the gipsy kings.

i had been meaning to get into james' truck and gather up all his cd's. he had many. he had such an eclictic taste in music. from growly scare the crap out of you stuff to classical to the beastie boys to the gipsy kings. one of his favorites was me first and the gimme gimme's. one time i got into his truck (with the boys) we were going somewhere together and he had a gipsy kings cd playing. i loved it. and from now until the end of time i will think of james every time i hear one of their songs. so today i got james' cd's out of his truck and put my favorite gipsy kings cd into my car and listened to it. i had a busy busy weekend. so busy, in fact, i didn't even have time to really even feel and deal with the many emotions i was experiencing. but today...today when i put the gipsy kings cd into my car when i went to pick E up from school....wow. they all came out. like they are now as i sit here and type. yes, i am listening to the gipsy kings. it's beautiful music. it makes me sad (and happy) and miss james all at the same time. so hard to explain. right now, right this second, i miss james with every fiber of my being.

should my brother read this, i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you did for us (for james) this weekend. the rock wall looks beautiful. engraving a rock is the perfect touch. thank you for coming. thank you for staying three nights when i know you only planned on staying one. thank you for putting the play structure together. thank you for the advice on the sand. ordering it today was the right thing to do. the boys are both so excited about their new backyard. it is coming together. a bit at a time. but we'll get there. i think james would be happy. especially because it was you that finished the retaining wall. and put the play structure together. that you have been spending time with us. it means more to me than i can ever actually say to your face. because you know....i'm not good at communicating. and that made me chuckle out loud.

this past weekend was pretty amazing. neighbors, family, friends of james, co-workers of james all coming together to complete some of the projects james had started in the backyard but wasn't able to finish. my dad and his wife, their generosity in buying the play structure and all the lumber and other materials needed to frame and complete the huge-ass sand box. i have never seen such a big sandbox in my life and the boys couldn't be happier. and this is what james wanted. and what i want. so thank you to every single person who gave up your day on saturday to spend it in my backyard. it was truly amazing to see people come together like they did. why does it take such a tragic event to make it happen?

i find that when i get overwhelmed it's best to tell myself this: i'm going to do this. i just am. it's been 32 days. and it seems like a lifetime. this new existence is so different from the old (yet still the same just with a great big hole) if that makes any sense. the boys miss james. i miss james. james is glaringly absent. but we are getting through it. we will get through tomorrow. and the next day. and the next.