containment.

this post is for me.
documenting a part of my life in a way i never have before.
this is me.
at my absolute weakest.
what would possess me to grab my iPhone and take THIS photo??
looking at photographs is like stopping time.
you can see yourself (or whatever it is you are looking at) in an EXACT moment.
that, for me, is key.
key in helping me determine just what the fuck it is, or was, that was making me so sad/angry/unhappy/whatever.
in that given moment.
'that moment' is the point where i want to say fuck it.
where i want to let myself fall over the edge.
no, you don't need to be worried about me.
i'm just talking about a momentary break.
a way to escape.
that can be done in many ways.
so far, i have been able to stop myself from going over the edge.
but letting it happen is appealing to me.
because in that nothingness, you're happy.
yes, i know it's a false happy.
but it's a break.
my pattern is this.
i get sad.
then angry.
then pissed off.
yes, angry and pissed off are two different things to me.
then i get the attitude that i don't give a fuck.
it's hard to come back from that.
easy to let myself go.
for a bit.
as i have been doing a lot lately, i struggled with whether or not to post this.
i considered writing it, and just leaving it unposted in drafts.
but this is me.
there is this part of me.
a part i am....well....constantly trying to contain.
this is not a cry for help.
i am fine.
so no 'kimberly, seek help' comments.
i would never do anything to cause pain to my boys.
it is my plan to ALWAYS be here for them.
if you don't like what you read here, stop reading.
i'm just sayin.
the boys do not see this side of me.
i need a place to let it out.
and this is it.
on the up side (and this makes me laugh)...and no people, i'm really not crazy, i have damn cute hair.
tonight, at least.
as you can see, i overcame the moment of weakness.
now i am back to being my smart-ass self.
all is well.
i just feel it's important for me to post this.
it's almost as if my blog (at times) has become my art journal.
sans the art part. *sigh* how i miss making art.
i seem to be so completely touched, and easily overcome by music.
that was what set me off earlier, sitting here at my desk.
the boys were taking their showers.
i was listening to music.
as i always do.
and a song came on that just brought on this rush of powerful emotion.
it overtook me.
filled me with so much emotion.
the only way i could deal was to let it out.
that's how i roll.
i keep it all inside.
and then something totally unrelated to all the crap brings it out.
a song.
a simple song.
a melody.
and then it ALL comes pouring out.
and then it passes.
and all is well.