Monday, November 10, 2008

the gipsy kings.

i had been meaning to get into james' truck and gather up all his cd's. he had many. he had such an eclictic taste in music. from growly scare the crap out of you stuff to classical to the beastie boys to the gipsy kings. one of his favorites was me first and the gimme gimme's. one time i got into his truck (with the boys) we were going somewhere together and he had a gipsy kings cd playing. i loved it. and from now until the end of time i will think of james every time i hear one of their songs. so today i got james' cd's out of his truck and put my favorite gipsy kings cd into my car and listened to it. i had a busy busy weekend. so busy, in fact, i didn't even have time to really even feel and deal with the many emotions i was experiencing. but when i put the gipsy kings cd into my car when i went to pick E up from they all came out. like they are now as i sit here and type. yes, i am listening to the gipsy kings. it's beautiful music. it makes me sad (and happy) and miss james all at the same time. so hard to explain. right now, right this second, i miss james with every fiber of my being.

should my brother read this, i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you did for us (for james) this weekend. the rock wall looks beautiful. engraving a rock is the perfect touch. thank you for coming. thank you for staying three nights when i know you only planned on staying one. thank you for putting the play structure together. thank you for the advice on the sand. ordering it today was the right thing to do. the boys are both so excited about their new backyard. it is coming together. a bit at a time. but we'll get there. i think james would be happy. especially because it was you that finished the retaining wall. and put the play structure together. that you have been spending time with us. it means more to me than i can ever actually say to your face. because you know....i'm not good at communicating. and that made me chuckle out loud.

this past weekend was pretty amazing. neighbors, family, friends of james, co-workers of james all coming together to complete some of the projects james had started in the backyard but wasn't able to finish. my dad and his wife, their generosity in buying the play structure and all the lumber and other materials needed to frame and complete the huge-ass sand box. i have never seen such a big sandbox in my life and the boys couldn't be happier. and this is what james wanted. and what i want. so thank you to every single person who gave up your day on saturday to spend it in my backyard. it was truly amazing to see people come together like they did. why does it take such a tragic event to make it happen?

i find that when i get overwhelmed it's best to tell myself this: i'm going to do this. i just am. it's been 32 days. and it seems like a lifetime. this new existence is so different from the old (yet still the same just with a great big hole) if that makes any sense. the boys miss james. i miss james. james is glaringly absent. but we are getting through it. we will get through tomorrow. and the next day. and the next.


erin said...

hi there.
i cannot recall how i found your blog. i'm so so sorry for you and your family's loss. truly my heart goes out to you. i will keep you and your boys in our prayers.

Clare said...

Kimberly - I'm so pleased to hear about your 'garden make-over'..How blessed you are to have so many people caring about you and your boys... I too love the Gypsy Kings.. they are fantastic and fun. Thinking of you.

~Amie~ said...

Hey Kimberly
your backyard sounds wonderful! I bet your boys love it and will for many years.
I'm always thinking about you, feel free to email me anytime, ok?

Misty said...

xoxo-Your backyard sounds absolutely wonderful. You three are surrounded by a ton of love.
I love the pictures of James that you are putting up with every new post. When I think of James, I picture him in his safety glasses making salsa. That was one of the first times I had ever seen him, and it is how I will always remember him.

Anonymous said...

ohh, how beautiful everyone came together to help. the yard sounds awesome and i'm sure will be a wonderful place for the boys. so glad you had some family there this weekend. big love x

Kari said...

Happy for you and your boys to have such an amazing place to play. And friends and family around to hold you close and take good care of you. Take pictures . . . I want to see.

Anonymous said...

You amaze me with your strength. Every one of your posts leaves me sat here crying. Crying for you and your boys, and crying thinking that I don't know what I would do if I was in your situation. I haven't left a comment before as I just don't know what to say. I don't know you, but I feel so sad for you. Everyday I check your blog and think of you. Sending you love, from Kathryn X

Ingrid said...

i'm so proud of you for pushing forward each and every day - for not giving up or giving in, for being so incredibly strong!

much love,

Kristy said...

You write things that make me ache for you and your family and yet somehow fill me with hope for even my future. I read this man's blog, he recently lost his wife. I provide the link here in hopes that it will help you.

Anonymous said...

There's lots of love coming from Melbourne, Australia to you.
xxx Christina

Lisa said...

Wow. It sounds like that backyard project was a catharsis...for a lot of people. I like to think James was there, sitting on the rock wall that your brother finished, and the playset that your father and step mom ponied up for and smiling and jamming to Gypsy Kings and watching the pieces of healing fall into place.

Patrice~ said...


Marieke said...

Yeah, what Lisa said.
So powerful K.
What a tribute to a wonderful man, husband and father.
And secretly breathing a huge sigh of relief for you. You know why.
Much love.

Rebecca vavic said...

Hiya Kimberly
The photos of James are beautiful.
I love the one of him and your son on the beach.... magic.
I feel for you all, especially for your boys... I feel for you and your feelings of inadequacy of trying to comfort your son as you also deal with your own life adjusting grief.
At the same time you are also demonstrating remarkable strength and courage in sharing your story.

I sit at my computer... over here in Australia and I shed a tear for you and your boys... and I feel totally inadequate in even making a comment.

I know tho that words and love sent across our oceans, even by strangers can have a comforting effect...

I send my love and hugs, I hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

tara whitney said...

that is such a great photo of james. i want to take photos while its snowing now!

the backyard make over makes me want to jump up and down for you. how FUN that must have been for the boys, and you, to have everyone there.


Tami said...

i haven't posted but i have been reading, the gypsy kings...i haven't heard them in awhile...each time i do now, i will think of you and wishes

pakosta said...

I am so happy that you have such a sweet brother and that he is able to help you out when you most need it....both your boys and you are in my prayers.

jensmack said...

I am so happy to hear that your friends and family finished those projects... that was an amazing gesture of love and support! It gave me goosebumps!

I think you're amazing too, btw.

Claire said...

Kimberly, I found your blog through Tara Whitney's. My heart breaks for you and your little ones. My grandfather shared a piece of wisdom with me last year when my granny was dying. He put his hand on my shoulder and said to me "grief is the price we pay for love". Such a simple statement but also so powerful. Grieving is such an important part of life....i just hope that one day you can be happy again.

Aida Haron, Singapore said...

Kimberly I am so sorry to read about James, Marieke brought me into the loop. There are no words anyone can write that will bring you much comfort, but believe me when I say your strength, your honesty in this sadness is remarkable.