today is alexander's birthday.

five years ago today alexander harrison danger reed was born. at 10:11 am, to be exact. i remember that day vividly. and yes, i said danger. dan (friend of ours) has given him the name danger. so now, when you ask alexander what his name is, he always replies, 'alexander harrison DANGER reed'. emphasis on the danger. the kid is funny.

today was a sad day. yet a happy one too. i am having alexander's birthday party on saturday but even so, wanted to make today special (since it is his actual bday). i took the boys to breakfast (before taking E to school). it was alexander's bday wish, to go out for breakfast. so we did. i sang happy birthday to alxander today first thing this morning. he was so cute. he thanked me later in the day for singing to him. i gave him a couple of small gifts this morning. and another small one at lunch. he treasured each one and thanked me for each. he was just happy to be 5. what an amazing thing.

alexander told everyone who would listen to him today that today is his birthday. and that he is five. we talked about james today. i try to talk about him often. i want the boys to know it's okay. i don't want him to be forgotten. ever. i want him to still be a part of our lives, and the only way that can happen is if i talk about him, and/or show the boys photos of him.

the photos above are a year old. they are from thanksgiving last year. we rented a beach house with some friends and had thanksgiving away from both of our families. it was a wonderful four days. and also happens to be the last time james and i went to the beach together. i thought about going back for thanksgiving this year. but just couldn't make myself go. i guess i'm just not ready. i love the beach. i mean love love love the beach. but it fills me with such strong emotion when i am there. because i miss it so much. and now....it would also be because i miss james. and i'm afraid if i go all the emotion i have will overpower me and i won't be able to stop it from coming out. and that might scare the boys. i try to show them my sadness a little bit at a time. i don't think it would be a good thing for them to know...just how empty i feel. how every motion is automatic. there are no feelings behind them. that i just feel empty. it's amazing you can feel that way, yet be filled with love for your kids. it all leaves me a little confused and struggling to figure it all out.

i have given a lot of thought about painting. and art journaling. not so much scrapping...but painting? yes. i hope to paint again. at some point. and to re-open my etsy shop. and to art journal. i want to. again, i just can't make myself do it. i feel like i have nothing to pull from. i just feel too empty. and exhausted. i know that if i am ever going to paint again i am going to have to figure out how to do it with the boys around. there is no 'alone' time. i used to paint when everyone was asleep. now, however, i find myself too exhausted. i am ready for bed long before the boys. i guess if it's important enough to me, i will figure out a way to make it happen. i do want to paint. i NEED to paint. just not badly enough yet i guess. i am hoping one day the urge, well i guess it's need...that the need will wash over me like a wave of passion and i won't be able to stop myself from creating. until that time i will try to get some sleep. if i could find a way to sleep at night it would help. a lot.

so now i am going to go read my second trashy novel. yes. i finished the first. first book i've read in at least two years. since james died i find that reading is a way to think about something else. at least for a while.

i wanted to take a few minutes, to express my love for my amazing little boy. alexander, you really ARE the most amazing little boy. so smart, and handsome, and...i'm proud to say....you are just like daddy. and that makes me happy.

i've also been thinking a lot lately about how lucky i am. to have spent 17 years with the most amazing man.....well...that is amazing stuff. no, he wasn't perfect. WE were not perfect. but we were the real thing. i loved him. i still love him. and he loved me. and now, when making decisions, i find myself asking what james would say. and i always know. he was always the nicer of the two of us. always. lol.... he was like my conscience. and i guess he still is. i will miss this man forever and ever. some days i still can't believe this all even happened. i just want it to so badly be a bad dream. to not be real. but i know it is. and i'm trying to adjust. WE are trying to adjust. just taking it day by day. i am trying to fill the void and be enough for our boys.