things i've been thinking about.

i will likely be posting random photos of james that i like. just because i want to.

i am pretty sure at some point my exhausted body will collapse. i hope that happens soon. i want hours and hours of deep oblivious sleep. how i wish that would happen.

i washed my sheets today. what is this of importance, you ask? well, now don't be grossed out, but i hadn't washed my sheets since james died. i didn't want to. our bed still smelled of him. his side of the bed especially. today i layed (?) who knows if that's spelled right and i'm entirely too lazy to go look it up) on his side of the bed and just breathed. weird, i know. and i cried. because i miss him. i miss the way he smells. i miss holding hands with him. just talking to him. my god, how many times a day did we talk? or email each other? or tweet each other on twitter? i miss laying with him, feeling his skin and warmth. and now my life is empty. so i washed my sheets. and it was unbelievably hard. the simple act of washing my sheets was unbelievably hard. because now there will be no more smell of james.

i want to move. i want to make a new life for us. somewhere the boys will be happy. i want to take this terrible tragedy and turn it into something better. i want to figure out what i want to do with my life and how i'm going to do it. the problem with that, however......right now i can't seem to focus. i mean literally. sometimes i just sit here in a confused state unsure of what i need to do and/or should be doing. it takes all my energy just to get through the day (and to help the boys get through their days). so i need to figure out a way to find clarity. so i can decide what i want to do. i've been told not to make any major life changes right now. that may be sound advice. i'm not sure. but i'm thinking. thinking about what i am going to do. what i want to do. and how i'm going to make it happen. big big words for me right now because literally my head hurts from trying to figure out which new insurance plan to take, how to get my will done, the billion phone calls i have to make tomorrow. but i am thinking. and it's a start. the problem with moving, (well, there are many) but the obvious one to me at this second.....i'm not sure i want to leave the house that james and i shared. that we turned into a home for us and the boys. so much to think about.

weird, random thoughts that cross my mind. i am sure i stunned james' mom and sister when i left the hospital after he died. i spent every waking second that i could with him (when i wasn't home checking on the boys) when he was in the hospital. not knowing whether he could feel me hold his hand, or kiss him, or hear my voice, or feel me lay next to him (as close as i could get with all the tubes and everything else). after he died (i layed bent over his chest, holding his hand)....well after he died, while he was dying, i told him how much i loved him. that i would be okay. that the boys would be okay. i couldn't say goodbye. i just told him how much i love him. and then i had to leave. i couldn't look at him like that any more. because that wasn't james. when he died he turned purple, and blue, and that was not james. i turned to mike (friend of ours who was in the room with me) and i told him i had to go. because i needed to be with alexander. and then ethan when he got out of school. yes, E was in school when james died. the boys couldn't see him like that. it would have scared them. so so deeply. and james wouldn't have wanted that. so after james died i went home. left the hospital. got in my car and drove home. leaving james' mom and his sister still in the hospital room. i needed to be with alexander. james died at 11:30am. when it was time to pick ethan up from school i took alexander with me and we went and got E.

when i had alexander in the car with me (while we were waiting for E to come out of his classroom) i began talking to alexander. and he finished my sentence for me. he asked me if daddy died. and i, choking back tears, told him yes. so when E got into the car, i hugged him, and then told him as well. and it was heart-breaking. for them. for me. for us. it really was one of the worst moments in my life. to have to tell my children that their father died. horrifying. absolutely horrifying.

nothing seems to keep my attention these days. movies, television....nothing. but what i've been doing is reading the trashy novel i bought to take with me to thailand. i'm reading lipstick jungle when i go to bed. reading until my eyes literally will not stay open any longer. and then i turn the light off and try to sleep. sometimes for an hour. sometimes two. always waking up i swear to god about 20 times a night. i wake up feeling as exhausted as i did when i went to bed. and for now, reading my book is the only way i can fall asleep at all. so i'm off to read a few more chapters in my trashy novel. which makes me laugh. a trashy novel. hey. it's really not that trashy. but it does, at least, for a few minutes, take my mind somewhere else which is much needed.