Wednesday, December 03, 2008

a painting.

some really remarkable people have been reading my blog. i say that because some of you have left me amazing comments. well...not some.....ALL of you who have left comments are amazing. i thank you. i want to say first, to those that have told me they find me inspiring, i am wow'd by that. i don't see me, picking up the pieces of our lives and going on to be in any way remarkable or inspiring. there just is nothing else TO do. but i want to thank each and every person who comes here and leaves comments. i read them all. i appreciate them all.

i painted. this is not the first thing i have painted since james died. the first two i threw in the trash. this one i'm not absolutely in love with. but i needed a place to start. and this is it. it's very henri matisse inspired. this is what i did today while E was in schol and alexander was resting. i listened to trans-siberian orchestra and painted. i didn't think about anything. i just focused on paint. and color. and nothing else. painting makes my heart race. it makes me feel alive. i can take a deep breath when i paint. and i felt a little bit of that today. i also felt empty. it's hard to describe those conflicting feelings....feeling them all at the same time. i know james would be happy that i painted. i am happy that i painted. i have been afraid i would never be able to paint again. i'm not even sure why i painted this particular piece. i had nothing in mind when i started. this is just what happened. i started....and when i was done, this is what i had created. i love that about painting. i just never know what's going to happen until it happens. at some point i hope to put some pieces back in my etsy shop. i'm going to turn some of my paintings into greeting cards as well and add those to my shop. not sure when, but i'm going to work on it. slowly. i hope.

i have been doing a lot of thinking. it occurred to me yesterday that what i do from here forward is a choice. i can choose to be sad, not get out of basically give up. or i can choose to live. well, i can't chose the give up option. i chose the other option. i choose to go on, make things the best they can be for the boys. i am sad. oh yes i am. especially the last three days. not even sure why but the last three days have sucked. so bad. they just have. but they are just days that suck. i know, in the end, i must choose to do what i can to go on with my life. to make it meaningful. to somehow fill up this emptiness. i walked upstairs to the loft today and thought to myself, 'why do i feel so bad?! i mean, i just feel horrible.' my shoulders hurt. my head hurt. i just crap. then it occurred to me. this new reality. that's why i was feeling that way. i can't just magically get over james. that just won't happen. and i will have good days and bad days. i just need to make a conscious effort to come out of this in the long run.

i thought that if it were me that died, and left james with the boys, i would really want him to go on. and to ultimately build a new life. to do what he could for the boys. that really is what i would want. now i'm not saying i'm going to do that in the next week, month or even year. but i am making a choice to try to be positive, to be happy for the years we had with james and just go from there.

it's funny that i can 'want' to be positive but then today, just break down on and off all day for absolutely no reason. i miss james so much. i really wanted to call him this morning. but couldn't. and it just hit me. again. like it does over and over again. it's the strangest thing. sometimes i actually expect james to come home. then i realize. holy crap. what was i thinking?! he's not coming home! but it's weird. it's like he's so in my heart that i just keep expecting him to come home. i know he's not going to. i'm not living in denial. i wish i was, but i'm not. it's just a strange surreal feeling i've been having lately. sort of like flashbacks. i think about when i first goto to the ER and saw him. i think about what he must have gone through during all the tests they did on him. they did SO many. i just think. all the time. and often wonder what i could have done differently. what i should have done differently. but most of all, i just miss james.


Violet said...

What a beautiful post. I love the part about choosing because it's something that time has taught me as well.

Our lives are what we make them with the cards that we've been delt. You've just been delt a very crappy hand, and now is your time to shine (even if you can only manage to just twinkle or kinda flicker). God (or whom ever you believe in) gave you this because he knew you could handle it and now it's time for him (and James!) to watch you play it out. Choose to do the best you can with what you've got. Choose to keep James alive through memories and traditions and happiness. You can do it, girl... and we're here to help!<3 <3 <3

Noelani said...

what a great post!

I think that choosing to go on, to move forward, and to keep trying is what it is about. I know from watching others who have lived a similar experience to yours that once they chose to go forward life was a little better. Those who couldn't chose yet had a longer and harder time.

I am glad you chose to move forward. James loves you and wants you to be happy too. Just remember that.

Kari said...

I've been waiting and waiting to see a painting appear and I'm so happy to see you back at it and hear (read) that it made you feel alive. Your tone has changed so much and I can read your posts without holding my breath--I hope that means that you are breathing as well.
It is a choice, to be alive, and I can't imagine how difficult it is to choose that and move on, but you will. You are. And you will be creative--I can't wait to see more.

Michelle Springer said...

You know I love your paintings. I am so glad that you are painting again!

Misty said...

It's beautiful Kimberly.

Anonymous said...

a healing...wonderful work. Peace....

~Amie~ said...

I love your painting Kimberly! and so happy to see you create something. I thought of you when I saw a beautiful Matisse at the Van Gogh museum in amsterdam :)
always thinking of you- hugs!

Robyn said...

YOU PAINTED...good for you!! At the icing on the cake is that it's beautiful!

Cari said...

I'm so happy to see a happy.

clare b said...

Your painting is beautiful Kimberly. I admire those like yourself that can channel their creativity into paint and canvas. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know that even through your heartbreak you are touching other peoples lives. I do not know you, have never met you. I just stumbled upon your blog one day not long after James died. I think it was a greater power that led me to your blog.

After reading your posts I find my self appreciating my husband and our life more than ever before. Not that I did not appreciate him before, but now when he keeps me awake at night snoring or does some other little thing that annoys me, I realize just how lucky I am to have that annoyance.

I actually smile in the dark now when he is snoring beside me in bed. Glad that he is in my life and here with my me and our 2 girls. I can't imagine how empty my life would be without him.

Your experience and loss has caused me to reevalute how lucky I am to have my husband. I hope that does not sound like I am bragging on how lucky I am. I honestly want to thank you for causing me to stop and reflect and be thankful for what I have.

I know God and James are watching over you and your boys. It will not stop hurting or get any easier any time soon, but slowly things will start to get a little easier. You and your boys will never forget James. He will live on in your hearts and memories forever. He will be your special guardian angel.

May God keep his hand on your family and help you to heal.

Sherri P eh said...

Kimberly, your painting is beautiful and what it symbolizes, even more so. You still have that gift, your talent. Fabulous.

april said...

I'm just so glad you are painting. Beauty out = Beauty in.

Melanie said...

I just want to tell you that I have reading your posts and everything you say is OKAY. Everything you feel is OKAY. Everything that you do is OKAY. Just don't beat yourself up on the bad days or the good days. There will be both as you already know. When you are down please try to celebrate the years that you had with James and not just think about the day he died. My cousins wife died of brain cancer at 41 years old and he was left with 2 young kids and a teenager but almost two years later he is moving on and things do come together. You have much support from your blog 'friends' and your family. Use it. Just keep writing and taking one day at a time:)

Michelle T said...

I too found your blog not to long ago and I check it often. Even though I don't know you, you are a great source of inspiration to me, as my own husband was diagnosed with IHSS as a child and he had a heart transplant 20 years ago at 24years old. Now we are facing a kidney transplant and we have 2 young children. I just admire how you handle yourself with strenght and courage. I also admire how you encourage your boys to express their feelings. Again, you are a true inspiration to me.

Lynette said... happy to see you painting again! Keep it is good for your soul I can tell!!!

You really are inspiring. I know you don't see it...but YOU TRULY ARE!!! I am awed by you and all that you are doing!

Please know that you are loved!!!

Hels said...

For a long time now I have visited your blog. Your heartfelt, gutsy, raw and honest words never fail to inspire me not to take each moment for granted. I believe that this is just a new fork in your tree of life. Yes an unwanted, uncomfortable and at times sad fork, but you are making our lives richer for saying what you do. Violet is right, we are all here for you in spirit, holding your hands as only cybermates can. Be strong, and take it one leaf at a time. Your painting shows strength and courage.

Leah said...

love the painting...but I really that you painted!

Lisa said...

A part of you died
a large part when James passed. And I do mean passed, not died.
Because I believe his essence lives on in you and the boys and works its way into your everyday life and yes, even your art.
And another part is being reborn
Part of you and part of James and I have to believe he is pleased and
and so am I
this painting
it makes my heart happy
Love you girl

Lynn said...

You've inspired me and impressed me, for a long, long time. I am in awe of your talent, your passion, and most of all your courage! James is smiling and nodding, I'm sure, as he sees you continue to blossom and grow. I think you're a great mom and I know ya'll will be alright! Thank you for letting us be part of your life, during this time. Hugs to you all!

Carrie K said...

you...painting again...makes me smile

baby steps'll make it back to the light

love love love you!

Patrice~ said...

a beautiful starting place.
and a beautiful painting.
I think it's ok
to feel alive.
and empty, all at the same time.
you've never been
down this road before.
and you show incredible
strength and clarity as you
grieve and breathe and live.
peace, strong woman.
hugs of warmth and peace to you.

jensmack said...

He's definitely in your heart which is why you miss him so much. He's also there to help you get through each day... for you and the boys.

I'm sending lots of love to you.