three for three.

"Sunset"
i feel things deeply.
strongly.
passionately.
from looking at me from the outside, you would never know.
it's all going on...........inside.
sometimes so much so it overloads me.
shuts me down.
completely.
sometimes, however, it is a good thing.
a necessary thing.
it's just how i am.
it will never change.
and i wouldn't want to.
i've said all these things before.
i'm saying them again because they relate to this painting.
my third recent abstract.
it's bold.
messy.
powerful.
there are two things that make me feel.
instantly.
one is the ocean.
being on the beach.
the way it smells.
it makes me feel different.
it opens me.
the other is music.
sometimes i don't know how deeply affected by things i am until i hear certain words in a song.
the rhythm of a song can take me away.
music evokes STRONG emotion in me.
i had no idea what this painting would end up being when i started it.
i have to say, i was damn close to the zone.
i love how this painting turned out.
watching the sun set, being on the beach....
those two things are strong.
powerful.
to me.
almost every single time i paint i jam to tunes.
mostly DMB.
loud DMB.
it helps me not think.
which helps me paint.
the less i think the easier a painting is created.
fucking loving abstract.

two paintings in two days.

"Solitude"
another abstract piece.
the black is bold.
striking.
strong.
powerful.
yes strong and powerful are different.
serene.
i love being alone.
having time to think.
reflect.
to just, be.
to let your mind wander where it will.
this painting represents strength.
WANTING to be alone.
as a way to help replenish your soul.
to help clear your mind.
to try to find balance.
i will, i am sure, do a painting (maybe soon) which represents loneliness.
i have experienced a lot of that over the last year and a half.
not sure if i will stay in the yellow/black yellow/black/white theme...or if i will move on to different colors.
i really do love yellow and black together.
i love my studio.
it rains a lot here.
when i paint, i often paint with my windows open while the rain gently falls.
it's nice.
i like this painting.
it really does shout out strength and solitude (that which you crave/want/need).
not that by which you are forced into.
because your husband died.
and you are lonely.
loving abstract.
love love loving it.

feeling abstract.

finally.
a painting that left me feeling.
SOMETHING.
abstract.
full.
powerful.
last night, i sat, for a long time.
typing.
deleting.
ultimately posting nothing.
unable to figure out what the fuck is making me feel the way i am currently feeling.
too much inside my head at the same time.
too afraid to admit and acknowledge some of what is in there.
this painting is big. 36 x 30.

a couple of weeks ago i found a box.
full of photographs.
and keepsakes.
inside the box was this photo.
i took it when i lived in fort bragg, CA.
20 something years ago people.
i was young.
seriously.
like 12.
in the photographs from this time i really do look like i'm 12!
this is the trussell at pudding creek beach.
when i lived there, this was one of my favorite places to go.
after i moved away, i went back to fort bragg.
over and over.
it will always be one of my favorite places on this planet.
it's appropriate, i guess.
that i am posting this photograph, and the painting inspired by this photograph.
fort bragg (and mendocino, a little artsy village 7 miles south of fort bragg) is where james and i spent many of our anniversaries. my 19 year anniversary is in two days. i can hardly fucking believe it. may 26th. james and i would have been married for 19 years.
this painting is innocence.
the innocence of my youth.
when life was simple.
and fun.
and all about me.
full of parties, drinking.....
life was carefree.
and damn good.
time spent with a dude who was in the coast guard.
this painting also represents standing out.
standing alone.
not being afriad to be different.
to just be....who i am.
it is the first painting i have been truly excited about in MONTHS.
going to let it sit.
see how it feels.
but i'm thinking it's a done deal.

conflict.

i am constantly at conflict wtih myself.
i love my children.
yet i long for freedom.
to NOT be a parent.
struggled with this issue for years.
that's why i was going to thailand.
part of the reason, anyway.
one of the things that has been hardest for me is how hurt the boys have been by their father's death. fucking duh.
he was huge in their lives.
and now he is not present.
on a daily, in person kind of way.
now he is only memories.
it breaks my heart to see all the other father's at tball practice while alexander's is not.
i am there.
but james is not.
james coached for ethan.
and can't be there for zan.
THAT is the shit that kills me.
knowing what the boys are missing.
like tomorrow.
when ethan has to go on his field trip without me.
he wants me there.
but i cannot go.
the field trip is after alexander gets out of school.
kindergarten is short.
so E must go off.
without a parent.
which makes him sad.
it makes ME sad.
i cannot be in two places at once.
i am stretched too thin.
being everything to them.
all the time.
right now, sitting in front of the computer i can literally feel the stress in my neck.
and shoulders.
my head hurts.
part of it is being tired.
part of it is just the constant-ness of being a parent.
never getting to sleep in.
being the only one.
i laugh when i think about how hard i thought it was before james died.
cuz dude. that was nothing.
when bad things happen it sucks.
you figure it out.
step by step.
in the end, it's all about how you handle yourself.
to those who think i haven't 'sucked it up', or, dealt with my unhappy circumstances, i say this.
walk a mile in my shoes. THEN you can criticize me. until then, shut the fuck up.
that last part was directed at my father, you know, in case anyone was wondering.
he thinks i'm not doing this well.
which is funny.
he doesn't even know me.
or my children.
and hasn't been here for us.
a second email he sent me.
as hurtful as the first.
i choose not to respond.
because it is pointless.

things on my mind.

i have sat, and typed.
a few times in the last week.
then deleted everything.
currently filled with self-doubt.
working through it.
i saw a painting today.
a beautiful, raw, visceral painting.
an artist i have discovered.
with whom i am currently obsessed.
made me long to paint.
to really, truly create.
with feeling.
strong emotion.
if i could truly channel half of what i feel on the inside into my art.....
that would be amazing.
most of what i feel remains on the inside.
rarely shown on the outside.
my weekend was good.
but surreal.
filled with some of what i have been longing for.
yet at the same time soooo overwhelming.
i have felt disconnected today.
like i am living someone else's life, not my own.
weird.
and hard to explain.

*some* of the best things.

"rowboat"

painting i finished today.

love the perspective on this one.

the colors are dramatic.

unexpected.

i like that too.

some of the best things:

listening to it rain as i fall asleep.

taking a chance, believing in myself.....and painting.

not giving a fuck and speaking my mind when i am pissed.

hot hot hot coffee.

it seems to be therapeutic to me.

singing and grooving to tunes as i paint in my studio.

being so in to *that* moment.

feeling the music. inside.

letting it move my body. on the outside.

not thinking.

just painting.

walking away from a painting and coming back to it later.

with fresh eyes.

SO helpful.

jammin in my car as i drive.

being held by a man.

feeling his warm body and arms around me.