many things.

there is more than just the emotional side of the death of your husband. you are then also hit with the financial aspect. since ethan was born (7 years ago) i have been stay at home mom. james was our sole money maker. well, except for the last couple of months before he died. that's when i opened my etsy shop (so it was basically brand new when james died) so uh...yeah, i'm not exactly going to retire on the income i made. i had only had 7 sales before james died. i temporarily closed the shop after james died. well, a couple weeks after he died, that's when i remembered oh yea, i should close my shop since i'm not paying any attention to it whatsoever.

i paint for many reasons (stay with me here) there IS a point to this. i paint as a form of expression. it's a form of release. it's how i lose myself (which i so need to do). it's my passion. it's also, i hope, a way for me to make some money. that is something i do have to think about now. so yes, i paint (not with the thought of gee, i hope i can sell this), but for the artistic outlet. but...as i said...a few months ago a few friends talked me into opening an etsy shop. and i sold a few pieces. so i figured now really is as good a time as any to try to build my shop. at this time i have no income. not to say we're destitute. we're not. but the man responsible for making our house payment and all that blah blah blah...well...you know that story. so. i painted. and i added this piece to my shop. am i going to make huge amounts of money from my shop? um. no. but at least it's something. a place to start.

part of my new outlook (being positive) is to focus on something positive. and for yesterday (and today) that has been my etsy shop. i was up until 2am last night and back up at 6am to put things together to add to my shop. it felt good to have purpose.
this is a card i made (it's blank inside). i turned one of my original paintings into this card and handmade the envelope. the envelope is textured cardstock which i stitched together. the stitching is messy and shows and i really love how it turned out! you can find this in my shop here.
this is also in my shop. it's a gift card holder. you can either hang it from the tree or attach it to a smaller gift (tie it on with ribbon) which i'm doing for three of my nephews for christmas. i got them each a small toy (and am also giving them a barnes & noble gift card attached to their small gift). i made these gift card holders because there really is nothing (at least i don't think) to put gift cards into. they either need to go into a card/envelope or...well...what do you do with them?! i like the idea of just hanging it from the tree. so go take a look if you're so inclined. :)

it was two months ago today that james died. two months. i really can't believe i've been without him for that long. it hit me yesterday (while doing a bit of christmas shopping). i felt lonely. we used to leave the boys with james' mom and sneak away for a couple of hours together and do some shopping. yesterday it was just me. and i felt really lonely. everywhere i turned there were decorations, and people but even so, i still felt very alone.

it doesn't really feel like christmas time to me. i'm still stuck in the time warp of the death of my husband. my best friend. and it just doesn't feel like christmas. but it is. so i go through the motions, put up the trees, get lights on the house, christmas shop (for the boys) and from the outside, it all looks and seems normal. but i still feel far from normal.

when james first died i didn't know how i was going to do it. i had no clue. but i've been doing it. for two months. for two months i have done it (and i'm sort of shocked by that). so much of that two months has sucked. i can't even tell you how much. i still can't even believe it's been two months. but i can tell you i have never felt so exhausted in my life. so totally and completely exhausted.

and if i think about the future it overwhelms me to the point i cannot function. it literally overwhelms me. but if i take it day by day....i might be able to manage one day. then another. and another. so that's what i'm doing. just got done reading story and tucking the boys in. i have a few things i need to get done and then i am going to bed.