finally scrapped.

after having not scrapped for almost four months i finally made a page. click on the image. trust me, way better to look at it that way.

journaling: how can i be bored and happy.....just trying to get through the next day yet enjoying it (at least to some degree) at the same time.

how can i have all of these emotions at once? i don't want to just 'get' through the day. i want to live each day with passion. i want to wake up feeling rested and excited about my day. i want to show my boys how to live each day to the fullest. now if only i can figure out how to do that.


going to my father's tomorrow (in california). just for the day. my aunt sandy and uncle lou are there and my dad asked if we (me and the boys only, james will be working) wanted to come. should be interesting. and i'll tell you this. i'm only going because E overheard james and i talking (saying that my dad invited us). because E overheard us, he got very excited at the prospect of seeing The Grandpa. why, i do not know. my dad does not show the boys affection. he will take them for a ride in the golf cart (he lives on a golf course). or he'll take them on his quad. and that will pretty much be the extent of my dad's attention for the boys. his wife will be slightly better, but not much.

so i am going, and hoping it will be a nice day. i have absolutely no expectations and i say if you start from zero, there is only one way to go and that's up. we have been invited for dinner. i did tell my dad i need to be back home early in the evening (we're having 4 yards of rock delivered tomorrow) and i need to be here for that. so. if dinner's not ready by the time we need to leave? i'm standing up for myself and leaving anyway. i am prepared. i have food packed for the boys. i am in no way obligated....hmm....i mean...i don't 'have' to stay. i'm doing what's best for me and the boys. if i appear rude because of that? oh well. i will fit them into our schedule, not the other way around. it's almost empowering, realizing i can stand up for myself. you're thinking...uh...dude. it's just dinner. trust me. it's more than that. hopefully tomorrow will be a nice day and the boys can have a bit of time with The Grandpa and The Grandma. yes, that's what they call them. The Grandma and The Grandpa. i did that. and it totally cracks me up. **insert evil little laugh here** heh.