i think this was the beginning of the end.

this will be a no photo post. i don't like no photo posts....but i just wanted to write about something i've been thinking a lot about. here's an entry i made from march 19, 2007:

i'm pretty sure today has been the longest day of my life. at least in recent history. actually for the past few weeks my days have been full of long days. but today was....it was....almost other worldly. surreal. but now i am home. the boys are tucked in safe. they have their mommy back. grandma is back at home. isn't it strange how one day can feel like a week? or longer? i swear....the day isn't even quite over yet it feels like it happened a lifetime ago. and so it is done. the end of indecision.the decision has been made. it is the end of indecision and the beginning of living with the consequences, hoping the right choice has been made. because there is no going back.today has just been the most incredibly difficult day. you can't even imagine. while you can be a couple with someone, no matter what you are going through you ultimately end up going through it alone. at some point you are separated. yes...you come back together after it's done...but for that period....you are alone. one of you here and the other of you there. one experiencing one side and the other the other. each alone. did i mention that today has absolutely been one of the most suckiest horrible days of my life? well it was. and god how i tried to keep it away from the boys. to not let this touch them absolutely any more than it had to.our lives have been forever changed today. for better? for worse? what more is to come our way? i don't even want to think about it. not today. i just can't. i have never in my life ever felt so alone as i did today. i am independent. i do not like relying on anyone for anything. well...except for james for technical stuff. but come on. it's technical stuff and i suck at it. but for everything else? i am self-reliant. i've just had to become that. but sometimes i feel like it would be nice to have people there to help support me. i am sure to someone who doesn't really know me this post may seem dramatic. even cryptic. yes something is clearly happening here. and i'm not saying what. i'm just trying to work through all the craziness. to sort it out. it's hard.ever wonder if you're strong enough for a situation? well if you ask me, there is no way to know until you're actually in a particular situation. you deal with what comes. when it's happening you do what you have to to get through it. you feel so much isolation, loneliness, helplessness, and many more emotions. you struggle to find your way out of the drowning sea of all that is coming at you. and you do. one way or the other you do. you have to.i should be in bed. i am truly exhausted. i have never felt my body shake like i did today. seriously. and to know that it may not be over. but hoping that for now...at least for now....that it is. so that we have time to regroup before being hit with anything else.i couldn't wait to get home and just hold my boys. i needed them tonight. and they needed me. they had a rough day too.


this post was about the day james had a defibrilator implanted into his chest. it was set to go off if his heart rate went above 220 bpm and sustained at that rate. james' doctors feared he might die from 'sudden death' which is when your heart starts racing (he had an enlaged heart and electrical problems...arrythmia....taccychardia). james made the decision (after thinking about it for three years) to have the defibrilator implanted ONLY for his boys' sake. he wanted to be here for them. turns out it didn't help him one bit. it never went off. well....that may not be true. it may have gone off when his heart stopped while he was in the ER, that was never confirmed to me. but when you have a defibrilator, the doctors put a magnet on it while they are working on you so they don't get shocked (the magnet stops it from going off). but after all that he went through, the defibrilator in on way saved his life. or prolonged his life. or benefitted him in any way. what it did do was make james more self-conscious about the lump (you could see it under his skin if you knew what you were looking for). it made him change the way he lived his life. always in fear of the effing thing going off. it was set to beep before it shocked him. and sometimes we would hear strange noises...both look at each other...then look at his chest wondering if he was about to get shocked.

the reason i was cryptic in my post about that day was because james didn't want anyone to know about the unit. and i needed to get it out. so i did, but without actually saying what had happened that day.

and now...now i think that was the beginning of the end. i look back on that day, and what transpired after that day....and i wonder. i wonder if we made the right decision. i still think about james so so so much every single day. now that i am alone (the boys are in bed), the house is quiet...it's when i miss him the most.