art journal page. journaling: moments of clarity. to have purpose. to feel passionate about something. 2.26.08

this original piece was done by henri matisse in 1906. i love matisse and when i saw this...well...once something gets inside my mind, i need to paint it to get it out. so this is my rendition of matisse's 'flowers in pitcher.' and now i can create something else.

i seem to be drawn to painting right now more than scrapping...art journaling more than scrapping. and that's okay. i'm good with that.

did this today.

don't let others define you. do not compare yourself to others. stand alone. believe in yourself. even when you question your artistic abilities. what you are searching for will not be found externally. it must come from within.

this is not my original art idea. it's my original art, but i was inspired by an itty bitty avatar on 2 peas (don't even know whose it was) that looked something like long green stems and flowers. i saw the avatar, liked it (a lot) then went immediately to my table and painted/made this art journal page. so i have no idea what it was exactly i was inspired by. a painting? a photograph? no clue. but thank you whomever you are and whatever it was. sat down and whipped this out. in about 5 minutes. i freaking love it when inspo hits and you can rock it out. part of the pleasure of this page was i didn't care exactly how it turned out. it just happened. without me fretting over any of it. i just did it. that, my friends, is pure.

note: it's not as white as it looks here. i painted off-white paint onto white cardstock but none of the white shows through. so it's red/orange flowers on off-white background. ~sigh~ looks so much better IRL.

this has happened two times now.

one night i woke up. had this dream i was screaming. like a primal scary scream. i wasn't screaming, just dreaming i was. it was weird. that was about 6 weeks ago.

yesterday, in the car with james and the boys (on the way to a birthday party), it happened again. that feeling like i was about to scream. that feeling in my chest like i had something inside that absolutely needed to get out. of course while i'm feeling this way i'm carrying on perfectly normal conversation with james. so weird.

i know what it is. i have a hard time recognizing what i am feeling, reacting to it, verbalizing it and dealing with it. sometimes everything just converges at once and i feel overwhelmed, over loaded. i manage to articulate at least some of what i am feeling. then it goes away. i feel better now that i've done this art journal page. so that's good.

my thoughts on control and boredom.

control
i admit it.
i like to have control of things.
i just do.
but i'm trying to let go. at least a little bit.
it's hard for me. but i'm trying.

boredom
i find myself easily bored.
looking for something exciting to happen in my life.
something fun. to shake up the monotony (sp?) of the everyday.
i so should not complain.
in a second things can change.
i am thankful for what we have, that things are the way they are.
but i really seem to struggle with the boredom thing.
and i'm wondering what i'm going to do with E all summer.
it takes a lot of energy to keep him engaged and the boys not fighting.
it means i will have less time/energy to devote to keeping myself sane and more time/energy devoted to keeping the boys entertained and happy all summer.
just thinking about it makes me tired.
maybe i am selfish. i must be.
i love my kids. but i do think it sometimes boring being a stay att home mom. i'm lucky. but bored too. kind of an odd combination i guess. but it is what it is.

some of this and some of that.

shopping for a new vacuum. our current one is so loud alexander runs and hides. my ears hurt...almost to the point i can't hear for a while after i'm done. it's sad.

i made myself work out today. even though i really really really did not want to. know how i motivated myself? i said, "this is what distinguishes those that really want to lose weight and those that just want to talk about losing weight." and i got my ass on that machine. and it sucked. but i did it. i have been so so so so so so tired the last three days. like falling asleep on my feet tired. even been going to bed earlier than normal. not much, but some. it's a start.

think alexander is getting sick again. poor little muffin. he seems to get hit by every cold that comes within a 100 foot radius.

we'll see how ethan is today. the last two nights he's had to go to bed early for bad behavior. hoping today is better.

making quesadillas for dinner. with guacamole. i'm having fat free tortillas and fat free cheese. yum. yeah....not so much. but i will splurge and have some guacamole (avocadoes, while good for you are not good in the points dept).

it's windy and sucky outside. ick. so glad i put gas in my car yesterday so i'm not out in the wind doing it today.

spent all freaking morning shopping for groceries. many of which are still sitting on the counter. yeah. i should get on that. i've got 20 minutes until alexander gets up at which time we have to go pick up E.

i have a lot to say.

but none of which i will say.
because i'm in a mood. lol.... i'm disgruntled. good damn thing i don't work for the post office.
i will say this:
i feel like eating ice cream. but i won't. i would hate to ruin that 40 minutes of sheer torture on the machine. did i mention i hate exercise?
now i'm going to watch deadliest catch. i dig that show. gotta love netflix.
still waiting for the rest of big love. i dig that show too.