cut the crap.

i like doing weird things to photos.
i think it makes them more interesting.
i also think it's a way for me to hide.
you can only see me in the way *I* want you to.
you get to see the manipulated photo.
not the original untouched version.
something is happening to me.
and it's scaring the crap out of me.
written word is easier for me.
i'm not that great at face to face 'real' talking.
you know, the kind filled with emotion.
the difficult kind.
but gimme a computer and i can whip up an email that is straight to the point.
direct.
i say few words.
but the words i choose say a lot.
i personally think that's powerful.
SO much easier when i'm not face to face with someone.
i'm saying this because when james first died, i said and did a lot of things that i otherwise would not have.
i decided to cut the crap.
that life is too short.
so now, i pretty much (even though sometimes it is excruciatingly paintul to ME)....
even so...i say what i think.
and i mean what i say.
but.
i am finding myself full of fear.
finding myself NOT able to fully act in the way that i want to.
because what i want to do requires opening myself up.
and i'm not sure i am ready for that.

took a little trip to seattle.

took a little trip to seattle.
in my short skirt.
knee high socks.
high boots.
and bad ass faux fir collar'd jacket.
it was damn nice.
did what *I* wanted to do.
wasn't a mom.
slept in.
enjoyed every second.
except for the part where i got a little bit drunk.
one night.
i sometimes wonder wtf comes over me.
should have made some small adjustments.
and then let the evening carry on.
but i didn't.
which i'm angry at myself about.
that is not like me.
i think i have a hard time reconciling who i am as just me.
vs. the person i always am, which is ethan and alexander's mother.
it's like i forget who i am...like i'm not sure who to be, exactly.
because i'm not used to NOT being with the boys.
when i get time away, i'm sort of feeling my way through it.
trying to remember who i am.
not doing a very good job.
went to pike place market.
it was awesome.
ate some fresh, hot doughnuts.
so good.
walked around and looked at everything.
ate some crab.
enjoyed the way it smelled.
enjoyed being able to look at what i wanted to see.
all the flowers were amazing.
SO beautiful.
bought THE ugliest bag i could find.
it's felted wool but looks like a big 70's shag rug.
it fucking rocks.
did the tourist thing.
and enjoyed it.
because i didn't have kids to keep track of.
and yell at.
this photo will somehow translate into a painting.
at some point.
the composition, colors...texture...
it will turn into something.
just not sure exactly what yet.
had a mini breakdown inside starbucks.
where i purchased myself a nice iced latte.
and stared out the window while thinking about the good things in my life.
i was scared.
and happy.
at the same time.
scared, because i was having a great weekend.
happy, because i was having a great weekend.
a little sad, too, i suppose because, well, i still get sad sometimes.
for no apparent reason.
one of the views from the top of the space needle.
come on.
it had to be done.
i was in seattle!
it was a good trip.
i still haven't quite learned how to completely let go of worrying about the boys when they aren't with me.
but i also really really didn't want the weekend to end.
because i loved having kid-free time.
i am always always always full of conflict.
it was nice to get home, and see the boys.
but damn. it was a fine weekend.
nice to be away.
and out doing something.
just being me.

i've gone brunette. er.

gave my iPhone to E today.
he took these as we were walking in to zan's school for his parent/teacher conf today.
first off, i've gone brunette(er).
darkened my color.
made it richer.
still not used to it.
also chopped it.
again.
i've had this nagging feeling ALL day.
finally figured out what it is.
first off, alexander was in a play at school today.
so i went.
it is THE shit that makes me saddest.
that james isn't here for these things.
because if he were alive, he would have been.
just reminds me, again, what is missing from the boys' lives.
that's how the morning started.
later in the day we went back to zan's school for his parent/teacher conference.
again, something james would have been present for.
so tonight, i sat, thinking.
feeling like something huge is missing from my life.
well, duh.
aside from the obvious, i realized i have no one to talk to about zan's conference.
james and i would have talked about it.
later.
after the boys were in bed.
just sort of mulled it over......
talked about zan's level in reading, how just like his father he is in this area, and any areas he might be struggling with.
zan's progress is really only something *I* care about.
zan is *MY* child.
it just makes me sad zan didn't have two parents watching him in the play.
two parents present for the parent/teacher conf.
i don't want the boys to grow up *wishing* things had been different.
i guess i can't stop that from happening.
they are always going to wish their father was still alive.
i just see the kids who have no parent show up.
and i am sure that hurts the child.
yes, zan has me.
but still....it's not what it would have been if james was still alive.
i am the only one to share in his triumphs.
or to worry about him in any way.
to be there to help him.
i just have had this feeling, more so today, than usual, that there is something hugely missing from my life.
i can only imagine how the boys feel.
they aren't capable of connecting their feelings to the proper words that go with them.
so we can talk about them.
they struggle silently.
at least i can write about it.
leave it here.
i happen to love the photo ethan took of me and zan. zan and me? too lazy.
it's classic alexander.
he's cute. adorable, actually.
and funny.
and mischevious. but in a good way. MOST of the time.
i wish more than anything that james was here to watch him grow up.
to see the changes in him.
they are huge.