Sunday, December 21, 2008

christmas is four days away.

i got through thanksgiving relatively well.
yes, it was hard. but i was so busy (haveing 18 people over will do that).
based on my reaction to thanksgiving i thought i would be able to get through christmas.
well, i'm getting through christmas...but i didn't think i would be as affected by it as i am.
all the in the last four's just been almost unbearable. i can't stop thinking about james when he died. about him being in the mortuary for so many days...about him having to have the defibrilator cut out of his body before he could be cremated. why does my mind go there? why do i see these images in my mind? why can't i stop thinking about them?

christmas was a special time for us.
i loved figuring out what to put in his stocking.
i waited with such anticipation to find out what he put in mine.
we had special stockings we exchanged between the two of us before the boys were even out of bed. it was just something special. for us. the stockings hang on the fireplace mantle and i look at them so many times a day. and it reminds me that james isn't here. it may sound strange, but sometimes i still can't believe he's dead. i can't believe i'll never see him again. be held by him. hold his hand. touch his face. kiss him. breathe in while i'm next to him...just take him in..smell him. feel him.

it's good to have family here. but it doesn't take away the sadness that i feel. it just makes me busier while i feel that sadness. i sort of feel like i'm on auto pilot again (which is how a felt right after james died). and it surprises me. i would think that i wouldn't go back to feeling that way. i know i am tired. that is a big part of it. i never thought a person could be this tired. i say that and then two weeks later i say holy crap. i never thought a person could be THIS tired. and i just seem to get more tired. i'm back to not sleeping. waking up and tossing and turning. going to bed late (because i've been busy) and having to get up early with the boys. makes me wonder how much the human body can tolerate. apparently it's quite a lot.

in the beginning of this christmas season i was less sad than i am now. i was able to enjoy a bit of shopping (me getting stocking stuffers for the boys). i enjoyed the smell of the tree in the family room. the beautiful decorations. but now all the joy seems to be gone. dramatic, i know. let me explain that. i smile, and laugh...and act like all is well. but it really is just going through the motions. i am not feeling happy or joyous right now. i should be. i have a lot to be thankful for (my boys...a home to live in)...but this year i just don't feel much of anything. except for sadness. maybe it's just because of christmas and me being so tired. i hope to find my way back to being positive. i am sure i will smile and enjoy watching the magic (when the boys come downstairs and see what santa left them). i hope to get back to being able to feel things again.


Leah said...

christmas will be a hard time always will be, but this year will be the hardest

it's ok to be sad, you have that've been through so much this past year

I'm sending out as much love and energy as I can...I wish I could come and help so you could take a nap!

mucho love

sausan said...

Big hugs from overseas. This feeling will never really leave you but it will become more bearable and remembering will not make you feel sad and empty any more but thankful that you have this to remember.
Sending good vibes

Noelani said...

One day you will wake up and remember him and it won't hurt as bad. One day you will remember hom and it will fill you with joy and love. It takes time. It will hurt. And in my thoughts it is good that it hurts becuase that shows how much love and happiness you shared together. You will always miss him it will just hurt less eventually.

sending you love and prayers of strength from so far away.

L said...

Hey Gurl,
I feel ya! Christmas is REALLY hard, especially the first one. I think it's because it's a time when loved ones and family are really celebrated, so it makes us real, real sad, missing 'em more, than even on regular days. Your body and mind are just plain ol' tired. Just thinkin' and thinkin' and moving and acting, for the boys...I feel ya, I really do. You're in my thoughts every day and I pray that you receive the comfort you need. Love ya much!

Melissa said...

This being the first Christmas, will be the hardest. I'll pray that you find some peace and comfort during all of this.



april said...

Let Christ in. Let him carry you through this storm. He is waiting for your invitation.

I have been thinking of you. Hoping you are surrounded by loved ones. Merry Christmas dear friend. Merry Christmas.

jensmack said...

Its going to take a long time for those images to dull in your mind..I don't think they'll ever truly go away. I wish they would for me too. I try to think of all the happy times with my mom, but instead I am brought back to her last days. It does force me to think harder about her in a good way. It will get better as time goes on, though he will never be far from your thoughts.

Sometimes when the kids are having trouble going to sleep or they keep getting out of bed, I tell them to "pretend to sleep." Sometimes I know that I pretend to "be okay" ~ evevntually I will be. And so will you.

Much love.

Misty said...

Oh Kimberly. You are on my mind all of the time. I still just wish I could help you...somehow take the pain away, if only for an instant, so you could have some peace.
Merry Christmas. James may not be there this Christmas, but he will always be there in spirit, especially through the boys.
Much Love.

clare b said...

Love and light from me to you. Will be thinking of you.

Patrice~ said...

Kimberly, this holiday season is naturally going to be an emotional roller coaster ride.
however, you sound like you've found a way to run in survivor mode. and sometimes that's just what you'll find yourself doing, especially during holiday seasons.

my family is painfully dysfunctional, but just having people around me - to include my family! - during Christmas is distracting. in rather a good way. well, it works for me, anyway.

peace and hugs, dear friend.
Merry Christmas.

~Amie~ said...

sending you some huge hugs Kimberly. Give it time, it will get easier. I continue to think of you and I am amazed at the strength you have- you are amazing!

Lisa said...

Kimberly, I would worry about you if you weren't sad.
And I wish I had some magic to sprinkle on you so you would sleep a deep restful sleep.
I am thinking of you constantly and wrapping you in huge hugs.