re-do.

tonight after dinner the boys wanted to ride their bikes. it's what we do in the evenings. so i took the opportunity to get a photo of alexander riding that doesn't suck ass.

also got this photo of ethan. i should have been yelling at him to get down. but...uh....instead i, being the great mother than i am, snapped the shot. i'm happy to report we did NOT have to visit the emergency room from this evening's ride.

i have been tagged by the fabulous amie.

here are my six random things:

1. the other day i listened to some old cd's. i mean OLD. tracy chapman, in particular. whenever i hear her, it reminds me of my old boyfriend, timothy, and the time i went to visit him in newport, oregon. he was in the coast guard and was stationed there.

2. i have a thing for men in uniform. particularly the coast guard. did i mention i dated a guy who was a coastie? um, actually i dated a couple of 'em. not of course, at the same time. geez. i AM a lady! (to anyone who is now laughing their ass off, knock it off. i was serious).

3. when i was at the grocery store today i did not buy the bag of oreo cookies that i wanted. but damn i wish i would have. i would be eating them now if i did.

4. about three weeks ago i cut my left index finger very deeply (and right through my fingernail). it bled like a son of a bitch and it still hurts. i'm missing a chunk of fingernail and keep catching that finger on stuff.

5. i love the smell of rain. we have a 50% chance of rain here tomorrow. here's hopin'!

6. i am in dire need of new bras and underwear. seriously.

this is the part where i'm supposed to tag six people...but i'm entirely too lazy. so...if you read this long blog post, consider yourself tagged. post your 6 randoms and link me up.

so proud of alexander.

alexander rode his bike with no training wheels today for the first time!! he's four! and yes, i know the photos suck ass. tell me about it.
the first photo looks like it was dark. while it was definitely dusk, it wasn't as dark as it seems. i clearly just do not know how to use my camera. i was trying to capture the moment but uh.....yeah...the old camera was not set correctly.

i am so proud of alexander! proud and sad at the same time!! he is my baby. my little boy no longer needs training wheels! i am an emotional basket case becasue typing this is almost making me cry! i was just thinking this is the house my kids are growing up in. they learned to ride their bikes in front of the house on this street.

it really wasn't that long ago that we took E's training wheels off. i remember a neighbor coming up to use a couple weeks after and saying they watched us, as james and i helped E, and taught him how to ride without his training wheels. it's like a private moment for the world to see. it's kind of nice that someone else took joy in watching us teach our boys how to ride their bikes. my kids will have memories of their lives in this house. they are old enough to start remembering things from their childhood. sometimes i just think to myself, holy crap. i have kids?! really?!! it just blows me away. i am just so happy for alexander. he was proud of himself and my heart is so full of love for that little boy.......that amazing, smart, handsome, wonderful little boy. alexander, one day you will read this. i just want you to know how proud of you i am, and how happy you make me. i love you.

trying to find my way out.

all day long my mind is a pile of mush.
only when i work out do i find clarity. brief minutes of clarity.
why is that?
a benefit of exercise? ~GASP~ there really ARE benefits???!!
how can it be then, that as soon as i stop that clarity is gone and i again delve deep back into nothingness.
why can't i keep my thoughts straight?
why can't i work it all out enough so that i can have an intelligent conversation and actually know what i want to say. actually know what is wrong. and how to fix it. or even begin to address it.
instead i sit quietly. saying nothing. but wanting to say everything.

a no photo post.

i just want to disappear inside myself.
shrink away.
i feel lost, like there is nothing i can do to stop this downward spiral.
how can i reach out to him?
how can i help him?
why do i feel like it's my fault. i don't really think it is. it just feels that way.
how do i break down these barriers and make my life what i want it to be.
how do i take control?
for some reason i cannot see myself as what i want to be. this is a loss of power.
what are the defining moments in my life?
how do i be myself when i'm not even sure what that is anymore.

i weigh too much.

Damnoen Saduak floating market.
pretty freakin' cool.
not my photo (borrowed from google images).

july 22nd. 5 more weeks until school starts for E.

worked out today. went for a walk today too. a long one.
worked out yesterday.
and i'll work out tomorrow.
all to no avail. i cannot lose a freaking pound to save my life. WTF is up with that.
i will get on the scale in the morning. lets just hope it doesn't yell at me to get the hell off. i NEED it to go down. just a pound. one pound. and then i'll go from there.

going camping this weekend. should be good for the boys. maybe james too (to take a break from building the retaining wall).

going to go watch deadliest catch.
then go to bed. so i can toss and turn. yippy!!!!!!!!!!!! if only i could sleep. just one night.

i'm afraid to go to bed.

is my table here yet? no? why the hell not. i want my table.
i am afraid to go to bed. it's when i go to bed that i toss and turn. sleep for 20 minutes then wake up feeling the river of snot coming out of my nose will never stop. oh. sorry. was that too graphic for you?
i really am scared to go to bed. it's almost as if my allergies are waiting. waiting for me to get comfortable and TRY to fall asleep. do i have some internal allergy alarm clock that oh, say about 2am decides it MUST go off??? oh, some nights i'm lucky. it happens at 3am. OR...it happens at 2am and then at 3am E wakes up crying for some reason or another. and then i am up. until 5am. or 6am. just in time to catch a snooze before alexander is awake (which means so am i).
i should go to bed. i need to go to bed. but i am afraid. very afraid. i am soooooo fucking tired of waking up 50 million times a night. but especially, for the last...hmm...what is it now? three weeks??? waking up because my allergies are so bad i literally cannot breathe. so i go sit in the shower and let the steam fill my face and lungs. i sit in the shower until the hot water runs out. then i take more allergy pills and try to go to sleep because no matter how hard i try, i can't keep the morning from coming. i must rise and shine. waaaay toooo early.
off to load up on allergy pills and try yet again. here's hoping i sleep. i am beginning to wonder just how much a body can take. just how much lack of sleep can i handle? wait. do i really want to know the answer to that?!! no. i do not. maybe tonight will be the night that i sleep. i hope.
and WTH. a post without a pic?? yeah. um...haven't taken any pics in a while. i should get on that. i'll add that to the list of the other million trillion things i should do.
and yes. i have seen an allergy doctor.
even prescription drugs do not work.
i am allergies to...wait. it will be quicker to tell you what i'm NOT allergic to. so the shots thing??? yeah. um. no. not happening.
when does summer end???
or when can i move.
it's like, holy crap. i wake up (after barely sleeping) and feel like crap. i get up, shower and feel a bit better. for a while. then it all starts over again.
maybe if i never leave my house the allergies will subside? at least briefly???
dramatic sounding, i know. i guess that's what lack of sleep does to a woman! lol....
now i really am off to medicate myself and try to sleep.
am i a broken record?? do i ever talk about anything other than not sleeping and allergies? can you say.........boring??!!! ah. yes. the exciting life i lead. heh! lol....

so.........date night.........it went like this.......

why is there a picture of a table on my blog? read on.

so, you're wondering how our date night went, right??!! THERE WAS NO DATE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol...... try as he might, james was unable to locate someone to watch the boys. so we took them out to dinner with us. but hey. it was better than me cooking and me doing the dishes!!

so.....on the way home i said to james, 'i'd really like to go to world market.' in case you are unaware, world market is one of my absolute favorite stores. i wanted to look for a little bag that i can take to thailand with me. just something small (that will fit in my carry on that i can take out and use while there)....to carry what i need while out and about. didn't find any little bag....but james DID find a beautiful dining room table and chairs. he found it. not me. HE brought it to my attention. i did not go looking for it. now. that being said, we are now the proud new owners of a new dining room table and chairs!!! LOL!! not the best time to buy a table and chairs. i JUST bought my airplane tickets to bangkok. the table was on clearance. the chairs were on clearance. and i am in love.



here is one of my deepest darkest secrets. are you ready?? well.....are you???!! i have an itty bitty dining room table. i HATE my itty bitty dining room table. james and i have had it for probably 15 years. it seats 4. yes. i said 4. while that's all fine and great when it's the just the four of us........several times a year we have family visit. we often entertain for dinner. a table that seats 4? NOT conducive to entertaining. i'm happy to report my new table will seat 10. it pulls out with a nice big leaf. aaaaaaaaah. i can't wait. it's being sent to the store from the warehouse next week. how could i pass up the deal?? everything was on clearance. and anyway. it's james' fault. ;) you have no idea how excited i am. we almost bought a new table last year at the beginning of december. we decided we couldn't afford it....we would wait. well....we still can't afford it. lol...but we did it anyway! i can't wait for it to be inside my house. a table that comfortably seats 6, 8....even 10 people??!! ~thud~ that's me passing out from giddiness and joy.



i went to world market's website to look for a photo of the table and chairs but it's not listed on their site. the closest thing i could find is the photo i posted above. our new table is dark....that deep rich almost black color. it's beautiful. and seriously. i think i am going to pass out. i have waited. and waited. and waited for a new table. yippy!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol... as long as there are no problems getting the table from the warehouse i'll be all set! and i can't wait.

so james' date night? set him back.......oh.........close to a grand! ha!!!!!! that'll teach him to ever take me out again. LOL!

i'm just a little fired up.

i take E to his 7 year check up yesterday. it's all good. no shots. he's tall...and healthy....but when it comes to the part where she (pediatrician) asks E if he is playing sports, he says no. i go on to add, 'yeah, he decided this year he didn't want to play soccer, or baseball, OR take swim lessons.' E goes through phases. phases where he is soooooooooooooooooooooo difficult. and this is one of them. so the ped says, 'well, it's up to you (meaning me) to make it seem exciting for him, entice him to want to play.' i'm like...uh.....yeah. (thinking to myself) have you lived with my kid???!! do you have ANY freaking idea how exhausting he can be?? NO?? well then, shut the fuck up. so i smile, nod my head and leave. she doesn't get it. she doesn't know my kid. he's not bad. he's a good kid. but damn is he difficult at times. fights me on EVERYTHING. brushing his hair. taking a bath. reading. there are times i think he is deaf (to my voice only).

so between my allergies kicking my ass (no medication i have ever taken works for more than 20 minutes), being worried about james (how tired he's been), struggling with E, not sleeping, just trying to get through the summer (and that's no way to live)....i am done. i swear to god if i have to decide just one more night what to have for dinner and then cook it i am going to >insert me pretend stabbing myself in the heart here<. lol... i am sure it will get better. if only i could snap my fingers and make it all perfect. right now. wouldn't that be nice?

i've been thinking. warning **long post**

i've been doing some thinking. some soul searching, really. it occurred to me today, while sitting with alexander, that i have been feeling intimidated. intimidated by emily falconbridge, and tara whitney, and the other 7 wonderful women i will be going to thailand with. i am always doubting myself. always feeling like i need to explain myself, that i'm not good enough. and then i thought to myself. damn. that is a lot of wasted energy. seriously. i have got to stop looking at myself in such a negative light. i do not judge other people. why is it i often feel judged by others. i choose to stay home and raise my children. later, when i feel it's time i will do something else. i have already started down that path (in opening my etsy shop). in painting again. but the time is not here yet. the boys are still young. it seems like it takes forever, but it's really the blink of an eye. before i know it, alexander will be in school all day like ethan. i know i would regret not having spent this time with them.

my priorities are changing. my children (and james) are still at the top. but i'm also beginning to place importance on myself, to understand it's okay to let the other parts of me out, that i don't have to just be a wife and mom. i can (and should) find my own way in this life. that i have an identity other than mom, and wife. and that's okay. it's more than okay. it's necessary. it's all a constant struggle for balance, and that is something that doesn't come easily to me. why is my first instinct to place everyone else first? does that benefit my children? perhaps...depending on the scenario....but i also want to teach them to value women. i want to be a good rounded role model for the boys.

this constant questioning myself, editing myself, feeling like i don't have anything to offer....it's got to stop. it's not going to be easy. i have been down this road for a loooong time. it's exhausting, always wondering...replaying...questioning....i just want to live. and while i say i don't really give a flying f*ck what others think, that's not 100% true. for the most part it's true, but in the aspects of my life that i feel are very important to me personally (my art, scrapping and art journal)....it's not true. that is something i struggle with.

not sleeping does not help any of this. insomnia, allergies, being a night owl to begin with, never having time to create except when the boys and james are sleeping....none of that helps matters. i still need to figure out how to not be so utterly and completely exhausted. that will help me feel creative again. when i am tired, i just don't feel it. at all. so i sit. and do not create. anything.

i haven't really been feeling very social. which is odd. because i've been spending a lot of time with jan. she makes me laugh. she and i have a lot in common and i really enjoy spending time with her. but i've been quiet. and just today figured out that it's because i feel intimidated by everyone i am going to thailand with. at least now that i have figured out what has been bothering me i can move on. i haven't felt like scrapping, painting, or working in my art journal. that is the stuff that used to help me, make me feel better. so while E and james were at a birthday party, and alexander was resting, i sat down at my table and scrapped this page. for me, it's about getting the emotion out. i am done with design teams and blah blah blah. that's not what it is about for me. maybe some day i will want to go that route again, but not right now.

i hope to return from thailand feeling independent, recharged (socially, emotionally)...and with new purpose.

james just took this pic.

real time. well....sort of. the pic isn't doctored in any way. you'll have to ignore the i've been at the lake all day hair. and i didn't search for a photo that makes me look skinny, so if you ask me, that's about as real time as there is. ha. the boys and i were sitting out front. they were playing, i was catching up on my laptop (after being at the lake all day). james got home from work about 7:30 and for whatever reason, snapped this pic (using his blackberry).

wanna see a cute kid?

stinking freaking adorable (if i do say so myself). this was alexander a couple of weeks ago.

why can i not motivate myself to clean the house. do i LIKE living in a sty? um. NO. do i think the house cleaning fairies are going to magically appear? um. yeah. that's a no too. but hey. a girl can dream. maybe one day the house cleaning fairies AND the dinner cooking fairies will both magically appear at my doorstep. wouldn't that be nice. in the meantime, i guess i'll continue to live in a not 100% clean house. at least until thursday. tomorrow i'm off to lake tahoe for some fun in the sun.

stream of consciousness.

we make hundreds of choices on any given day.

in your life, are there choices you would change?

how do you keep from bring affected by someone else's mood?

the loud clanging and banging....the frustration....you're not sure...is it your fault?

how do you not let that bad energy affect you...while at the same time, trying to be understanding.

if there are typos in here it's because i have a huge bandage on my left index finger and i'm not going back and fixing 'em.

so what's the secret? how do you maintain your flow of energy.

and how do you know when it's time, and okay to make a choice that is good for you and you only.

what i'd really like to know is how do i get back my identity? how do i stand on my own and not be affected by the mood. yes, i am part of a couple...but i am also an individual. and should be less affected in that regard.

i think if you're not happy, and you can change that, you should. if what you're currently doing isn't fully working for you, and you can do something to change it....you must. the art journal page here is not new but does convey how i'm currently feeling. nothing like a little electrical tape and paint that can't make you feel better, right? too bad i feel absolutely uncreative tonight or i could have gone upstairs and made a new page.

yeah. now that's what i'm talking about!!!

alexander in the surf. YES. tahoe had a surf. it was almost like being at the ocean.




ethan having fun in the waves.



we went to tahoe with a bunch of people. this is rachael (our friends' daughter) getting james with a bucket FULL of cold tahoe water. gotta love it that i just happened to catch the shot!



what's time at the beach if you don't bury someone! elizabeth started it but alexander was more than happy to pile the sand on his daddy, then WALK on him to pile on more!!! lol....

all in all we had a really great day. i didn't take my camera to the fireworks. i figured i had taken more than enough photos at the lake. and i wanted to enjoy cuddling with alexander under a blanket and listening to his reaction to the fireworks. i held him in my lap the entire time and loved every single minute of it. the thing that made me laugh?? alexander saying, "yeah, that's what i'm talking about" when the big really great fireworks went off. such a funny kid.

randomness.

random thailand photo i got from google images.
feeling drugged up (way toooo many allergy meds). that don't work worth a crap.
wishing for enough free time so i could sleep, eat (things that are bad for me), scrap, art journal and paint. haven't painted since june 5th or 6th. can't remember.
always feeling like time is running out. why is that?
now i am going to go make dinner.
tomorrow we're going to the lake with friends but coming back early enough so alexander can take a rest. after that, same friends over for a bbq, i'm making strawberry shortcake...then off to fireworks. happy 4th!

thailand.........here i come!

obviously this is not my original photo. i've never been to thailand. i borrowed this photo from google images. this is southern thailand (krabi province) to be exact. and i'm goin' there. it is official. i am going to thailand with the amazing em falconbridge

and the fab tara whitney. my deposit has been paid. there is no turning back. and believe me, i have my reservations (leaving my kids and hubby, spending 'family' money on just ME, james taking time off from HIS work for ME to do this, etc., etc.....did i mention it's not exactly cheap??)...anyone want to buy a painting...*coughGOTOMYETSYSHOPcough* LOL! i'm totally kidding. yeah. sort of! lol..

but it doesn't matter. i am freaking going. i'm excited, and scared (me no speaky the language, and...uh...the baht?? yeah. how does that money thing work exactly??)....and a whole lot of other things. and more than likely would not be going if it wasn't for james. so ya big hunka hunka man, thank you. you de best.

photo's from my dad's house.

i failed to take my camera with me when the boys and i went to see my dad (and my aunt sandy and uncle lou). however, my aunt sandy was kind enough to take a few pictures and email them to me when she got home. this is me and the boys (duh) inside my dad's house.

my dad aka LRB taking alexander for his first-ever ride on a quad. alexander had a hard time figuring out the controls (my dad let him accelerate and steer), but once he figured it out there was no stopping him. the kid has no fear.

my dad taking E for his first-ever ride on a quad. i had to coax him into it. E is timid. he is the oppositive of alexander in that regard. but once E got on, he had a blast! i felt like a bad mom (coaxing him to do something he was scared to do) but i also don't want him to be afraid to live life. i want him to try new things even if he's scared. if he doesn't do that, how will he ever experience what life has to offer.

and as usual when i blog, the boys are in the tub and now i must go make sure they have washed their grubby little feet and hands. we spent another day working in the back yard. the good news? the first excavation (yes, there is a second excavation still to come) is almost completely done and level. if i never see another shovel, mattock or wheel barrow i will be a happy woman.

photo impressionism?

have you heard of photo impressionism? i have. and it's cool. this photo is not the best example, but it's the first semi-usable photo i could make work. this is SF bay. we took the byos there for my birthday a couple of years ago. photo impressionism, for me at least, takes the photo and captures the feeling. it captures the essence of the photo (which is what i like to do when i paint). if i messed with this some more i could make it look very much like a painting. pretty cool. anyway, sometimes i like to mess with photos before i paint from them. it expands my horizon and gives me ideas for color.

a quick page basically trying to get the photos i had on my table, OFF my table. journaling: be free. with your spirit. with your kindness. in your life. some good words for E as he grows up.

just came in from working in the back yard again. going to give the boys a bath. taking TWO allergy pills tonight so hopefully i will be knocked on my ass and get some sleep. heeeeeeee!

looks like i may be going out of town next week. that's another post all in itself for another time.

ps: bangkok is 14 hours ahead of my local time. just, you know, in case you were wondering. ;)

the lines are blurred. another scrappy!

how do i know when it's okay to do something for myself. the lines are blurred for me. the last 7 years have been all about being a mother, my kids' wants and needs. starting to emerge from that but having a really hard time figuring out the balance.

the trip to my dad's was actually nice. no expectations? can't be disappointed. he took the boys for a ride on his quad. alexander was way into that. he took them for a ride on his golf cart (let them both drive actually) which they were both very excited about. it was nice to see my aunt sandy and uncle lou.

got a rare, and i do mean rare compliment from my dad. he said i have good boys. my uncle lou also complimented me on what good children i have. they were both good. really good. and it was nice.

i took my dad's quad out for a little spin too. that was damn fun. did i mention i was wearing a skirt? so not the right clothing to wear to ride a quad. but no matter. it needed to be done. so i did it. and it was fun.

just came in from working out in the back yard. a maddock (is that how you even spell that?) should never...and i do mean NEVER be weilded by a woman. makes my hands hurt. james is by far the stronger of the two of us but i figure any little bit i do is less he has to do. our 4 yards of rock that were delivered yesterday are now tucked away in the back yard waiting to be used. maybe this weekend. if we dig out there every night this week we might be ready for rock by saturday. maybe.

now i must go be mommy again and check on the boys. it's almost their bedtime.

finally scrapped.

after having not scrapped for almost four months i finally made a page. click on the image. trust me, way better to look at it that way.

journaling: how can i be bored and happy.....just trying to get through the next day yet enjoying it (at least to some degree) at the same time.

how can i have all of these emotions at once? i don't want to just 'get' through the day. i want to live each day with passion. i want to wake up feeling rested and excited about my day. i want to show my boys how to live each day to the fullest. now if only i can figure out how to do that.


going to my father's tomorrow (in california). just for the day. my aunt sandy and uncle lou are there and my dad asked if we (me and the boys only, james will be working) wanted to come. should be interesting. and i'll tell you this. i'm only going because E overheard james and i talking (saying that my dad invited us). because E overheard us, he got very excited at the prospect of seeing The Grandpa. why, i do not know. my dad does not show the boys affection. he will take them for a ride in the golf cart (he lives on a golf course). or he'll take them on his quad. and that will pretty much be the extent of my dad's attention for the boys. his wife will be slightly better, but not much.

so i am going, and hoping it will be a nice day. i have absolutely no expectations and i say if you start from zero, there is only one way to go and that's up. we have been invited for dinner. i did tell my dad i need to be back home early in the evening (we're having 4 yards of rock delivered tomorrow) and i need to be here for that. so. if dinner's not ready by the time we need to leave? i'm standing up for myself and leaving anyway. i am prepared. i have food packed for the boys. i am in no way obligated....hmm....i mean...i don't 'have' to stay. i'm doing what's best for me and the boys. if i appear rude because of that? oh well. i will fit them into our schedule, not the other way around. it's almost empowering, realizing i can stand up for myself. you're thinking...uh...dude. it's just dinner. trust me. it's more than that. hopefully tomorrow will be a nice day and the boys can have a bit of time with The Grandpa and The Grandma. yes, that's what they call them. The Grandma and The Grandpa. i did that. and it totally cracks me up. **insert evil little laugh here** heh.

is it as easy as this?

it seems to be our ritual that after dinner each night the boys play out front, with a bowl of ice cream which they put on the table on the patio. tonight it was blow bubbles, chase and then pop them. fun stuff.

this photograph is very E. he's showing his personality. he's also asserting who he is. it's kind of a good thing....and a bad thing. he's 7 going on i know everything and you don't. someone get me a drink. :wink:

last night james and i met a few people at the farmer's market, had a couple of drinks, bought some fruit and veggies, then went out to eat just the two of us. it was nice. so, i've been thinking. what makes you happy? is it as simple as nice weather, some friends, being an adult for a while? being a couple again? what is it that makes you happy.

sex and the city.

i dig this in black and white.

i think i'm sort of checking out. just a bit.
this summer it is going to be very hard for me to find any creative time. with E home, the weekends being filled with landscaping the back yard (which is hard on james)...it just seems like summer (at least it has been so far) is all about the boys (keeping them entertained, so they don't fight), and getting things done in the back (it needs it, believe me, and has been a long time coming). all with minimal television. yeah. i have a 'thing' about how much television the boys watch and exactly what they watch. all this doesn't leave time for much else.

i may not even be taking the boys to SF.
we may not even take our annual trip to mendocino.

my brother's three boys will be here on the 22nd to stay for a week. so i'll be even busier then. i love those boys, so it will be good...but hard at the same time.

i watched sex and the city (the movie) this last weekend. i never thought i would admit that out loud! lol.... i never watched the show. really not my thing. but, as it turns out, i loved the movie. it was romantic, and funny, and sad all at the same time. and now i am watching sex and the city from the beginning (season 1)....i have six glorious seasons to watch on my iPod while i work out, what could make a girl happier?!

what i miss.

do you know what i miss?
the ocean.
the way it smells.
the way it feels.
how i feel when i am there.
i'm very emotional today.
seriously. dude. i need to get a grip!
questioning myself. again.
what is the right thing to do?
weighing what i really want against what i 'should' do.
clearly i need to art journal. but it won't be happening tonight.

i haven't scrapped in way over three months. i've been creative in other ways, (duh, hello i have an etsy shop now)....just haven't scrapped. or even art journaled. i was thinking today, as i was folding laundry, that i've been extremely tired. more tired than normal. and believe me, on any given day, i'm way beyond tired. i think it's partly because of all the quakes. that and the fact i have trouble sleeping to begin with. i'm so used to waking up at the slightest noise (hello, i'm a mother)....guess i need to figure out a way to re-program my mind and body so i stop waking up 50 times a night. yeah. i'll work on that.

i'm tired of earthquakes.

photo of alexander i took earlier today. he climbed up onto the footboard of his bed and was laying on his big bear (groven bear), and just being. as you can see...nothing on the walls. we're still shakin'. in fact, it's picked up over the last three days and we had a 4.0 over the weekend. what. 4.0 doesn't sound big? well trust me. it's big enough. big enough for things to break. big enough to bounce things around....to make your dishes rattle....to actually get to watch your entire house shake. we actually had four larger quakes sat night (2) and two on sunday during the day. another one this evening. i'm not sure i'll ever be able to put stuff back up on the walls in the boys' rooms. seriously. SO tired of the quakes!!!!

i know we're lucky (very lucky in fact compred to all the tragedy happening in china)....i just want to feel safe again. i hate....HATE how loud quakes are, and the sheer power? it's amazing. definitely puts you in your place....reminds you of how small you really are.

i'm officially an on-line bill payer now.

just added this to my etsy shop. as i was working on it, i hated it. couldn't get it to work. set it aside and came back to it a day or two later. made two small changes and it just clicked. what a beautiful thing.....when it just comes together like that.

i may be adding another product to my shop soon. when i get it all figured out that is. not anything big, something small. but beautiful nonetheless. at least i hope!

signed myself up for online bill pay tonight. yes. i finally did it. the next bill i pay will be without a check or stamp. woot! so lea...gonna have to find something else to give me 'crap' about! lol... not that there's a shortage of stuff to give me a hard time about, believe me! lol...

going to go watch mindless television now. then go to bed. happy friday!

can you say i am a freaking moron??!!

last weekend, while james was in california, the boys enjoyed some running through the sprikler in the front yard time!
they really didn't care how cold the water was from the sprinklers. they were content to run, be crazy, freeze....then lay their towels on the driveway where it was warm, warm up...then do it all over again!

alexander and i walked down to the mailbox today. know what i found? no? well then, let me tell you. i found a notice. from the power company. telling me they were going to turn off our freaking power. WTF???!!! i was like...uh...NO i paid the damn bill!! so i went inside, to my desk, where all the bills go and wait to be paid. and guess what i found. the bill. i freaking failed to pay the power bill for may!! and dudes. the power company really doesn't care that my lack of sleep is affecting my daily life. they want their freakin' money. i cannot freaking believe i did not pay the bill!!! so i loaded up the boys, and for the first time in my life, went down to the power company in person to pay the bill. an experience i hope to never repeat.

THEN...yeah...there's more. i realized i hadn't paid the house payment yet. it was due a couple of days ago. good thing we have a grace period, that's all i can say. so i get all the bills that currently need to be paid, get my stamps (yes, i still actually write out an antequated check)...and start to write out checks. ONLY to find out i am out of freaking checks!!! my checkbook has one check. the box (where i THOUGHT the rest of our checks were)...EMPTY. seriously. i cannot freaking believe it! in all my bill-paying years i have NEVER forgotten to pay a bill. it was sobering to actually realize that my lack of sleep in affecting me that much. good thing james has a few checks left in his stash. that will get us through until i order more checks and/or figure out how to start paying on-line.

seriously. what in the hell in wrong with me?!

feeling inspired by color.

just added this painting to my etsy shop. feeling very inspired by ultramarine blue and deep violet along with yellow ocre and reds.

i *think* E's teacher loved the painting i gave her (see post below). she said it brought tears to her eyes (and she showed it to all the other teachers). so that's good. because believe me, i was VERY nervous about it. i am extremely nervous/anxious each time i ship a painting to someone.

the colors on this one are interesting. they're bold. and i like that.

we took E out to dinner tonight to celebrate the end of first grade. yeah. that's what i told him anyway. real reason? i hadn't even thought about dinner. just didn't have it in me today. tomorrow i'll do better.

need to go to bed i suppose. gotta get started on that waking up fifty million times a night so i wake up feeling un-refreshed and un-ready for my day!! lol... yeah. i know. i'm little miss positive, aren't i. tomorrow........i........will.....do better!

summer is almost here.

giving this painting to E's teacher tomorrow (along with a starbucks card and a loaded visa card). wanted something i think she will use (i know she loves starbucks)...and visa is taken pretty much anywhere. but i also wanted something personal to give to her. i can't think of anything more personal (from me anyway) than a painting. i have no idea if my style is something she will even be interested in so i'm a little nervous about giving it to her.

feeling a little bit like a single mom. it's only been a few days of james being away, working on the weekend and being super busy during the work week). i shouldn't complain. i just find myself wondering how i'm going to make it through the summer. if today (AFTER i picked E up from school) is any indication of what it will be like...someone just kill me now. pretty please. all E has done today is whine, and pick on alexander. all alexander has done is cry (kept getting hurt and telling me E was being mean to him).

seems it doesn't take much to take away any reserve i have. desperately needing to find some balance (both james and i need that), just not sure how to do it. painting only in bits and pieces of time is not conducive to great art, well...to any kind of art really. wanting to scrap but having to choose whether i scrap, paint or art journal. feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of summer i guess. need to figure out how to make it good quality time with E (and zan) because i fully realize that soon enough, the time my boys are small, will be gone.

field day!

this is E and kathy. they've had a thing for each other all year long. it's soooo cute. friday was field day for E and i took alexander and we hung out for a while while the entire first grade was out on the field. E definitely has a thing for redheads. you can see alexander there, on the right. he was excited to finally be included in something that had to do with school. he cannot wait until it's his turn to go. poor kid has no clue how long it's gonna be (a whole nother year)!!

this is E, justin and mateo (friends/classmates). so stinking cute. i love this pic! they are all so carefree. and i probably shouldn't be posting pics that have other peoples' kids in them. sssshhhh. don't tell anyone! ;) i couldn't resist.

we are counting down the days until E is done with first grade. he goes to school monday, tuesday and then half a day wednesday and that is it! i can't believe it. now i must get off the puter and tuck my boys in.

my husband is the best.

when i finish a painting i tape it (masking tape) to my wall. not very sophisticated, i know. but it works for me. every painting i do gets put on the wall. then i look at it. and decide if i like it. so here's a shot of a few that are currently on the right side of the wall in the loft (where i scrap, paint and art journal).

oh, and for the curious? i did email tara whitney and tell her to put my name on the list of those that want to go to thailand. and holy crap. i might really do this??!! yes. but only if i emailed her in time. tara is waiting for emily to get back from italy and then they will start contacting people. here's hoping i'm on 'that' list. now....you see those two pieces of white paper on the left (they look like 4 x 6 pics were printed out on 8 1.2 x 11 paper)??? one is of a boat on the water in thailand. the other is of a hot dude. a thai dude. my husband printed those out and taped them to my wall. and i love him. that's what did it for me, made my mind up (to at least try to do t his). i may never take the pic of the hot thai dude off my wall. heh.

here's why i can't do this.

this morning i sat down with my laptop for a few minutes (to check email, various sites, etc.) and what do i see? em falconbridge and tara whitney are taking a trip to thailand. and they're taking 8 people with them. well.....taking may not be exactly the right word. you have to pay for your airfare to bangkok. and $2,600 for what em and tara call 'find yourself''....a retreat of sorts. dudes. i want to 'find' myself in thailand. with emily falconbridge. and tara whitney too! so i sent james the link.

what does he do?? gets online to check out airfare. turns out it's actually cheaper than one might think. well...cheap?? not so much. but it's actually not as high as i thought it would be.

so james comes home from work tonight. we eat dinner, the boys are in the front yard playing and he grabs me by the hand and takes me into the bedroom. NO. not for that. sheesh. he put something on my pillow and wanted to show it to me. it was a book. about thailand.

i so would love to take this trip. here's why i can't:
james would have to take a week off from work to stay home with the boys.
he would have to use HIS vacation time for ME.
i'm not sure i can leave my boys for a week. never done it before.
the only other time i've left them was to go to CHA last summer. i had a great time. it was good for me, but for a week? actually more. i'd be gone for 10 days.
it would be the most irresponsible thing i could possibly do. me...go on a trip like this....without james and the boys??? just me??? i don't think so. not that i don't like a good adventure. i do. i just can't see spending this much money on just me. now if it were a family vacation? no problem. but james doesn't want to fly 20 hours (or whatever it is) with the boys. he thinks they are still too young to appreciate something like this.
he really truly wants me to go. i'm just not sure i can.
plus, by the time i make up my mind all 8 spots will be gone. maybe that will solve it for me.
it's nice to think about.....it would be a great experience. i just don't think i can spend that much money on something for just me. and ask james to give up that much time off from work so i can go and do something like this. it would be selfish.
and i would miss my boys. E hears us talking about thailand and he's already clinging on for dear life. alexander said he wants me to go (james asked)....E?? not so much. surprisingly enough E was the one who cried while i was in chicago last summer. he was the one that really missed me. alexander missed me too, i know he did, but it was E that surprised me with his reaction.

now....can i really NOT do this? or am i talking myself out of something great because of fears and worry that can be overcome. so.....thailand.......something to think about.

it's raining!

just added this painting to my etsy shop along with one other one. if you want to take a look click here.

it is raining and cold today and i love it. it doesn't rain much here. it will be over in about ten minutes but i'll enjoy it while it's here.

had a really nice weekend. james spent a lot of time with the boys. i painted two pieces (one of which you see here). then saturday afternoon james and i went to see indy (left the boys with his mom). then yesterday afternoon james and i went to another movie!!! two movies in three days???!!! we haven't been to two movies in the last four years!! i left my kids twice in one weekend!!!!!!! that's big people. lol... james and i don't go out much without the boys. pretty much all our time is spent with them. so it was nice (especially since it was our anniversary).

while we didn't take our annual trip to mendo for our anniversary this year, we still had a great time just being together. yes, i missed the smell of the ocean, the briskness of a fort bragg morning, and walking on the beach, watching the boys play in the sand, but we did have a nice time just hanging out at home as a family. and we will, at some point, take a quick weekend getaway. it just didn't happen to be on our anniversary this time.

so far today i have swept the entire downstairs, vacuumed downstairs. cleaned the downstairs toilets, unloaded the dishwasher, taken E to school, started laundry and added two pieces to my shop. now i'm off to check on alexander and drink a cup of something hot!

a stroll down memory lane.

may 26, 1991. the day james and i got married. 17...let me say that again....SEVENTEEN years ago!!!! like holy crap. 17 years ago??? i must have been a young bride. ;)

first smooch as a married couple.

and yes. i set foot in a church and didn't spontaneously decombust.

cake anyone? heeheehee....

and before you go gettin' all...WTH?? white cake??? NO. it was just white frosting. believe me. my wedding cake was chocolate. damn straight.

part of our honeymoon was a cruise to mexico. this was in the main dining room and i have absolutely no idea who took this photo. but i'm glad we have it.

i should scrap our wedding. i haven't scrapped one single wedding photo. not one. some day i will. for now i'm content to just remember. remember our day. i would also like to take this opportunity to address a quesion my father posed to james and i before we got married. my dad thought we shouldn't have a wedding. he offered to buy us a washer and dryer, and give us $5,000 in cash to skip the wedding. now, 17 years later....i can answer whole-heartedly that i am glad we didn't even consider his offer. i am glad we had a wedding, and have all these photographs to help us remember. as for the washer and dryer??? i'm on my second washer and third dryer. they can be replaced. beautiful memories cannot.

so james, happy anniversary to you. i love you with all my heart. after all these years together i can honestly say i still love spending time with you. you make me laugh and you make me smile. you are a good man. you are generous and give of yourself freely. you are a good father to our children. it is important to remember us....as a couple....before the kids. it is important to celebrate us....and the day we got married. happy anniversary.

added two new paintings to my shop!

added this one to my shop just a couple of minutes ago. it's heavy body acrylic on medium texture canvas and is 12 x 16 in size. i added another one yesterday. if you want to see it click here.

i am finally starting to feel better (though still having trouble sleeping). alexander is still coughing and stuffy but seems to be on the road to recovery.

longing for a huge chunk of time to do nothing but create. maybe sleep a little, listen to some music...but wow. uninterrupted time to create? what a rare commodity!

received an email from my father today. wants to meet me for lunch on the 30th. i laughed out loud. just responded. needless to say i am not going. seriously?? he thinks i'm going to do that again???! so not happening.

one of my favorite things???? it's raining!!!!!!!!!!! in nevada. yeah. that's big people. it smells soooooo good right now! it's freaking cold but the big window in the living room is open wide so i can enjoy the smell. it won't last long. soon we'll be back to just icky cold and no delightful rain smell. yesterday it was 94 freaking degrees. today...rain! tomorrow?? 60 and cloudy!

off to put little ones to bed.

oh my freaking god!

i am completely honored and thrilled to have my paintings/etsy shop mentioned by linda woods on (the REV it up list) blog! go here to check it: http://revituplist.typepad.com/

there is a link on the right side of my blog that will take you to my etsy if you want to check out my shop. i'm working on three new pieces that will be added soon.

pics from the weekend.

may 9-11 was the reno riverfest. reno has a white water kayak course (pretty much it runs right through the middle of downtown) and this weekend james and i went down to the river and took a couple of white water clinics. james likes to give me a lot of crap. so i gave him the finger. nicely, of course! lol.....

gearin' up. sure have to put a lot of crap on to get into cold rushing water. wet suit, booties, helmet (wouldn't wanna crack your head on a rock now wouldya), pfd, dry shirt, etc.!

my man. my main squeeze. he's the handomest. i so dig the hippy hair.

all in all it was a fun weekend. mother's day morning we took the boys down to the river and let 'em run wild for a while. then we got them some hot cocoa (because that water is friggin' cold) and took them to james' mom's house and came back for our clinic. i didn't take my camera. these three pics were taken with james' blackberry. not bad for a phone cam. after our two hour clinic we went back to james' mom's house for a little bbq. the boys were content playing in grandma's backyard. and boy were they wiped out when we got home (which was nice).

my reality check.

this is one of the bouquets of flowers i had waiting for my mom when she arrived (what was it....three weeks or so ago)? after she left i moved the arrangements downstairs and they lasted for another week. it was nice.

three quakes last night (not huge, but enough to wake us up, shake the house and scare the crap out of the dogs). luckily the boys went right back to sleep. but....it was one more night where my sleep was not peaceful. where i kept expecting to have to jump out of bed at any moment to get the boys and dogs. woke up feeling 100% completely exhausted. so did james. i mean like break down in tears for no good reason kind of exhausted. i'm really tired of feeling this way.

was supposed to meet my dad for lunch today. we agreed on 11:30. ran to costco (and hurry, hurry hurried) so we would be on time. 20 minutes after my dad was supposed to arrive i called him on his cell. he said he was 'running errands', and was completely on the other side of town (so about 30 minutes away). we waited. and waited. finally i ordered lunch for us (poor alexander had already been at the restaurant for 45 minutes). i finally called my dad back and told him we were leaving. we waited for one hour. and i will never do that again.

my dad and i don't have a great relationship. we see each other occasionally. i send him a card on his birthday and father's day, we email occasionally and we call it good. it is what it is. i have tried and tried to figure out a way to make things better. but have finally come to the realization that they just never will be better. he is who he is and i can't change that. we will never have what i consider a normal father/daughter relationship. that makes me sad, but it also frees me from spending so much energy being angry and hurt. i've just come to understand.....it is what it is.

my reality check is this. i sometimes try to imagine how i will feel when i find out that my dad has died. morbid, huh? i can probably never prepare myself for that news...but i do try to imagine how i will feel and what i will have wished i tried harder to do, to fix. i just think there comes a time when you have to let go. and i'm wondering if this is that time.

the thing that gets me the most is that alexander was expecting to have lunch with the grandpa. and that didn't happen. lesson learned i guess.

i will never understand what goes on inside his head. why he does what he does, acts the way he acts. he barely knows me. i mean, he knows me when i was itty bitty. but he doesn't know me as an adult. and he never will. he checked out when i was in the 6th grade. i have from time to time wondered how in the hell i came to be from the parents that i have. i just don't seem like either one of them. then i think wait a minute. i am more like my dad than i think. he doesn't seem able to function on certain emotional levels. and i often feel like i am socially retarded...don't do well in big crowds...suck at small talk....i'm basically a loner. which is scary. that i am so much like my dad. becasue if my relationship with my boys is anything like the relationship i have with my dad, or the relationship my dad has with my brother....just kill me now. i never want that for my boys.

and now i've gotten this out. i can move on. get over it. be done with it. at least for now.

off to work out.

couple of new paintings.

i recently opened an etsy shop. these two paintings have just been added to the shop. if you want to check it out, go here:
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5836515