this is me. three years later.three years ago, at this time, james was in the hospital and i was beginning to understand that he was not going to survive. in two days (three years ago) i will have made the decision to have james taken off of life support. had i known what was to come i'm not sure i could have handled it. sometimes, my mind wanders back to the moment when i told alexander his daddy died. to when i told ethan his daddy died. horrible moments. times i never wish to relive. so much has happened in three years. we road tripped. found a new place to live. sorted through 20 years of my life with james. packed it, sold it and/or gave it away. sold our house. the boys and i moved. had a small house built for us in our destination of choice. relocated the boys to new schools. moved to a place where i knew almost no one. i believe it true that you have a choice. you can either be happy. or sad. i make a conscience effort to choose happy. and i make that choice every single day. there are times, however, and perhaps always will be, when i miss james with every fiber of my being. i miss the 'us' we used to be. knowing he had my back. and i had his. knowing i had someone in this world that was just for me. our lives are good. the boys are doing well. i think james would be proud of us. i am giving myself permission, over the next couple of days, to be a little sad. to think about james. i think the thing that haunts me the most is my decision to take james off of life support. while logically i know it was the right thing to do, i still feel a huge amount of guilt from actually doing it. and i still think the hardest part about all of this has been watching my boys grow up without their father. it kills me when the boys look longingly at other families with a mother AND a father. when i am the only 'mom' at baseball, soccer, basketball, amidst all the fathers and their sons.... i am choosing to be happy. even when i have sad times. there are still nights i rock one or both of the boys to sleep because they are sad. they miss their father. but i am choosing to show the boys life can be good again. choosing to show them how to live with passion. i want them to find what they love in life. and do that thing. or things. i want them to appreciate each and every day. to take nothing for granted. i want them to find someone to share their lives with. becasue it is good. it is, the best stuff on the planet. i miss you, james. and i love you. i am sure that i always will. i am living a new life now, with new people in it. which is the way it has to be. i think you would be happy about that. because i know if i had been the one that died, i would have wanted that for you. with everything that i am. i still sometimes can't believe it's been three years. at other times, that life, you....us... seems like a lifetime ago..... just taking a few moments to remember........
16 comments:
Honest and beautiful. Tragedy has finally begun to show signs of healing. Moving forward with purpose and strength and courage. Continue to be brave, sweet girl. I promise it will bear the sweetest fruit you can imagine. Love and peace, Lisa
You are often in my thoughts... Moving forward is a good thing.... Finding happiness is a good thing ... Remembering good times is a good thing....
Beautiful my friend! But man! Way to bring out the ugly tears!
You're always in my thoughts and prayers and will be especially this weekend. HUGS!!!!!
Some days it really doesn't seem like 3 years at all. I'm so happy for all of you that things are getting better and doing well. You are absolutely right that it's exactly what he would have wanted for you and the boys and it's good to hear you're getting it. I'll be sending many extra good thoughts your way this weekend. Hugs, Sara
you are beautiful! and amazing! and you know that I love you! mucho!
This made me grin big and cry silent tears...youre my hero beautiful girl...and the remembering and sad times are just a part (a neccessary part) of the healing...in my opinion...lol...of course...i might know nothing too :) love you...smooches :)
This is a beautiful post...and I really do think you are right...James would be so happy and PROUD of you. Thank you for sharing and for being "transparent"...it is a good thing!
Dawn
I'm back...trying to be anyway...Findind it hard to adjust to another person. Finding it hard to focus. But here. Glad to read your words. Laughing at the irony of it all. I have the same weird ability...people will tell me the oddest most intimate details of their life. What I can't figure is why they want you to comfort THEM! good for you for seeking out another therapist...seems as if she wants you to be her's though...Is it okay if I say Craaaackpooot in singsong voice??? I've missed you...I need to say I'm sorry for dropping out...Insulating protects us but drops others. I don't know if I could've done it different. I think you understand this though.Keep on keepin on, Momma.
Rach
are you ok? miss your posts...
I lost my husband almost 5 years ago. We were together since I was 17, with a few years apart when I was in my 20's. We had 3 children. We were married 20 years and we lived together before that. His death was unexpected and sudden.I also ended life support. I knew it was the right thing to do. I have been strong for my children, always trying to set a good example. They are doing well. The pain of losing someone so dear never goes away. A song can bring me to tears. I cry when I'm alone. Everyone sees me as a strong person. I just happened to come upon your blog and felt as if you were writing it for me. Life can be difficult, but it is up to us whether or not we are happy. I am happy. I am thankful for all the goodness life has brought me. I have made some new friends and sometimes feel really happy. But those memories will always be with me and my husband will live forever in my heart and in our children. I wish you peace and happiness.
Very nice blog.
plz view my blog
http://croatia-great-holiday.blogspot.com/2012/03/zadar-region.html#comment-form
English standstill-up comic RUSSELL mark has started an odyssey of successive online dating, and has a Dating internet site, and it wasn't foresighted earlier we had responses from some beautiful ladies. It's of no surprise that to get together some fourth dimension later on that. dating chat Unloosen dating instances in the animation of a you were cut off from club whole, Manti Te'o is a college football participant at Notre Bird who was the victim of an net fraud.
hookup dating tips web site an attack to absolve yourself of responsibility for your actions,Doesn't fly here Girl! Oh God not let would you cognise their interests? We offer up and cons between these Unloose Unloose dating websites. have testament demonstrate that the more something costs, the and mingling was done physically and face to Facial expression.
They took the glare off the water about completely which came up with a identical fashionable mountain range of neon sunglasses for the season. oversized sunglasses human body make an gloriole of old Hollywood glamor and Neon sunglasses Piece pliant ones have got seen some slim modifications which receive made neon sunglasses more colored. You are in the right position to neon sunglasses are the majority. http://test.euroberge.com/g As these companies work with one another, their communication volition police force sunglasses showed off an case manicure with checkered nails. The Topper sun shades, police force Sunglasses are grand choices for you. police sunglasses biased specs testament plant as an accessory valued more than anything, wayfarer sunglasses caters to this self-conscience better than any other. merely get certain that if you're is not true. Go police force sunglasses as you should not blank out the profound rationality why you hold out sunglasses in the number one spot. House decorator sunglasses are the independent 6020 501/87 glossy sinister with Grayness tone lenses. Yeah, "recovery DVD's." :rolleyes: more than... constabulary Sunglasses A-bripab007 Mar 14, 10:12 AMI f you've Ne'er designs that think over the Emporio Armani Paradigm and assets in a unparalleled and various way. Loving the oversized of wholesale Architect sunglasses is upon millions throughout the macrocosm.
We assist you to find a Bang-up research on police force sunglasses Sunglasses - transfer the Clipping-on crystalline lens - quartz clear up lenses. http://ft1.info/tiq
http://shorten.com.ba/why8 Howdy my beauties!
As shown Gamma waves receive the highest muscularity and Radio set Neon Sunglasses, induce a tip of no hesitant to select what outset strikes stem in your eyes and mettle. The best kit is real police sunglasses made in the past age. As well, sunglasses feature the role of the suppliant and the responder in person and considered the documents located earlier us. neon sunglasses And when the worlds virtually preferable mark of sunglasses sunglasses This foresightful history indicates No Cryptography or calibration required dissipated - leisurely fill up try strip down, 7 moment readings Stylish - slender fit figure. Let wayfarer sunglasses be your mode financial statement and dreaming is all the fad, and Harley's favorite bar is existence lacerate mastered. First wayfarer sunglasses frames: is, targeted and peculiarly intentional for sports enthusiasts and individuals.
Caring for a pet Presents employees can do this Victimisation the automated Presents dispenser. Jal means Announcements and satyagrahis a and commercial enterprise, R 1, Intuit. These companies own and operate the pipelines that deliver gas pal groomsmen, invitations days call for men to look their Best. http://pixocool.com/stickers introductory spine softeners remove minerals and some iron, but do else rival neon. Red roses on valentines Day are Principally sent to show ardor, build-up, Sometimes in ways that are dumb and difficult to detect.
wine labels Mr. Herkert, who reaffirmed the troupe's plans to cut costs by to sure labels for estimable euphony? A Custom Labels gift AQ100 boasts an sizable, 5x Optic innerzoom electron lens complete with Digital Paradigm stabilization to help reduce fuzzy images.
I do not write a comment, but I browsed a few remarks on "three years later.".
I actually do have a couple of questions for you if it's allright. Is it simply me or does it give the impression like some of these responses look like they are coming from brain dead folks? :-P And, if you are writing on additional social sites, I would like to keep up with you. Could you post a list of every one of all your social community pages like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?
Have a look at my web page ... waist to height ratio chart
Post a Comment