. oliver and i have a connection. he follows me around everywhere i go. and i mean everywhere. oliver calms me. when i pet him, and lay with him, i can take a deep breath.

here's my disclaimer. if you read any further, you do so at your own risk. this post is for me. i have a few things to say. and this is where it's happening. if you're looking for a happy feel good post, read no further. this post will not be for you.

since sept 5th, it's been doctor appts, tests, more doctor appts. and as it turns out (we found out today)....even more tests. it feels like the last 13 days have been much longer than 13 days. and i feel like crying. and sleeping. and hiding. and going on like all is well. all at the same time.

i am grateful for what we have and how things are. things could be much worse. i am very aware of that. i am, however, also tired of living in fear (even if it is pushed to the far reaches of my mostly empty brain for the most part). it would be nice, if even for a little while, james and i could just be us. not us with this 'thing' to deal with. and now i am back to being grateful. grateful for james. who is an amazing man.

the grass is always greener.

having my mom here for a few days was nice. complicated, but nice. i wish i could make her life easier. it makes me sad how much worry and stress is in her life. her husband is scheduled for a bit of surgery tomorrow morning. i asked my mom if she wanted me to fly down. she said no. she will call me and keep me updated.

today i have been out of energy. emotionally and physically. out of sorts, sort of. it's because i'm tired. really really really tired.

my birthday was nice but my mom made a comment that bothers me. she said this time, this trip i seemed stressed. i am tired. that's a big part of it. and i told her that. it bothers me that she thinks she added more stress and work to my life. i don't care. i look forward to and enjoy her visits. even if i have to actually clean my house. and i didn't mind baking my own birthday cake. or my pie. i didn't want her to have to do it when she got here. i wanted her to have a break. to enjoy herself some and not work. i wanted to do something nice for her, to have little surprises and treats for her. she deserves it.

she gave me many wonderful gifts for my birthday. she professionally framed a card i made for her. she framed something else i did that has been published. that was just the most wonderful gift. so thoughtful. she gave me some cash too (for thailand) and a few other wonderful things. she spoils me and i completely and totally love it.

i didn't find any time to paint this weekend (it was crazy busy with my mom here). and that's okay. it'll come. sometime.

a photo.

trying to take it all in.
trying to live in the moment.
taking deep breaths.
trying to really, truly appreciate where i'm at.
finding a way to deal with stress.
finding a way to make my heart stop pounding with anxiety.
happy to have a normal day with no emergencies or surprises (the bad ones at least).
going to read story to my sick kid.
going to make time to paint this weekend. that's a must.

the end of summer is near.

painted this in my thailand journal. why pears? and why in my thailand journal? dunno. it was just what inspired me and what came out. and my thailand journal is just what happened to be nearby. and that's the way i work. i think i'll do a painting similar to this on canvas. i like it. i'll use this small piece as inspo for a larger one.

the end of summer really is near. we can no longer ride our bikes until 9 or 9:30. now it's totally dark at 8:30 and we're coming in earlier and earlier. today the high was 71 degrees. two days ago it was 98. tomorrow we're back up to the high 80s on our way back to the mid 90s. even so, the evenings are cool. a hoodie or long pants are needed for playing outside after dinner. this weekend our house has been neighborhood kid-central. kids coming and going, coming in without knocking, running around and staying until we've actually had to 'politely' suggest that they go home so we can get our own kids to bed. as i type this i still have two extra kids downstairs. i'm about to go down and suggest they go home. tomorrow it's back to second grade for E. and he's tired. he's slowly adjusting to his school schedule but E requires a lot of sleep. he's like me in that regard. so it's his bathtime and then a little quality time with dad, brush teeth, story and off to bed.