again, i have a lot to say.

ethan had a christmas program at school on tuesday. snapped this photo of me and alexander.

E had a small speaking part (introducing a song). that's him, right in the middle, right next to the little girl in the dress with the black on top. oh, and just an fyi...i've been informed that is his girlfriend. um...girlfriend? i don't think so thank you very much mr. i'm only the in second grade!

i had a hard time holding it together at the christmas program. that is something james wouldn't have missed for the world. and i don't know if it was the christmas theme, the christmas music or just the fact that james wasn't there alone that made it so hard. alexander and i were sitting on the floor (the place was packed). and it was all i could do not to break down in wrenching sobs in front of all those people. but i didn't. i maintained. but my god...it just never ends. that feeling of emptiness. loneliness. feeling like my world is still upside down and i'm trying to find a way to right things.

i want to thank every person who checked out my etsy shop. on sunday night (three days ago) i put in 15 items. today, all are gone but three. thank you to every single person who purchased something. i will be adding new items soon so check back if you're interested. it was nice for me to feel like i have purpose again (even if it was brief). painting, and actually selling my art....that is an amazing thing. at the end of E's program, the PFA president asked anyone who could, to pick a snowman off the angel tree that was in the lunchroom. it's for families at E's school who need help during this christmas season. alexander and i walked over to the tree and chose a family to sponsor. that is what i will be doing with some of the money made from my most recent etsy update. so thank you.

i think i mentioned this before, but i'm having sort of flashbacks (inside my mind i see james....how he turned blue, and purple while he was dying). sorry....maybe tmi...i know it's tmi for me. i don't know how i will ever get that image out of my brain. i still question myself. did i make the right decision. will the boys understand when they are older and i tell them everything. i want james back so bad it actually physically hurts. a song can break the dam and the emotions start flooding out. i saw an ambulance driving down the freeway and my mind immediately started thinking about james...being taken from work to the hospital in an ambulance. i always think about what it was like for him. i think about what it felt like for him to live the best life he could with dilated cardiomyopathy. i still can't even freaking believe this has all happened. i mean, i know it has...but how can this have happened?! how are we supposed to go on and find any kind of normal. am i going to be enough to help the boys? i mean, i have to be. i'm all they have. they are all i have. it just makes me hurt so imcredibly much when i look at E, i see how sad he is and i think about him growing up without james. i still get stuck on the fact that it is just not fair. right now at this very second i feel like i am going to throw up thinking about the boys growing up without their father. i am shaking and my body is cold. even though i'm sitting on a heater vent. nothing can make this stop.

i took the boys to the solace tree. it's a place for kids who have lost a parent or other family member. the kids do different things and are given the opportunity to talk if they want. E told me he talked about james. and about grandpa (james' dad who died last year). E talkd about scampi (who died right before james) and granny (james' grandma who died three weeks ago). that is so much more death than any 7 year old should have to deal with. so i'm doing what i can to help E....i need him to be okay...eventually....but i'm so worried about him. how sad he is, how he's not really living, but instead, sort of only half putting himself out there. i need to find a way to being him out again. to make him feel safe. i can never bring james back...but i need to find a way to help ethan. to protect him. i just want him to know how much i love him...and it breaks my heart to see him hurting so much.

tomorrow.....yet another meeting (and i'll probably be given yet another list of things i 'must' do). i still have so so many things to address. like finding cheaper health insurance. my will (so the boys are taken care of should something happen to me). just actually getting our bills paid. dealing with the hospital and doctor bills.....it never ends. so now i'm going to bed. so i can get up tomorrow...and just go from there.