seattle.

took a quick trip to seattle.
up on monday.
home on tuesday.
on my list of things to do....
pike fish market.
james and i never made it there together.
i wish we would have.
feeling overwhelmed.
i have sat and typed.
and deleted.
and typed.
and deleted.
can't get it all straight.
i just think it's time to let go of some of the shit.
so i can get out from under it.
i have been so filled with want and need to talk about james lately.
and i'm not sure why.
why now?
i get so completely filled with sadness about what the boys don't have in their lives.
but i can't discuss that here.
god how i wish i could immerse myself in painting.
or art journaling.
but once again, i feel 100% uninspired.
a complete and total lack of artistic energy.
i sure am going to be pissed when i piss away this time that i have and have nothing to show for it, aren't i.
scared shitless about something.
yeah. one more thing i can't talk about here.
i shake my head at that.
i know how to fix it.
just pisses me off that i have to.
so i have done nothing.
and posted very little.

blog posts should not have titles.

it bothers me that i miss being part of an 'us'.
why can't i just suck it back in, take it back to the level it used to be (before james) and be happy with it just being me.
and not an us.
i am down with spending time by myself.
i don't like to paint when people are around.
i guess i'm just figuring out that i also like knowing there is someone for me to be with when i am ready.
when i want it.
it REALLY bothers me that i miss being part of an us.
i guess i thought i was more independent than that.
maybe i see wanting someone to hold me as a sign of weakness.
it's almost sad to me, that not much seems to phase me.
i'm not surprised when things don't go the way i thought they were going to go.
i'm not surprised when people say they will do things and they don't.
i'm also starting to get pissed off that i can't say what i really want to say here.
this blog is my journal.
yet i'm having to edit myself.
which totally pisses me off.
time to start a new blog??
thinking about it.

4th of july 2008, 2009 and 2010

ethan
july 4, 2010
just look at his face.
he was truly excited and happy.


i was thinking, as i was driving home from the beach last night, about my past july 4th festivities.

2008 brought bob and elizabeth to town.
james and the boys and i went to lake tahoe with dan, jan, rachael, bob and elizabeth.
rachael soaked james with a bucket full of water as he was laying on the beach.
not to worry.
he got her back later.
a nice dinner and hanging at our house.
then later we made the trek to rancho san rafael park to watch the fireworks.
it involved a long walk to/from our car up and down a steep hill.
it was the first time i truly became scared and acknowledged that james was, in fact, getting worse.
he couldn't make the walk.
he eventually made it, telling me to take the boys on up ahead.
he didn't want them to miss any of the fireworks.
bob and elizabeth stayed with james.
and walked slowly.
very slowly.
fireworks were nice.
but for me, over-shadowed by the fear and worry that james was no longer able to walk that distance.
it was three months later that james died.

4th of july 2009 found the boys and i sick with the flu.
all three of us.
at the same time.
puking.
it was fucking miserable.
we didn't go anywhere.
or do anything.
we were supposed to spend the 4th with my brother and his kids in california.
but yeah...that didn't happen.


fast forward to 2010.
began the day by discussing with the boys what the 4th of july represents.
surprisingly enough, they had no idea.
i want them to know about the declaration of independence, who wrote it....the true meaning, not just that it's a holiday, we blow shit up and bbq food.
that is part of it....and i'm fine with that, as long as they understand the root of why we do what we do.
we live in a beautiful, small coastal town.
i bought fireworks.
that's a first for me.
they aren't allowed where we used to live.
so i was excited that the boys would have this experience.
we met up with a friend in the morning for the parade.
then later in the day met up with another friend for a beach bonfire, good food, and of course...the setting off of a hell of a lot of fireworks!
i heard ethan say, "this is the best 4th of july ever!"
with supervision and help the boys set off their very first fireworks.
and they couldn't have been more happy.
i, personally, had a really nice time.
tons of people all up and down the beach with bonfires, lighting fireworks...pretty damn cool.
these ordinary, gee, this sure is nice kind of day/moments....
they ARE how you're supposed to feel.
this IS it.
acknowledge it.
fucking breathe it in.
it felt good to be where i was.
it was when the boys were asleep in the car as i drove home that i became sad.
and scared.
happy, sad and scared at the same time.
happy to have had such a nice day.
sad because i miss james, and i know the boys miss their father.
think i better add guilty to that list.
i felt guilty because i had a nice 4th.
and i feel like i shouldn't be having 'nice' times.
times that almost feel normal.
if i could just completely let go of my past and get on with it.
i know it's okay...more than that....that i should have happiness in my life....it's all just very convaluted and confusing.
scared....well...i was scared because i felt a little bit of happy.
i am scared to feel good.
because i know how much it hurts when that good goes away.

things.

i always drive with my window down.
even when it's raining.
i can't stop eating organic animal crackers from costco.
i read magazines from back to front.
if there's an article i want to read i read it.
then continue back to front.
haven't painted in almost two weeks.
that's a product of the boys being out of school for the summer.
i read somewhere, can't remember where, that if you let go of what you 'think' your life should be, and just let it be what it is, you'll be a lot happier.
good advice.
really missing having someone to live this life with.
to share things with.
to call.
text.
email.
hold hands with.
cuddle up next to and sleep with.
missing that person to talk to about things.
to have meaningful conversation with.
to talk about nothing with.
it's so weird to say, for ME to say....since i like spending time by myself....
i really miss being part of something. part of 'us'.
while i am strong, and can stand up for myself, and by myself.....
it was nice knowing someone was there for me.
when i needed him.
and even when i didn't.

small pieces.

be true to yourself.

say what you mean.

mean what you say.

do what you say you are going to do.

always.

believe in things.

strongly.

support the things that REALLY mean something to you.

but nothing else.

this painting is called 'small pieces'.

more of my sunset over water series.

yet another abstract.

passion is important.

i am truly passionate about art.

creating art.

looking at art.

if people cannot appreciate you for what you are, who you are, they don't need to be in your life.

each one of us is unique.

and important.

don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

ever.

stand strong in who you are.

1 day down. 87 to go.

turbulent, heavy, hopeful.

another abstract.

when i painted this (a couple of days ago), life was feeling very turbulent.

heavy.

and hopeful.

all at the same time.

sunset over the water.

it's dark.

and light.

with an edge.

all at the same time.

which is what i wanted it to be.

being thankful, and mindful of who is in my life and what we have.

self portrait!

self portrait.
first one i've ever done.
i could never do portraits on a regular basis.
not my thing.
but every artist should have at least one self portrait.
wanted to do something different.
something completely opposite from what i've been doing.
to free my mind.
to give myself different focus for a bit.
i especially like how you can see the stud in my nose. heh.
i have art journaled for a long long time.
art journaling is giving yourself freedom to paint. whatever.
pair that with however you're feeling at the time?
lay down those feelings, all that strong emotion.
words.
the power of words.
AND paint.
it can be powerful stuff.
i often put photographs of myself on my art journal pages.
mostly because looking at photographs of myself helps me figure out exactly what it was i was feeling at the time the photo was taken.
it helps me sort through the crap.
a self portrait??
that is a whole nother matter.
i look at this painting and i'm almost startled.
it's like....WHAM. there i am.
a big huge me on a canvas.
that is some scary shit!
i have been looking at this painting.
looking at the woman. me.
trying to figure out what this painting says.
i think it says only this.
here i am.
this is me.
THIS is who i am.

painting i finished yesterday.

"Raw"

this painting, to me, is raw.

another abstract.

it's messy.

edgy.

and raw.

it's almost visceral.
again, i have typed.

and typed.

and deleted.

it's almost as if what used to help me....

figuring shit out.

here.

on my blog......

has stopped working for me.

my words no longer seem powerful.

or meaningful.

it's like i am disconnected.

still having a hard time adjusting to it just being me. and the boys.

james' death left a huge hole in our lives.

and i haven't quite figured out how to fill up all that empty space.

three for three.

"Sunset"
i feel things deeply.
strongly.
passionately.
from looking at me from the outside, you would never know.
it's all going on...........inside.
sometimes so much so it overloads me.
shuts me down.
completely.
sometimes, however, it is a good thing.
a necessary thing.
it's just how i am.
it will never change.
and i wouldn't want to.
i've said all these things before.
i'm saying them again because they relate to this painting.
my third recent abstract.
it's bold.
messy.
powerful.
there are two things that make me feel.
instantly.
one is the ocean.
being on the beach.
the way it smells.
it makes me feel different.
it opens me.
the other is music.
sometimes i don't know how deeply affected by things i am until i hear certain words in a song.
the rhythm of a song can take me away.
music evokes STRONG emotion in me.
i had no idea what this painting would end up being when i started it.
i have to say, i was damn close to the zone.
i love how this painting turned out.
watching the sun set, being on the beach....
those two things are strong.
powerful.
to me.
almost every single time i paint i jam to tunes.
mostly DMB.
loud DMB.
it helps me not think.
which helps me paint.
the less i think the easier a painting is created.
fucking loving abstract.

two paintings in two days.

"Solitude"
another abstract piece.
the black is bold.
striking.
strong.
powerful.
yes strong and powerful are different.
serene.
i love being alone.
having time to think.
reflect.
to just, be.
to let your mind wander where it will.
this painting represents strength.
WANTING to be alone.
as a way to help replenish your soul.
to help clear your mind.
to try to find balance.
i will, i am sure, do a painting (maybe soon) which represents loneliness.
i have experienced a lot of that over the last year and a half.
not sure if i will stay in the yellow/black yellow/black/white theme...or if i will move on to different colors.
i really do love yellow and black together.
i love my studio.
it rains a lot here.
when i paint, i often paint with my windows open while the rain gently falls.
it's nice.
i like this painting.
it really does shout out strength and solitude (that which you crave/want/need).
not that by which you are forced into.
because your husband died.
and you are lonely.
loving abstract.
love love loving it.

feeling abstract.

finally.
a painting that left me feeling.
SOMETHING.
abstract.
full.
powerful.
last night, i sat, for a long time.
typing.
deleting.
ultimately posting nothing.
unable to figure out what the fuck is making me feel the way i am currently feeling.
too much inside my head at the same time.
too afraid to admit and acknowledge some of what is in there.
this painting is big. 36 x 30.

a couple of weeks ago i found a box.
full of photographs.
and keepsakes.
inside the box was this photo.
i took it when i lived in fort bragg, CA.
20 something years ago people.
i was young.
seriously.
like 12.
in the photographs from this time i really do look like i'm 12!
this is the trussell at pudding creek beach.
when i lived there, this was one of my favorite places to go.
after i moved away, i went back to fort bragg.
over and over.
it will always be one of my favorite places on this planet.
it's appropriate, i guess.
that i am posting this photograph, and the painting inspired by this photograph.
fort bragg (and mendocino, a little artsy village 7 miles south of fort bragg) is where james and i spent many of our anniversaries. my 19 year anniversary is in two days. i can hardly fucking believe it. may 26th. james and i would have been married for 19 years.
this painting is innocence.
the innocence of my youth.
when life was simple.
and fun.
and all about me.
full of parties, drinking.....
life was carefree.
and damn good.
time spent with a dude who was in the coast guard.
this painting also represents standing out.
standing alone.
not being afriad to be different.
to just be....who i am.
it is the first painting i have been truly excited about in MONTHS.
going to let it sit.
see how it feels.
but i'm thinking it's a done deal.

conflict.

i am constantly at conflict wtih myself.
i love my children.
yet i long for freedom.
to NOT be a parent.
struggled with this issue for years.
that's why i was going to thailand.
part of the reason, anyway.
one of the things that has been hardest for me is how hurt the boys have been by their father's death. fucking duh.
he was huge in their lives.
and now he is not present.
on a daily, in person kind of way.
now he is only memories.
it breaks my heart to see all the other father's at tball practice while alexander's is not.
i am there.
but james is not.
james coached for ethan.
and can't be there for zan.
THAT is the shit that kills me.
knowing what the boys are missing.
like tomorrow.
when ethan has to go on his field trip without me.
he wants me there.
but i cannot go.
the field trip is after alexander gets out of school.
kindergarten is short.
so E must go off.
without a parent.
which makes him sad.
it makes ME sad.
i cannot be in two places at once.
i am stretched too thin.
being everything to them.
all the time.
right now, sitting in front of the computer i can literally feel the stress in my neck.
and shoulders.
my head hurts.
part of it is being tired.
part of it is just the constant-ness of being a parent.
never getting to sleep in.
being the only one.
i laugh when i think about how hard i thought it was before james died.
cuz dude. that was nothing.
when bad things happen it sucks.
you figure it out.
step by step.
in the end, it's all about how you handle yourself.
to those who think i haven't 'sucked it up', or, dealt with my unhappy circumstances, i say this.
walk a mile in my shoes. THEN you can criticize me. until then, shut the fuck up.
that last part was directed at my father, you know, in case anyone was wondering.
he thinks i'm not doing this well.
which is funny.
he doesn't even know me.
or my children.
and hasn't been here for us.
a second email he sent me.
as hurtful as the first.
i choose not to respond.
because it is pointless.

things on my mind.

i have sat, and typed.
a few times in the last week.
then deleted everything.
currently filled with self-doubt.
working through it.
i saw a painting today.
a beautiful, raw, visceral painting.
an artist i have discovered.
with whom i am currently obsessed.
made me long to paint.
to really, truly create.
with feeling.
strong emotion.
if i could truly channel half of what i feel on the inside into my art.....
that would be amazing.
most of what i feel remains on the inside.
rarely shown on the outside.
my weekend was good.
but surreal.
filled with some of what i have been longing for.
yet at the same time soooo overwhelming.
i have felt disconnected today.
like i am living someone else's life, not my own.
weird.
and hard to explain.

*some* of the best things.

"rowboat"

painting i finished today.

love the perspective on this one.

the colors are dramatic.

unexpected.

i like that too.

some of the best things:

listening to it rain as i fall asleep.

taking a chance, believing in myself.....and painting.

not giving a fuck and speaking my mind when i am pissed.

hot hot hot coffee.

it seems to be therapeutic to me.

singing and grooving to tunes as i paint in my studio.

being so in to *that* moment.

feeling the music. inside.

letting it move my body. on the outside.

not thinking.

just painting.

walking away from a painting and coming back to it later.

with fresh eyes.

SO helpful.

jammin in my car as i drive.

being held by a man.

feeling his warm body and arms around me.

i figured it out.

unedited iPhone photo of a painting i finished today. "fishermen"
in person it needs to be viewed from about 5 feet away.
i am extremely lucky to have this life that i currently have.
went to coffee with bethany this morning.
then i went home and worked in my studio.
each and every day i will make some progress to make this all happen.

something has been bugging the crap out of me.
i've had this feeling.
this feeling that. just. wouldn't. go. away.
i finally figured it out.
i am afraid.
afraid of finding something good and having it go away.
afraid of losing it.
afriad it's not even there to begin with.
actually, i didn't 'just' figure this out.
i've known it for a while.
just wasn't willing to admit it to myself.
now that i have.......
i have to figure out what to do with this information.
cram it down, pack it in....way deep inside....like i do with all of the shit??
i'm thinking that's a pretty fucking good idea.

this post really isn't about him.

i find myself self-editing.
here, at my very own blog.
i'm not sure why this is.
okay. that's not right.
not so much self-editing, as being particularly careful about the things i talk about.
i'm not eloquent.
what i am is honest.
and open.
and i have chosen not to say much about patterson.
though i have thought a lot about him.
what attracted me to him.
what was good about him.
why we couldn't work.
he wanted to help me raise my boys. james' boys. our boys.
that, right there, is an amazing thing.
patterson came on hard and fast.
he could not grasp i needed slow.
he could not grasp where i am coming from.
a place of such deep sadness.
a place of pure hurt.
i have no better words to desribe it.
the kind of hurt and sadness that literally takes your breath away.
patterson didn't understand.
he didn't understand it was scary for me.
i don't think he is a bad man.
quite the contrary.
i think he is a good man.
i thought he might be slightly stalkerish.
after the first time i told him we couldn't work.
but ultimately, i think he was just misguided.
he was lonely.
so lonely he came on too hard and too fast.
i think he understands that now.
i understand what it is to be lonely.
i AM lonely.
i made him feel alive (his words, not mine).
he was falling in love with me (again, his words, not mine).
there were many things about patterson i liked.
but i couldn't say yes to him.
too many things weren't right.
but even so, i miss the idea of him.
i can't live my life like this forever.
i do things.
just do them.
think later.
though with him....i DIDN'T do that.
which was hard for me (even though i did so on purpose).
i think there will come a time when i won't be so willing to stop myself.
patterson wanted to get to know me.
to learn those little things.
he made me less lonely.
he wanted to be with me.
but patterson ultimately didn't get it.
it was too much about him.
even so, on nights, say, like last night.....
when i am feeling isolated, and lonely....
i still kick myself in the ass for sending him away.
for telling him no.
i question myself.
something i hate doing.
it's pointless.
this post really isn't about him.
it's about me.
standing up for myself, even if it means being sad, and a little bit lonely.
or even a lot lonely.
missing having someone i can call.
share things with on a daily basis.
missing someone i can text back and forth with.
in a playful way.
it's about me, knowing enough things weren't right.
and letting him go.
i could be spending every night with patterson.
but i am not.
and it was all my choice.
so today i am choosing to write about patterson.
hoping that i can let it completely go.
and quit kicking myself in the ass, questioning myself.
and yeah, i realize i didn't mention the boys in the kimberly/patterson equation.
that's an entirely different post all on its own.
i never EVER thought i would be single again.
i never EVER thought any dude would ask me out.
i never EVER thought i would have to deal with this issue in any way, shape or form.
i thought james and i would be married forever.
that we would raise our children together.
i think part of the reason i haven't posted about patterson much is the 'oh my god her husband died and she's already dating' shock factor.
but honestly people.
i have never EVER felt anything like this before.
and by this i mean james dying.....
it truly is THE most horrible thing that has ever happened to me.
coming from that place......
i do not apologize in any way, shape or form for any little bit of happiness that comes my way.
i know james would want that for me.

weior lfk amsdfklcsdf

last weekend i had a freakshow of a breakdown in the most inopportune place.
omg. seriously. WTF.
christine was here (which is a good thing).
she gave me a break and pretty much took care of the boys the entire time she was here.
then she left. sad face.
my little sobbing out of control eposide..........
i hate that shit.
but here's the thing.
i have been thinking A LOT about it.
i try hard to keep my emotion(s) to myself.
but last weekend, i just wasn't able to reign it in.
part of me wanted to just let it all out.
feel comforted. and safe.
part of me was very angry at myself for letting it happen.
i think it's weird that part of me is completely free and creative.
the other part of me is completely analytical, logical. almost anal. it's scary, really.
it seems a completely and totally weird combination.
i am always conflicted.
saw a boat in the river today.
actually turned my car around and parked in a very bad spot (almost got run over) just so i could take a photo with my iPhone.
it was instant inspiration.
it will be my next painting.
i haven't painted from a photograph in a long time.
it was weird, though, how i immediately turned my car around and went back.
i would bet i like the outcome of the painting.
it's the first time i've felt anything close to inspiration, well, since james died.

smells i love.

the smell of paint.
there is nothing like it.
coffee brewing.
bread baking.
bacon cooking.
rain.
my children after a shower.
before a shower?? not so much.
the ocean.
the smell of familiarity.
yes. there IS such a thing.
the way a man smells.
ties in to the familiarity thing.
his own distinct smell.
remnants of him on his clothes.
on you.
i notice time and time again how good it smells here.
i never ever want to take that for granted.
finished this painting today.
when i get my shit together, i will again open my etsy shop.
until then i will paint.
push myself.
remain focused.
i actually like this painting.
full of texture.
it is very me.
very my style.
this painting, and 3 boats will be among the pieces that go into my shop.
WHEN i'm ready.
not quite there yet.
who knows how long it will be.
but i am trying.
trying hard to get my shit together.
i am excited to see improvement in my work.
very excited.
may work on some smaller pieces (for variety) next.
if i can get closer to my groove.....
closer to really really really wanting to paint.
instead of still having to force myself.....
that would be really nice.

humans as conduits for extraordinary things.

iPhone photo of a painting i finished over the weekend.
inspired by my 'blue dot' painting.
which therapist dude purchased from me.
my paintings always are inspired by color.

i believe i have clear vision.

with respect to my art, anyway.

definitely not with respect to the rest of my trainwreck of a life.

it wasn't always that way.

it's hard to stand up for yourself.

for what you create.

you have to be strong in who you are.

i am growing as an artist.

evolving.

i look at some of my earlier paintings and some of my newest work.

i see improvement.

i am growing.

find out what you are TRULY capable of.

stay true to who you are.

i posted a side view of 3 boats a week or so ago.

here's a front on view.

i personally love this piece.

when you look at it from different angles, it changes.

it must be viewed from a distance.

it must be viewed with the right light.

in order to catch all the nuance.

this is the first painting i did after moving into the house.

the second one i did is posted above.

a third is currently on my easel.

trying.

my boys have new-found freedom.
they couldn't be happier about that.
playing outside (without me hovering over them).
never could have happened where we lived before.
going over to a friend's house.
and walking there, by themselves.
it's only one street over.
but that, also, would never have happened where we lived before.
one of my favorite things is listening to the rain.
how convenient i live in a place where it rains 68 inches a year.
almost a year and six months after james died.
my life is still extremely up and down.
but i do appreciate every good thing.
i still feel things deeply. strongly.
that can be good and bad.
but i wouldn't want to change it.
the good times that come my way?
i want to soak every single one of them up.
enjoy every single second while it is happening.
and not feel guilty for it.
i do feel a longing for something more in my life.
goes along with feeling things deeply.
not sure i am ready for it.
taking it as it comes.
i absolutely cannot think about the future.
i can focus on today. whatever it brings. happiness....happiness and sadness at the same time.
because yes. it IS possible to cry happy AND sad tears at the same time.
sometimes i feel overly bombarded by my own emotions.
that they are all coming at me too hard and fast.
it sort of shuts me down.
and then, eventually, i process....
it's all fucking exhausting that is for sure.
some things going on in my life that i have not blogged about.
and probably never will.
therapist dude once said to me, 'paint your emotions.'
i kept trying to explain to him that's not how it works.
i kept fighting him on that. but...but...no. LISTEN to me.
and then when i painted blue dot it occurred to me.
mother fucker! he was right.
i don't 'purposely' paint my emotions.
but when a painting is done there IS emotion behind it.
there is rawness.
i will be true to myself as an artist.
i will paint paintings that *I* like.
eventually, when i open my etsy shop again, and try to sell art locally....
my art will either sell.
or it won't.
but no matter what, i will be true to *me*.
not with the intent that 'oh, THIS one will sell for sure.'
because that's not how i roll.
i am again ramping myself up.
trying hard to get back into the groove of painting.
and having it flow easily.
i will tell you......james' death? seriously fucking jacked me up. duh.
it's been like nothing i have ever experienced before.
and honestly, unless you have experienced it, you really have no idea what it is truly like.
sadness. isolation. the amount of loneliness....never experienced anything like it.
but i don't intend to live my whole life this way.
i will always love james.
but i will also continue to live my life.
to raise our boys.
and eventually, hope to do so with as much passion and zest as i did before he died.