after having a house full for 8 days, now the house is quiet. and lonely again. i attempted to talk to the boys about our plans for the future. which include moving. and E was okay with it at first. but after a half an hour he came to me crying, telling me he doesn't want to move. so i eased his fears by telling him it's not something we're going to rush into. i know he feels security here in this house. that we shared with his daddy. but i also tried to explain to him that mommy doesn't like living here. that we wouldn't be leaving daddy behind (because he is inside our hearts and we have our memories of daddy). i don't think it really eased his fear. so then i told him if it happens, it's not going to be today, or tomorrow (kids are so literal)....that it's just something that we're thinking about. that we need to talk about.
on saturday night i went out with a friend of mine (someone i have known for many many years). he and i had a lot of fun. and it was nice. nice to not be a mom for a while. nice to just do something different. it was just fun. i stayed out until 6:30 am. christine and my mom were here with the boys and i had some freedom so i took advantage of it.
spending time with this friend was a trip. so many memories. it was just all good. i haven't had fun in a while. and it made me realize (now that everyone is gone and i'm back at being a mom 24/7/365) that i have to make some changes. i can't continue to go on in this existence (other than james not being here) our lives are the same. i was a stay at home mom before and i still am. at least for a while (i'm working out all our financial details as i can). don't get me wrong...our lives are not the same (i have no husband, the boys have no father)...but our lives are still the same. does that make sense? and now that i've stepped outside this new existence, and had some fun....i realize i need to make some changes. i guess i didn't realize how unhappy i was.
i mean of course i have been unhappy, my husband died. but it's been a couple of months....and i guess i have found a way to deal on a daily basis. just go about your day not feeling much of anything (except for occasional waves of complete and utter grief), always concentrating on the boys. and it wasn't until i spent some time away from the boys and focused a bit on myself that i realized how i have been living. for the first time since james died i felt a glimmer of hope......a bit excited. and omg it was so nice. and now that it's gone it makes me realize just how miserable i have been. and i need to find a way out. a way for me to survive. i do have to think about me. and not just the boys. and i think i. me. that I need to move. and that is big and scary. it's one more change for the boys. and i'm not sure if it's selfish or not. i have no objectivity. i just know that i feel like if i don't move my spirit will be crushed. i'm not sure if i will even feel any differently in a new place. but i'll never know if i don't go.
it's going to be a big step. i can't really contemplate packing up this entire house and moving everything by myself. but i think i need to do that. i have hated living here since i moved here. and why i moved here is another story entirely. the reason i stayed was james. now that he is not here, i think it is time for us to go.
which is scary. because we will be moving to a place (as of yet undetermined) where we will know no one. no one will be able to help us. we will more than likely be moving far away from family. right now my brother, christine and the boys are 2.5 hours away. it's not right next door but we do see each other (especially now that james isn't here).
so if we move, we will lose that. the boys love their cousins (and their time with their cousins and they would lose that). but there is a possibility to gain so much more. i want to live by the ocean. i need it. i have wanted to live by the ocean since i moved away from it 22 years ago. 22 effin years. i feel like i must make some decisions for myself. but also taking into consideration the boys' needs.
i have begun explaining what moving really means. a new school for E. packing up all our furniture (E seemed to think we would leave all our belongings here)....i am starting the process. i'm seriously contemplating putting the boys in the car on tuesday and driving west and north. but first i need to do a little research.
i am unsure of how to choose a place for us to live. but i know if i do nothing i will remain unhappy here. i am wholly responsible for the boys. but i also have to take care of me. do what is right for me so that i can have a chance at being happy. so that the boys can see that...and then i can take better care of them.
i have been thinking since james died that i have to take care of the boys. and i do. but i have just recently realized i also have to take care of me. and that may mean leaving this place. which is going to be so so hard on the boys.
a fresh place to live. a new start. it's scary. but i think it's what we're going to do. it means the boys won't see thier grandma anymore (james' mom). sounds like a big loss but really it's not. they don't see her that much now...she is pretty checked out and aloof anyway). she is still very very wrapped up in the sadness of losing her son. i'm not sure what to do to help her and it may be mean, but i have to focus on me and my children.
so i'm thinking. it may take a while to sell my house (especially with the way the housing market is). but if i don't even try it definitely won't sell. i'm not going to take E out of school (he needs what stability we have). so when this school year ends....we may be making some big changes.
i can paint anywhere. i can create greeting cards anywhere. so i can continue to built my etsy shop and figure out what it is i am going to do with my life.
all throughout writing this entry, E has been sitting here with me and we have been talking. and crying. he really doens't want to move. believe me, it is scary to me. so i can only imagine how scary it sounds to the boys. so once again i'm figuring out what it is that we are going to do.