my stomach hurts again. i thought this part was over. why does it keep coming back? why did i come crashing down so hard after the brief time i felt the slightest bit alive on saturday night. why is E being so difficult. why is he pushing me to my limit. passed my limit. i'm not sure what to do with him. and today i can't stop crying. even in front of the boys. i don't know if it's christms being over and everyone being gone or my conversation with jan (about E) that made me shut down and leave her house. i couldn't be there any more. but i can't be here either. i have never felt so alone in my life. all i feel is emptiness. and hurt. and indecision. do i take the boys for a 10 hour drive? listen to them fight in the car? perhaps go insane myself? or do i wait. is the timing not right? i have no objectivity. i can't seem to make a decision to save my life. and i effin hate that.
during those brief few hours where i felt alive, not completely empty...it was wonderful. but now? it's back to feeling.....i don't even know how to explain it....just so bad. i can't keep feeling like this. i just can't. the boys fighting. me not sleeping. being unsure of what to do. i think this is what being dead on the inside must be like.
i want to believe in the idea that once again...some day....i will not feel like this. that there is something else out there for me. but right now, in this minute, i can't contemplate that idea. it just doesn't seem possible.
i have to force myself to get up. to do things for the boys. to undecorate the trees. to be mom. i just want that feeling i had on saturday night back and i'm not sure how to make that happen. is it fair that i have to stay here? how long do i have to live in the shadow? when is it okay to do something just for me. never? because i have these boys? because i am responsible for them? any decision i make will always be in their best interest...but it also has to be in my own interest.
why did my friend have to say to me today what she said. makes me feel so alone. the one person i had left now i feel like i don't have. i mean...seriously?? what next. i'm afraid to ask. why can't i just make a decision??!! why can't i just do....something! maybe it will be the wrong thing..maybe it won't. i'm just not sure i can move by myself. take us to a new place....and in the meantime i just feel like all this pressure is coming down on me and i have no way to escape.
i don't feel like doing anything. i just want to sleep. oh how i wish i could.
7 comments:
Oh Kimberly, what happened? :( Do you need to talk? You can certainly call...day or night, any hour.
I know we have never met and you do not know me but I have been following your blog ever since your loss.
You are going through an unimaginably tough time right now in your life. If you ever just feel like you need someone to talk to or need to reach out to someone, I would be happy to lend an ear.
My email is stuff@mc-comp.com and my name is Val. Email me if you want. I can't do much but at least I can listen.
Please take care of yourself and your boys.
I just wanted to come give you the biggest hug ever.....
Hope you can feel it all the way there...
Leslie Ashe
I too have been following your blog and sending you good wishes from afar. Kimberly, I know you know in your heart that taking care of yourself IS the best way to take care of your boys.
I don't at all mean to sound preachy but I really hope you will consider seeing a grief counsellor.
What you are going through is personal and overwhelming and tragic yet it is also very normal. Even if you have friends and family you can turn to, a professional unbiased support person could potentially really help in your very difficult circumstances.
I wish I could help you and I'm sure many of the other "strangers" reading your blog wish the same. We are rooting for you !
My heart goes out to you.
I'm sorry, dear. Prayers and wishes are the best I can do. Or you can call and yell at me, if you like.
Kim - are you all getting some counseling? I know here we have a place called the center for grieving kids and it offers family services. The sleep thing needs to be looked at because as a mom myself I KNOW that's huge. No patience at all with lack of sleep. Gosh, you are one tough cookie. Hang in there and each day brings you closer to a new heal.
Kimberley - am sending you love, calm, restful sleep and clarity. You are right to be looking after yourself. If you are not being looked after, you have no hope of looking after anyone else. One day we will meet, and I'll give you that hug I promised you. XXX
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