some really remarkable people have been reading my blog. i say that because some of you have left me amazing comments. well...not some.....ALL of you who have left comments are amazing. i thank you. i want to say first, to those that have told me they find me inspiring, i am wow'd by that. i don't see me, picking up the pieces of our lives and going on to be in any way remarkable or inspiring. there just is nothing else TO do. but i want to thank each and every person who comes here and leaves comments. i read them all. i appreciate them all.
i painted. this is not the first thing i have painted since james died. the first two i threw in the trash. this one i'm not absolutely in love with. but i needed a place to start. and this is it. it's very henri matisse inspired. this is what i did today while E was in schol and alexander was resting. i listened to trans-siberian orchestra and painted. i didn't think about anything. i just focused on paint. and color. and nothing else. painting makes my heart race. it makes me feel alive. i can take a deep breath when i paint. and i felt a little bit of that today. i also felt empty. it's hard to describe those conflicting feelings....feeling them all at the same time. i know james would be happy that i painted. i am happy that i painted. i have been afraid i would never be able to paint again. i'm not even sure why i painted this particular piece. i had nothing in mind when i started. this is just what happened. i started....and when i was done, this is what i had created. i love that about painting. i just never know what's going to happen until it happens. at some point i hope to put some pieces back in my etsy shop. i'm going to turn some of my paintings into greeting cards as well and add those to my shop. not sure when, but i'm going to work on it. slowly. i hope.
i have been doing a lot of thinking. it occurred to me yesterday that what i do from here forward is a choice. i can choose to be sad, not get out of bed....to basically give up. or i can choose to live. well, i can't chose the give up option. i chose the other option. i choose to go on, make things the best they can be for the boys. i am sad. oh yes i am. especially the last three days. not even sure why but the last three days have sucked. so bad. they just have. but they are just days that suck. i know, in the end, i must choose to do what i can to go on with my life. to make it meaningful. to somehow fill up this emptiness. i walked upstairs to the loft today and thought to myself, 'why do i feel so bad?! i mean, i just feel horrible.' my shoulders hurt. my head hurt. i just felt......well....like crap. then it occurred to me. this new reality. that's why i was feeling that way. i can't just magically get over james. that just won't happen. and i will have good days and bad days. i just need to make a conscious effort to come out of this in the long run.
i thought that if it were me that died, and left james with the boys, i would really want him to go on. and to ultimately build a new life. to do what he could for the boys. that really is what i would want. now i'm not saying i'm going to do that in the next week, month or even year. but i am making a choice to try to be positive, to be happy for the years we had with james and just go from there.
it's funny that i can 'want' to be positive but then today, just break down on and off all day for absolutely no reason. i miss james so much. i really wanted to call him this morning. but couldn't. and it just hit me. again. like it does over and over again. it's the strangest thing. sometimes i actually expect james to come home. then i realize. holy crap. what was i thinking?! he's not coming home! but it's weird. it's like he's so in my heart that i just keep expecting him to come home. i know he's not going to. i'm not living in denial. i wish i was, but i'm not. it's just a strange surreal feeling i've been having lately. sort of like flashbacks. i think about when i first goto to the ER and saw him. i think about what he must have gone through during all the tests they did on him. they did SO many. i just think. all the time. and often wonder what i could have done differently. what i should have done differently. but most of all, i just miss james.