an art journal page.

i haven't worked in my art journal in months.
MONTHS.
close to a year.
maybe it even HAS been a year.
it was slow.
which is fine.
i was thinking.
it is important to me that my art journal pages be accurate.
true.
that they reflect what i was feeling in a given moment.
even though it's not always pretty.
journaling:
i have a strong sense of who i am. i am confident in and comfortable with who i am. there have been, however, two events that have caused me to question and re-evaluate myself. becoming a mother. and james' death. being a mom is something i struggle with. not all aspects of it. mostly the amount of energy and focus it takes. james' death shook me to my core. it took everything i knew to be true, away. but i know this. the core of who i am remains true. i will not be defined by outside forces. i am who *I* choose to be.

things that have been on my mind.

in my studio 1.12.11.
painting i am working on behind me.

alexander.
he's been having trouble at school.
the loss of his father affects him on a daily basis.
had a meeting today with zan's teacher and the school counselor.

as soon as i feel like we're able to put some of the shit behind us, begin to have a life NOT all about james' death, something seems to happen to bring it front and center again. when will this stop.

i have not been able to find the balance between helping the boys remember their father while at the same time i try to let him go. he is not my present. alexander has been sad, because he is beginning to forget things about james. i try to tell them stories, show them pictures...to help them remember. and to learn things they didn't even know to begin with. but this is hard for me. i am ready to let this be my past. i NEED it to be so i can live in the present.

the loss of my friendship with jan. who knew that my moving away would end what i *thought* was an important relationship. nothing i can do about it but let it go. i'm just having trouble doing that.

the amount of time and energy it takes to be a GOOD parent. i am fucking exhausted.

there is a *thing*. it has become important in my life. how this happened i'm not even sure. but it has. i think i have been doing everything i can to NOT acknowledge it. but something happened this weekend that forced me to. i am not unhappy about it. just wasn't expecting it. it was the sort of realization that came with a sharp intake of breath, the holding of that breath and finally, exhaling that breath out. and saying something to the effect of "holy fucking shit." if i would just listen to myself, from the beginning, instead of fighting myself.....things would be a whole lot easier. i guess i just wasn't ready.

i think for me, the thing that most drains me is the constant 24/7 of being a parent. a single parent. i think that is the thing that has been the hardest for me since james died. that and, of course, watching the boys deal with their sadness. nothing makes you feel worse than when your child is hurt in some way and you can do nothing to fix it.

judgment. so much judgment. which leaves me feeling isolated. i talk to few. and those that i talk to, well, lets just say i am very selective about what i say. i keep many things to myself. which is the exact thing i have told alexander over and over NOT to do. i sometimes wish i didn't have to do this.

my lack of focus. fear of fucking up my art. i just really really really want that completely, wholly alive feeling to come back while i paint. i miss it.