4th of july 2008, 2009 and 2010

ethan
july 4, 2010
just look at his face.
he was truly excited and happy.


i was thinking, as i was driving home from the beach last night, about my past july 4th festivities.

2008 brought bob and elizabeth to town.
james and the boys and i went to lake tahoe with dan, jan, rachael, bob and elizabeth.
rachael soaked james with a bucket full of water as he was laying on the beach.
not to worry.
he got her back later.
a nice dinner and hanging at our house.
then later we made the trek to rancho san rafael park to watch the fireworks.
it involved a long walk to/from our car up and down a steep hill.
it was the first time i truly became scared and acknowledged that james was, in fact, getting worse.
he couldn't make the walk.
he eventually made it, telling me to take the boys on up ahead.
he didn't want them to miss any of the fireworks.
bob and elizabeth stayed with james.
and walked slowly.
very slowly.
fireworks were nice.
but for me, over-shadowed by the fear and worry that james was no longer able to walk that distance.
it was three months later that james died.

4th of july 2009 found the boys and i sick with the flu.
all three of us.
at the same time.
puking.
it was fucking miserable.
we didn't go anywhere.
or do anything.
we were supposed to spend the 4th with my brother and his kids in california.
but yeah...that didn't happen.


fast forward to 2010.
began the day by discussing with the boys what the 4th of july represents.
surprisingly enough, they had no idea.
i want them to know about the declaration of independence, who wrote it....the true meaning, not just that it's a holiday, we blow shit up and bbq food.
that is part of it....and i'm fine with that, as long as they understand the root of why we do what we do.
we live in a beautiful, small coastal town.
i bought fireworks.
that's a first for me.
they aren't allowed where we used to live.
so i was excited that the boys would have this experience.
we met up with a friend in the morning for the parade.
then later in the day met up with another friend for a beach bonfire, good food, and of course...the setting off of a hell of a lot of fireworks!
i heard ethan say, "this is the best 4th of july ever!"
with supervision and help the boys set off their very first fireworks.
and they couldn't have been more happy.
i, personally, had a really nice time.
tons of people all up and down the beach with bonfires, lighting fireworks...pretty damn cool.
these ordinary, gee, this sure is nice kind of day/moments....
they ARE how you're supposed to feel.
this IS it.
acknowledge it.
fucking breathe it in.
it felt good to be where i was.
it was when the boys were asleep in the car as i drove home that i became sad.
and scared.
happy, sad and scared at the same time.
happy to have had such a nice day.
sad because i miss james, and i know the boys miss their father.
think i better add guilty to that list.
i felt guilty because i had a nice 4th.
and i feel like i shouldn't be having 'nice' times.
times that almost feel normal.
if i could just completely let go of my past and get on with it.
i know it's okay...more than that....that i should have happiness in my life....it's all just very convaluted and confusing.
scared....well...i was scared because i felt a little bit of happy.
i am scared to feel good.
because i know how much it hurts when that good goes away.