i figured it out.

unedited iPhone photo of a painting i finished today. "fishermen"
in person it needs to be viewed from about 5 feet away.
i am extremely lucky to have this life that i currently have.
went to coffee with bethany this morning.
then i went home and worked in my studio.
each and every day i will make some progress to make this all happen.

something has been bugging the crap out of me.
i've had this feeling.
this feeling that. just. wouldn't. go. away.
i finally figured it out.
i am afraid.
afraid of finding something good and having it go away.
afraid of losing it.
afriad it's not even there to begin with.
actually, i didn't 'just' figure this out.
i've known it for a while.
just wasn't willing to admit it to myself.
now that i have.......
i have to figure out what to do with this information.
cram it down, pack it in....way deep inside....like i do with all of the shit??
i'm thinking that's a pretty fucking good idea.

this post really isn't about him.

i find myself self-editing.
here, at my very own blog.
i'm not sure why this is.
okay. that's not right.
not so much self-editing, as being particularly careful about the things i talk about.
i'm not eloquent.
what i am is honest.
and open.
and i have chosen not to say much about patterson.
though i have thought a lot about him.
what attracted me to him.
what was good about him.
why we couldn't work.
he wanted to help me raise my boys. james' boys. our boys.
that, right there, is an amazing thing.
patterson came on hard and fast.
he could not grasp i needed slow.
he could not grasp where i am coming from.
a place of such deep sadness.
a place of pure hurt.
i have no better words to desribe it.
the kind of hurt and sadness that literally takes your breath away.
patterson didn't understand.
he didn't understand it was scary for me.
i don't think he is a bad man.
quite the contrary.
i think he is a good man.
i thought he might be slightly stalkerish.
after the first time i told him we couldn't work.
but ultimately, i think he was just misguided.
he was lonely.
so lonely he came on too hard and too fast.
i think he understands that now.
i understand what it is to be lonely.
i AM lonely.
i made him feel alive (his words, not mine).
he was falling in love with me (again, his words, not mine).
there were many things about patterson i liked.
but i couldn't say yes to him.
too many things weren't right.
but even so, i miss the idea of him.
i can't live my life like this forever.
i do things.
just do them.
think later.
though with him....i DIDN'T do that.
which was hard for me (even though i did so on purpose).
i think there will come a time when i won't be so willing to stop myself.
patterson wanted to get to know me.
to learn those little things.
he made me less lonely.
he wanted to be with me.
but patterson ultimately didn't get it.
it was too much about him.
even so, on nights, say, like last night.....
when i am feeling isolated, and lonely....
i still kick myself in the ass for sending him away.
for telling him no.
i question myself.
something i hate doing.
it's pointless.
this post really isn't about him.
it's about me.
standing up for myself, even if it means being sad, and a little bit lonely.
or even a lot lonely.
missing having someone i can call.
share things with on a daily basis.
missing someone i can text back and forth with.
in a playful way.
it's about me, knowing enough things weren't right.
and letting him go.
i could be spending every night with patterson.
but i am not.
and it was all my choice.
so today i am choosing to write about patterson.
hoping that i can let it completely go.
and quit kicking myself in the ass, questioning myself.
and yeah, i realize i didn't mention the boys in the kimberly/patterson equation.
that's an entirely different post all on its own.
i never EVER thought i would be single again.
i never EVER thought any dude would ask me out.
i never EVER thought i would have to deal with this issue in any way, shape or form.
i thought james and i would be married forever.
that we would raise our children together.
i think part of the reason i haven't posted about patterson much is the 'oh my god her husband died and she's already dating' shock factor.
but honestly people.
i have never EVER felt anything like this before.
and by this i mean james dying.....
it truly is THE most horrible thing that has ever happened to me.
coming from that place......
i do not apologize in any way, shape or form for any little bit of happiness that comes my way.
i know james would want that for me.

weior lfk amsdfklcsdf

last weekend i had a freakshow of a breakdown in the most inopportune place.
omg. seriously. WTF.
christine was here (which is a good thing).
she gave me a break and pretty much took care of the boys the entire time she was here.
then she left. sad face.
my little sobbing out of control eposide..........
i hate that shit.
but here's the thing.
i have been thinking A LOT about it.
i try hard to keep my emotion(s) to myself.
but last weekend, i just wasn't able to reign it in.
part of me wanted to just let it all out.
feel comforted. and safe.
part of me was very angry at myself for letting it happen.
i think it's weird that part of me is completely free and creative.
the other part of me is completely analytical, logical. almost anal. it's scary, really.
it seems a completely and totally weird combination.
i am always conflicted.
saw a boat in the river today.
actually turned my car around and parked in a very bad spot (almost got run over) just so i could take a photo with my iPhone.
it was instant inspiration.
it will be my next painting.
i haven't painted from a photograph in a long time.
it was weird, though, how i immediately turned my car around and went back.
i would bet i like the outcome of the painting.
it's the first time i've felt anything close to inspiration, well, since james died.

smells i love.

the smell of paint.
there is nothing like it.
coffee brewing.
bread baking.
bacon cooking.
rain.
my children after a shower.
before a shower?? not so much.
the ocean.
the smell of familiarity.
yes. there IS such a thing.
the way a man smells.
ties in to the familiarity thing.
his own distinct smell.
remnants of him on his clothes.
on you.
i notice time and time again how good it smells here.
i never ever want to take that for granted.
finished this painting today.
when i get my shit together, i will again open my etsy shop.
until then i will paint.
push myself.
remain focused.
i actually like this painting.
full of texture.
it is very me.
very my style.
this painting, and 3 boats will be among the pieces that go into my shop.
WHEN i'm ready.
not quite there yet.
who knows how long it will be.
but i am trying.
trying hard to get my shit together.
i am excited to see improvement in my work.
very excited.
may work on some smaller pieces (for variety) next.
if i can get closer to my groove.....
closer to really really really wanting to paint.
instead of still having to force myself.....
that would be really nice.

humans as conduits for extraordinary things.

iPhone photo of a painting i finished over the weekend.
inspired by my 'blue dot' painting.
which therapist dude purchased from me.
my paintings always are inspired by color.

i believe i have clear vision.

with respect to my art, anyway.

definitely not with respect to the rest of my trainwreck of a life.

it wasn't always that way.

it's hard to stand up for yourself.

for what you create.

you have to be strong in who you are.

i am growing as an artist.

evolving.

i look at some of my earlier paintings and some of my newest work.

i see improvement.

i am growing.

find out what you are TRULY capable of.

stay true to who you are.

i posted a side view of 3 boats a week or so ago.

here's a front on view.

i personally love this piece.

when you look at it from different angles, it changes.

it must be viewed from a distance.

it must be viewed with the right light.

in order to catch all the nuance.

this is the first painting i did after moving into the house.

the second one i did is posted above.

a third is currently on my easel.

trying.

my boys have new-found freedom.
they couldn't be happier about that.
playing outside (without me hovering over them).
never could have happened where we lived before.
going over to a friend's house.
and walking there, by themselves.
it's only one street over.
but that, also, would never have happened where we lived before.
one of my favorite things is listening to the rain.
how convenient i live in a place where it rains 68 inches a year.
almost a year and six months after james died.
my life is still extremely up and down.
but i do appreciate every good thing.
i still feel things deeply. strongly.
that can be good and bad.
but i wouldn't want to change it.
the good times that come my way?
i want to soak every single one of them up.
enjoy every single second while it is happening.
and not feel guilty for it.
i do feel a longing for something more in my life.
goes along with feeling things deeply.
not sure i am ready for it.
taking it as it comes.
i absolutely cannot think about the future.
i can focus on today. whatever it brings. happiness....happiness and sadness at the same time.
because yes. it IS possible to cry happy AND sad tears at the same time.
sometimes i feel overly bombarded by my own emotions.
that they are all coming at me too hard and fast.
it sort of shuts me down.
and then, eventually, i process....
it's all fucking exhausting that is for sure.
some things going on in my life that i have not blogged about.
and probably never will.
therapist dude once said to me, 'paint your emotions.'
i kept trying to explain to him that's not how it works.
i kept fighting him on that. but...but...no. LISTEN to me.
and then when i painted blue dot it occurred to me.
mother fucker! he was right.
i don't 'purposely' paint my emotions.
but when a painting is done there IS emotion behind it.
there is rawness.
i will be true to myself as an artist.
i will paint paintings that *I* like.
eventually, when i open my etsy shop again, and try to sell art locally....
my art will either sell.
or it won't.
but no matter what, i will be true to *me*.
not with the intent that 'oh, THIS one will sell for sure.'
because that's not how i roll.
i am again ramping myself up.
trying hard to get back into the groove of painting.
and having it flow easily.
i will tell you......james' death? seriously fucking jacked me up. duh.
it's been like nothing i have ever experienced before.
and honestly, unless you have experienced it, you really have no idea what it is truly like.
sadness. isolation. the amount of loneliness....never experienced anything like it.
but i don't intend to live my whole life this way.
i will always love james.
but i will also continue to live my life.
to raise our boys.
and eventually, hope to do so with as much passion and zest as i did before he died.