trying.

my boys have new-found freedom.
they couldn't be happier about that.
playing outside (without me hovering over them).
never could have happened where we lived before.
going over to a friend's house.
and walking there, by themselves.
it's only one street over.
but that, also, would never have happened where we lived before.
one of my favorite things is listening to the rain.
how convenient i live in a place where it rains 68 inches a year.
almost a year and six months after james died.
my life is still extremely up and down.
but i do appreciate every good thing.
i still feel things deeply. strongly.
that can be good and bad.
but i wouldn't want to change it.
the good times that come my way?
i want to soak every single one of them up.
enjoy every single second while it is happening.
and not feel guilty for it.
i do feel a longing for something more in my life.
goes along with feeling things deeply.
not sure i am ready for it.
taking it as it comes.
i absolutely cannot think about the future.
i can focus on today. whatever it brings. happiness....happiness and sadness at the same time.
because yes. it IS possible to cry happy AND sad tears at the same time.
sometimes i feel overly bombarded by my own emotions.
that they are all coming at me too hard and fast.
it sort of shuts me down.
and then, eventually, i process....
it's all fucking exhausting that is for sure.
some things going on in my life that i have not blogged about.
and probably never will.
therapist dude once said to me, 'paint your emotions.'
i kept trying to explain to him that's not how it works.
i kept fighting him on that. but...but...no. LISTEN to me.
and then when i painted blue dot it occurred to me.
mother fucker! he was right.
i don't 'purposely' paint my emotions.
but when a painting is done there IS emotion behind it.
there is rawness.
i will be true to myself as an artist.
i will paint paintings that *I* like.
eventually, when i open my etsy shop again, and try to sell art locally....
my art will either sell.
or it won't.
but no matter what, i will be true to *me*.
not with the intent that 'oh, THIS one will sell for sure.'
because that's not how i roll.
i am again ramping myself up.
trying hard to get back into the groove of painting.
and having it flow easily.
i will tell you......james' death? seriously fucking jacked me up. duh.
it's been like nothing i have ever experienced before.
and honestly, unless you have experienced it, you really have no idea what it is truly like.
sadness. isolation. the amount of loneliness....never experienced anything like it.
but i don't intend to live my whole life this way.
i will always love james.
but i will also continue to live my life.
to raise our boys.
and eventually, hope to do so with as much passion and zest as i did before he died.