grief.

this post may not make much sense.

at least to someone else.

everyone grieves differently.

i do believe that to be true.

for me, at first, i couldn't grieve at all.

i was in too much shock.

my body went on auto pilot.

i cared for the boys.

did the things you do.

planned a service.

talked to E's teacher so she knew his father died.

so she would understand his behavior at school.

so began our life without james.

i would be overcome by severe and take your breath away emptiness.

throw up.

again and again.

a sadness i had not experienced before.

then i would go back on auto pilot for a while.

it was my body and mind's way of saying...whoa....that's a little too much there.

too much to handle.

too much to process.

there were so many stages of grief.

i am still grieving.

yet at this point, it doesn't take over my life.

at times, yes.

but not in an on-going holy fucking crap i can't breathe kind of way.

i can now talk about james.

and smile while doing it.

course, i'm sad too, but i can laugh, and think back fondly.

i can also, look back at photos, laugh AND cry at the same time.

happiness from the memories and sadness that there will never be more like them.

that include james.

why did i choose to post this particular photo you might wonder.

it's the last photograph of alexander and his father together.

alexander is four in the photo.

it was taken on september 1, 2008.

james died 5 weeks after this photo was taken.

it was a spur of the moment decision to take the boys miniature golfing that day.

alexander looks so young.

he seems so big to me now.

like a completely different kid now.

so grown up compared to how he looked in this photo.

here's the thing i'm most sad about (regarding my relationship with james).

i appreciated him when he was alive.

oh, you bet your ass i did.

i knew what a good man he was.

i knew it from the moment i met him.

but, what i didn't know....what i didn't FULLY realize, until james was gone.....

i didn't really appreciate him enough.

i didn't relish (is that even the right word) in us laying naked together.

when we were together, just the two of us (boys asleep or whatever)....there always seemed like there was something else we should be doing.

not just laying together, enjoying each other.

oh how wrong i was.

i appreciated the man he was.

the father he was.

yes, he had flaws.

we all do.

but i KNEW in the depths of my soul he was good.

and meant for me.

because he was.

and i wish, oh how i wish i would have just enjoyed HIM.

his body.

but it's true.

i miss that part of him.

of us.

and wish i would have given myself more fully to him in that way.

devoured him, and just fucking soaked it in.

as if it was going to go away.

because what do you know.

it did.

we were one way alone together.

the way two people are when they are crazy about each other.

the boys knew we loved each other.

we kissed, held hands in front of them....

but they never saw the raw sexual-intertwined emotional side of us.

as they shouldn't.

that was between us (me and james. uh, james and i)?

i just wish i had been more selfish, almost, and taken more of that time for us.

but we were always this.

or that.

i wish i had more fully appreciated that part of us.

because i miss it.

why have i been thinking so much about james lately?

i do not know the answer to that.

i really missed him today.

i miss him everyday.

but tonight i sought out photos.

i wanted to SEE him.

i can no longer smell him.

or feel him.

so i wanted to see him.

with the boys.

or at least one of them.

i think it was taking the boys to the aquatic center today.

watching their interaction.

knowing if james would have been there he would have been in the pool/going down the slide every second right along with the boys.

they have a different life now.

not bad.

just different.

so good in some respects.

but so sad and empty in others.