the end of summer is near.

painted this in my thailand journal. why pears? and why in my thailand journal? dunno. it was just what inspired me and what came out. and my thailand journal is just what happened to be nearby. and that's the way i work. i think i'll do a painting similar to this on canvas. i like it. i'll use this small piece as inspo for a larger one.

the end of summer really is near. we can no longer ride our bikes until 9 or 9:30. now it's totally dark at 8:30 and we're coming in earlier and earlier. today the high was 71 degrees. two days ago it was 98. tomorrow we're back up to the high 80s on our way back to the mid 90s. even so, the evenings are cool. a hoodie or long pants are needed for playing outside after dinner. this weekend our house has been neighborhood kid-central. kids coming and going, coming in without knocking, running around and staying until we've actually had to 'politely' suggest that they go home so we can get our own kids to bed. as i type this i still have two extra kids downstairs. i'm about to go down and suggest they go home. tomorrow it's back to second grade for E. and he's tired. he's slowly adjusting to his school schedule but E requires a lot of sleep. he's like me in that regard. so it's his bathtime and then a little quality time with dad, brush teeth, story and off to bed.

something i've been working on here and there.

emily sent me a surprise in the mail: a passport-style book (and a few other supplies including some delicous ribbon from thailand) to use to help prepare for our trip to thailand. she randomly stamped a page here and there and added the 'kimberly' stickers to the first page to get me started. i, of course, grunged that page up with ink. after that the page just felt complete so i moved on. if you have the time, click on the images to make them larger. much better that way.
i decided to use this passport book to record my feelings, and why i decided to go to thailand. i cut up some heidi swapp sticker letters, threw in some paint and machine stitching and called those two pages good.
somewhere over the last few years i have lost sight of who i am. i am a wife, and a mother, but after that i don't even know. i love my kids deeply and fiercely but i also know i need to find out who i am. now. after being with james for so many years, after being a mother for 7 years. it's time to focus a little

attention on me. to find out what it is that i want to do, what i want to be. finding an identity other than wife and mother has been something i have long sturggled with. this isn't new for me. when i saw the announcement about thailand on emily's blog something inside of me just sort of took over. i sent
an email to james with a link to emily's blog with a note that said, 'in a perfect world'. that night he came home with a book about thailand. a few days later i made up my mind and sent an email to tara and then one to emily. and now i am going to thailand.
some days it's all i can do to get up, take care of the boys, do what has to be done....and make it through the day. i have lost my passion for creating, for life. i need it back.
exhaustion like i have never felt before. maybe going to thailand will help me see things clearly.
with this trip i hope to find my way back to wanting to create...needing to create. i like the unfinished quality to this page. and the funky vase. love love love funky old vases. as if anyone who has ever seen any of my paintings wouldn't know that already.

these are the pages i have made so far. working in this passport book is the first creating i've done in a long time.

the fair (part 2). i told you it was coming.

i meant to post this at the end. but i didn't. so here it is at the beginning. this was at the very end of the night right before we left. two happy boys. i had to capture the moment (because they were being so nice to each other).

alexander on the tugboat ride. again.

Ethan on the dragon rollercoaster.
E on this big maze thing where there was a slide at the end to get down.
me and alexander (and next to me are james' mom and cousin brian).
alexander giving brian a hug. so cute.
after the hug, yet another time on the jets. but just look at them. they were so happy.

the fair (part 1). yes. this will be a two-parter.

on thursday of last week we went to the state fair with james' family. there were 12 of us 6 of which were children.

this is alexander on the jets. he LOVED this ride. if you're willing to take the time, you really should click on the photos to make them bigger. much better that way.
i handed the camera to james to collect alexander at the exit of the jets ride and he snapped our pic. for some reason in this photo alexander doesn't look happy. but trust me. he was. he was happy all night long. and we didn't get home until 11pm!!
in the front is joey (james' sister's youngest). in the back row (left to right) is of course E, then justin (james' sister's as well). next to justin is brian (james' brother's little boy) and of course next to brian is alexander. they all went on the tugboat ride and had a great time.
alexander back on the jets again. i'm telling ya....the kid LOVED that ride.
james somehow managed to take this photo of me, alexander and auntie trish (james' cheeseball sister). and i mean the cheeseball thing in a loving way, not a mean way! lol....

and what do we have here???? oh, it's just my loving husband flippin' me the bird!!! all because HE had to go on this ride and not me. ha!!! sweet, isn't he? joey, our nephew (trish's youngest) really wanted to go on this ride (where you lay down) so uncle james took him.

james and E on a pretty fast-moving ride. you can tell it's going fast because about 10 inches of james' hair is behind him. yep. the dude has very long hair right now.

i have more pics. many many more pics. be prepared. i may....heck...who am i kidding....i WILL post a couple more sometime soon. we always have a good time at the fair. well....mostly the boys do. but it's something we've always done with james' family and i would like to keep that tradition.

the one person i miss during this time is james' dad.

fun was had by all. the boys were dirty, i mean their feet were filthy!!! they were stuffed full of fair food (omg....ICK)...but they loved it. and we'll probably go back next year. back later with more pics. but just a few, i promise.

first day of second grade.

alexander is tired. very very tired. we have had a whirlwind two weeks. he was excited to go play out on the second grade playground but his energy quickly ran out so he sat down for a little rest. alexander had mixed emotions today. he wants E to go back to school (alexander says E picks on him too much) but alexander will miss E. they do play nicely together from time to time. alexander is also sad that he's not getting to go to school. i told him next year will be his year.
i watched E and alexander walk into school. i love a shot from the back. i have a similar shot from kindergarten and first grade as well.
just hangin', waiting for the bell to ring. E is on the right by the red pole. you can tell my kid. he's the one with the longest hair.
alexander on the monkey bars. he LOVES the monkey bars.
E and mrs. dolan (his teacher) on the way into class after the bell rang.

i sent E off with his backpack stuffed with school supplies and his lunchbox. i put a little note in his lunchbox telling him to have a great first day of second grade and that i love him. i hope he really does have a great first day of second grade. he was very excited this morning to be going back to school!

mikhail baryshnikov.

fairly current photo i think.
i find him extremely sexy..... his body, his accent....
back in the day...what must his life have been like. powerful yet graceful, he really is a beautiful man.

just thought i would share my love of mikhial.

some of what we've been up to lately.

on wednesday we drove to california to see james' aunt anna. she has a pool so the boys played and had a great time. this is E swimming.
here's a shot of cousins (and my kids) and also just leaving the frame is will, james' brother.
alexander loves to float around in his fish. the weather was perfect, much fun was had and best of all james brought me a margarita to sip while i sat poolside keeping an eye on all the boys.

the key to longevity.

as an artist i am constantly changing, evolving.
you need to be inspired by current trends, fasion, pretty much anything and everything.
BUT....you must always be you.
i am gearing up.
getting ready to shift my attention back to creating art.
it seems to come in waves for me. in cycles.
when it all finally overcomes me i hope i will have some kid-free time to let it rip.

emotions are messy.

why is it that my emotions are bottled up until i watch a movie.
instead of being content with what i have i WANT the 'romance' of what i'm watching.
i can feel others' pain but don't recognize my own. UNTIL i watch a movie. then it comes pouring out.
for some reason i go through most days emotionless. i smile, and laugh....but i don't really feel it until i'm alone. or watching a mvie, or a complete season of a television show.
i crave romance. even a show like sex and the city can make me cry. WTF is up with that.

summer is winding down.

from the olympics, i have been interested in three things. womens' gymnastics ( and mens' too, how could i not want the underdog USA team to win a medal?), dara torres and last but not least, michael phelps. other than that? i don't watch. mostly it was the womens' gymnastics and michael phelps. i may have gazed at all the amazing perfectly defined and in shape bodies. wow. like holy crap wow. i wish i had some of their motivation/determination.

ethan and alexander's cousins are leaving tomorrow morning (and the boys are not happy about it). i think they've all had a pretty fun week at auntie's. how could they not with going to the park, eating ice cream, going to the marina, bike riding, video games, going to the lake and to the water park. who wouldn't want to come to auntie's house. the food has been pretty good too if i do say so myself. more time consuming to feed that many, but it is most definitely do-able. we have put our brand new table to good use. everyone had a place at the table. nice.
summer is winding down. school starts in just over a week. it is getting dark earlier (boo, hiss)....we have had, however, a heat wave through here the last few days. triple digits. our air conditioner has definitely been working overtime. it's 11:30pm and it is still on.
i really wish next week could be filled with fulfilling my 'i want to's' instead of the 'i need to's and i will do's'. i would love to drive over to the coast for a few days. but that won't be happening.
being that i haven't painted in almost three months, i hope to change that sometime soon. i can feel the urge bubbling back up to the top. i haven't had the opportunity (or energy really) to paint, or art journal. i am hoping when E goes back to school i can change that. there are just only so many hours in the day. and none of them seem to be spent in that way. it's again all about the cycles and how i do not have my life in balance.
now i am off to take more allergy medicine. i will soon be going to bed. i do have an early call. and it is SO hard for me to wake up when i get so little sleep. i had two nights that i actually slept a couple hours in a row but seem to be back to tossing and turning all night. which is SO irritating. and exhausting.

seriously crazy day.

took the boys to lake tahoe.
poor little alexander was wiped. out. fell asleep in the car on the way home. SO cute.
christine came so james and i got a surprise date night.
we went to dinner and then saw the new batman movie.
came home, helped get everyone ready for bed.
tomorrow the boys and i are off to wild waters (our local water park).
now i'm going to catch up on the olympics, watch a little sex and the city then go to bed.

when times were simpler.

for some reason i have been thinking a lot about what life used to be like. like right after high school. no obligations. nothing but freedom. i did not have the responsibilities i have now.

the biggest decision i used to have to make was whether to have another drink or if, perhaps 8 margaritas was enough. i didn't think about the future. i thought about right now. when does that change? i miss that freedom. i'm not saying i would trade my life for what it used to be...but damn. i sure love that time of my life. i guess i'm just feeling meloncholy.

life is all about choices. i question mine from time to time. you are ultimately responsible for yourself, but when you are married, and have children it's no longer black and white. that makes it much hard to make the decisions that may be right for just you.

and totally unrelated, holy crap the athletes in the olympics.....their bodies.....did i already say holy crap???!!! they are machines. impressive perfect bodies.

i have five boys in my house.

i know of late my blog has been fairly negative. i'm trying to work through that. let me just say that these last few months have been some of the hardest of my life. i have mentioned the usual things, and other things here and there. i haven't really gone into it in much detail. one of the biggest problems has been exhaustion. i have never felt such exhaustion in my life.

on another note......my brother (he lives in california) drove over today and brought with him his three boys. kyler is 10 (will be 11 next month). the twins, sawyer and riley, are 8 (they will be 9 in december). i love my nephews. they are staying with us for a week. and let me tell you. it. is.. crazy. and loud. but good. today was filled with video games, running around screaming out of pure joy and bike riding.

tomorrow we are off to the park for a picnic lunch. then we are headed to swensons for ice cream. and i am sure more video games and bike riding as well. my brother is back at home. it's pretty much just me and five boys.

i never really realized until today what an assembly line it takes to feed five boys. and holy crap the amount of food they went through just today. now all five boys (and james) are in bed. aaaaaaaaah. it's quiet. at least until they wake up in the morning. lol... i do, however, enjoy spending time with my nephews. i don't get to see enough of them. ethan and alexander have been looking forward to this. i just hope i can keep them all entertained and happy for the next week.

what i wouldn't give....

what i wouldn't give for someone to gently put their hand on my back. just a gentle touch.
what i wouldn't give for someone to rub my right ankle (i hurt it today).
what i wouldn't give for james to wake up rested and feel good.
what i wouldn't give for james to smile. a genuine smile.
what i wouldn't give to want to be with my kids 24/7. i wish i never needed a break. but i do.
what i wouldn't give to have no stress in my life.
what i wouldn't give to feel like i have support, that i'm not in this alone.
what i wouldn't give to wake up with purpose.
what i wouldn't give to wake up feeling energized.
what i wouldn't give to have peace and contentment. true happiness.
i could go on. but instead i will go read story and put the children to bed.

re-do.

tonight after dinner the boys wanted to ride their bikes. it's what we do in the evenings. so i took the opportunity to get a photo of alexander riding that doesn't suck ass.

also got this photo of ethan. i should have been yelling at him to get down. but...uh....instead i, being the great mother than i am, snapped the shot. i'm happy to report we did NOT have to visit the emergency room from this evening's ride.

i have been tagged by the fabulous amie.

here are my six random things:

1. the other day i listened to some old cd's. i mean OLD. tracy chapman, in particular. whenever i hear her, it reminds me of my old boyfriend, timothy, and the time i went to visit him in newport, oregon. he was in the coast guard and was stationed there.

2. i have a thing for men in uniform. particularly the coast guard. did i mention i dated a guy who was a coastie? um, actually i dated a couple of 'em. not of course, at the same time. geez. i AM a lady! (to anyone who is now laughing their ass off, knock it off. i was serious).

3. when i was at the grocery store today i did not buy the bag of oreo cookies that i wanted. but damn i wish i would have. i would be eating them now if i did.

4. about three weeks ago i cut my left index finger very deeply (and right through my fingernail). it bled like a son of a bitch and it still hurts. i'm missing a chunk of fingernail and keep catching that finger on stuff.

5. i love the smell of rain. we have a 50% chance of rain here tomorrow. here's hopin'!

6. i am in dire need of new bras and underwear. seriously.

this is the part where i'm supposed to tag six people...but i'm entirely too lazy. so...if you read this long blog post, consider yourself tagged. post your 6 randoms and link me up.

so proud of alexander.

alexander rode his bike with no training wheels today for the first time!! he's four! and yes, i know the photos suck ass. tell me about it.
the first photo looks like it was dark. while it was definitely dusk, it wasn't as dark as it seems. i clearly just do not know how to use my camera. i was trying to capture the moment but uh.....yeah...the old camera was not set correctly.

i am so proud of alexander! proud and sad at the same time!! he is my baby. my little boy no longer needs training wheels! i am an emotional basket case becasue typing this is almost making me cry! i was just thinking this is the house my kids are growing up in. they learned to ride their bikes in front of the house on this street.

it really wasn't that long ago that we took E's training wheels off. i remember a neighbor coming up to use a couple weeks after and saying they watched us, as james and i helped E, and taught him how to ride without his training wheels. it's like a private moment for the world to see. it's kind of nice that someone else took joy in watching us teach our boys how to ride their bikes. my kids will have memories of their lives in this house. they are old enough to start remembering things from their childhood. sometimes i just think to myself, holy crap. i have kids?! really?!! it just blows me away. i am just so happy for alexander. he was proud of himself and my heart is so full of love for that little boy.......that amazing, smart, handsome, wonderful little boy. alexander, one day you will read this. i just want you to know how proud of you i am, and how happy you make me. i love you.

trying to find my way out.

all day long my mind is a pile of mush.
only when i work out do i find clarity. brief minutes of clarity.
why is that?
a benefit of exercise? ~GASP~ there really ARE benefits???!!
how can it be then, that as soon as i stop that clarity is gone and i again delve deep back into nothingness.
why can't i keep my thoughts straight?
why can't i work it all out enough so that i can have an intelligent conversation and actually know what i want to say. actually know what is wrong. and how to fix it. or even begin to address it.
instead i sit quietly. saying nothing. but wanting to say everything.

a no photo post.

i just want to disappear inside myself.
shrink away.
i feel lost, like there is nothing i can do to stop this downward spiral.
how can i reach out to him?
how can i help him?
why do i feel like it's my fault. i don't really think it is. it just feels that way.
how do i break down these barriers and make my life what i want it to be.
how do i take control?
for some reason i cannot see myself as what i want to be. this is a loss of power.
what are the defining moments in my life?
how do i be myself when i'm not even sure what that is anymore.

i weigh too much.

Damnoen Saduak floating market.
pretty freakin' cool.
not my photo (borrowed from google images).

july 22nd. 5 more weeks until school starts for E.

worked out today. went for a walk today too. a long one.
worked out yesterday.
and i'll work out tomorrow.
all to no avail. i cannot lose a freaking pound to save my life. WTF is up with that.
i will get on the scale in the morning. lets just hope it doesn't yell at me to get the hell off. i NEED it to go down. just a pound. one pound. and then i'll go from there.

going camping this weekend. should be good for the boys. maybe james too (to take a break from building the retaining wall).

going to go watch deadliest catch.
then go to bed. so i can toss and turn. yippy!!!!!!!!!!!! if only i could sleep. just one night.

i'm afraid to go to bed.

is my table here yet? no? why the hell not. i want my table.
i am afraid to go to bed. it's when i go to bed that i toss and turn. sleep for 20 minutes then wake up feeling the river of snot coming out of my nose will never stop. oh. sorry. was that too graphic for you?
i really am scared to go to bed. it's almost as if my allergies are waiting. waiting for me to get comfortable and TRY to fall asleep. do i have some internal allergy alarm clock that oh, say about 2am decides it MUST go off??? oh, some nights i'm lucky. it happens at 3am. OR...it happens at 2am and then at 3am E wakes up crying for some reason or another. and then i am up. until 5am. or 6am. just in time to catch a snooze before alexander is awake (which means so am i).
i should go to bed. i need to go to bed. but i am afraid. very afraid. i am soooooo fucking tired of waking up 50 million times a night. but especially, for the last...hmm...what is it now? three weeks??? waking up because my allergies are so bad i literally cannot breathe. so i go sit in the shower and let the steam fill my face and lungs. i sit in the shower until the hot water runs out. then i take more allergy pills and try to go to sleep because no matter how hard i try, i can't keep the morning from coming. i must rise and shine. waaaay toooo early.
off to load up on allergy pills and try yet again. here's hoping i sleep. i am beginning to wonder just how much a body can take. just how much lack of sleep can i handle? wait. do i really want to know the answer to that?!! no. i do not. maybe tonight will be the night that i sleep. i hope.
and WTH. a post without a pic?? yeah. um...haven't taken any pics in a while. i should get on that. i'll add that to the list of the other million trillion things i should do.
and yes. i have seen an allergy doctor.
even prescription drugs do not work.
i am allergies to...wait. it will be quicker to tell you what i'm NOT allergic to. so the shots thing??? yeah. um. no. not happening.
when does summer end???
or when can i move.
it's like, holy crap. i wake up (after barely sleeping) and feel like crap. i get up, shower and feel a bit better. for a while. then it all starts over again.
maybe if i never leave my house the allergies will subside? at least briefly???
dramatic sounding, i know. i guess that's what lack of sleep does to a woman! lol....
now i really am off to medicate myself and try to sleep.
am i a broken record?? do i ever talk about anything other than not sleeping and allergies? can you say.........boring??!!! ah. yes. the exciting life i lead. heh! lol....

so.........date night.........it went like this.......

why is there a picture of a table on my blog? read on.

so, you're wondering how our date night went, right??!! THERE WAS NO DATE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol...... try as he might, james was unable to locate someone to watch the boys. so we took them out to dinner with us. but hey. it was better than me cooking and me doing the dishes!!

so.....on the way home i said to james, 'i'd really like to go to world market.' in case you are unaware, world market is one of my absolute favorite stores. i wanted to look for a little bag that i can take to thailand with me. just something small (that will fit in my carry on that i can take out and use while there)....to carry what i need while out and about. didn't find any little bag....but james DID find a beautiful dining room table and chairs. he found it. not me. HE brought it to my attention. i did not go looking for it. now. that being said, we are now the proud new owners of a new dining room table and chairs!!! LOL!! not the best time to buy a table and chairs. i JUST bought my airplane tickets to bangkok. the table was on clearance. the chairs were on clearance. and i am in love.



here is one of my deepest darkest secrets. are you ready?? well.....are you???!! i have an itty bitty dining room table. i HATE my itty bitty dining room table. james and i have had it for probably 15 years. it seats 4. yes. i said 4. while that's all fine and great when it's the just the four of us........several times a year we have family visit. we often entertain for dinner. a table that seats 4? NOT conducive to entertaining. i'm happy to report my new table will seat 10. it pulls out with a nice big leaf. aaaaaaaaah. i can't wait. it's being sent to the store from the warehouse next week. how could i pass up the deal?? everything was on clearance. and anyway. it's james' fault. ;) you have no idea how excited i am. we almost bought a new table last year at the beginning of december. we decided we couldn't afford it....we would wait. well....we still can't afford it. lol...but we did it anyway! i can't wait for it to be inside my house. a table that comfortably seats 6, 8....even 10 people??!! ~thud~ that's me passing out from giddiness and joy.



i went to world market's website to look for a photo of the table and chairs but it's not listed on their site. the closest thing i could find is the photo i posted above. our new table is dark....that deep rich almost black color. it's beautiful. and seriously. i think i am going to pass out. i have waited. and waited. and waited for a new table. yippy!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol... as long as there are no problems getting the table from the warehouse i'll be all set! and i can't wait.

so james' date night? set him back.......oh.........close to a grand! ha!!!!!! that'll teach him to ever take me out again. LOL!

i'm just a little fired up.

i take E to his 7 year check up yesterday. it's all good. no shots. he's tall...and healthy....but when it comes to the part where she (pediatrician) asks E if he is playing sports, he says no. i go on to add, 'yeah, he decided this year he didn't want to play soccer, or baseball, OR take swim lessons.' E goes through phases. phases where he is soooooooooooooooooooooo difficult. and this is one of them. so the ped says, 'well, it's up to you (meaning me) to make it seem exciting for him, entice him to want to play.' i'm like...uh.....yeah. (thinking to myself) have you lived with my kid???!! do you have ANY freaking idea how exhausting he can be?? NO?? well then, shut the fuck up. so i smile, nod my head and leave. she doesn't get it. she doesn't know my kid. he's not bad. he's a good kid. but damn is he difficult at times. fights me on EVERYTHING. brushing his hair. taking a bath. reading. there are times i think he is deaf (to my voice only).

so between my allergies kicking my ass (no medication i have ever taken works for more than 20 minutes), being worried about james (how tired he's been), struggling with E, not sleeping, just trying to get through the summer (and that's no way to live)....i am done. i swear to god if i have to decide just one more night what to have for dinner and then cook it i am going to >insert me pretend stabbing myself in the heart here<. lol... i am sure it will get better. if only i could snap my fingers and make it all perfect. right now. wouldn't that be nice?

i've been thinking. warning **long post**

i've been doing some thinking. some soul searching, really. it occurred to me today, while sitting with alexander, that i have been feeling intimidated. intimidated by emily falconbridge, and tara whitney, and the other 7 wonderful women i will be going to thailand with. i am always doubting myself. always feeling like i need to explain myself, that i'm not good enough. and then i thought to myself. damn. that is a lot of wasted energy. seriously. i have got to stop looking at myself in such a negative light. i do not judge other people. why is it i often feel judged by others. i choose to stay home and raise my children. later, when i feel it's time i will do something else. i have already started down that path (in opening my etsy shop). in painting again. but the time is not here yet. the boys are still young. it seems like it takes forever, but it's really the blink of an eye. before i know it, alexander will be in school all day like ethan. i know i would regret not having spent this time with them.

my priorities are changing. my children (and james) are still at the top. but i'm also beginning to place importance on myself, to understand it's okay to let the other parts of me out, that i don't have to just be a wife and mom. i can (and should) find my own way in this life. that i have an identity other than mom, and wife. and that's okay. it's more than okay. it's necessary. it's all a constant struggle for balance, and that is something that doesn't come easily to me. why is my first instinct to place everyone else first? does that benefit my children? perhaps...depending on the scenario....but i also want to teach them to value women. i want to be a good rounded role model for the boys.

this constant questioning myself, editing myself, feeling like i don't have anything to offer....it's got to stop. it's not going to be easy. i have been down this road for a loooong time. it's exhausting, always wondering...replaying...questioning....i just want to live. and while i say i don't really give a flying f*ck what others think, that's not 100% true. for the most part it's true, but in the aspects of my life that i feel are very important to me personally (my art, scrapping and art journal)....it's not true. that is something i struggle with.

not sleeping does not help any of this. insomnia, allergies, being a night owl to begin with, never having time to create except when the boys and james are sleeping....none of that helps matters. i still need to figure out how to not be so utterly and completely exhausted. that will help me feel creative again. when i am tired, i just don't feel it. at all. so i sit. and do not create. anything.

i haven't really been feeling very social. which is odd. because i've been spending a lot of time with jan. she makes me laugh. she and i have a lot in common and i really enjoy spending time with her. but i've been quiet. and just today figured out that it's because i feel intimidated by everyone i am going to thailand with. at least now that i have figured out what has been bothering me i can move on. i haven't felt like scrapping, painting, or working in my art journal. that is the stuff that used to help me, make me feel better. so while E and james were at a birthday party, and alexander was resting, i sat down at my table and scrapped this page. for me, it's about getting the emotion out. i am done with design teams and blah blah blah. that's not what it is about for me. maybe some day i will want to go that route again, but not right now.

i hope to return from thailand feeling independent, recharged (socially, emotionally)...and with new purpose.

james just took this pic.

real time. well....sort of. the pic isn't doctored in any way. you'll have to ignore the i've been at the lake all day hair. and i didn't search for a photo that makes me look skinny, so if you ask me, that's about as real time as there is. ha. the boys and i were sitting out front. they were playing, i was catching up on my laptop (after being at the lake all day). james got home from work about 7:30 and for whatever reason, snapped this pic (using his blackberry).

wanna see a cute kid?

stinking freaking adorable (if i do say so myself). this was alexander a couple of weeks ago.

why can i not motivate myself to clean the house. do i LIKE living in a sty? um. NO. do i think the house cleaning fairies are going to magically appear? um. yeah. that's a no too. but hey. a girl can dream. maybe one day the house cleaning fairies AND the dinner cooking fairies will both magically appear at my doorstep. wouldn't that be nice. in the meantime, i guess i'll continue to live in a not 100% clean house. at least until thursday. tomorrow i'm off to lake tahoe for some fun in the sun.

stream of consciousness.

we make hundreds of choices on any given day.

in your life, are there choices you would change?

how do you keep from bring affected by someone else's mood?

the loud clanging and banging....the frustration....you're not sure...is it your fault?

how do you not let that bad energy affect you...while at the same time, trying to be understanding.

if there are typos in here it's because i have a huge bandage on my left index finger and i'm not going back and fixing 'em.

so what's the secret? how do you maintain your flow of energy.

and how do you know when it's time, and okay to make a choice that is good for you and you only.

what i'd really like to know is how do i get back my identity? how do i stand on my own and not be affected by the mood. yes, i am part of a couple...but i am also an individual. and should be less affected in that regard.

i think if you're not happy, and you can change that, you should. if what you're currently doing isn't fully working for you, and you can do something to change it....you must. the art journal page here is not new but does convey how i'm currently feeling. nothing like a little electrical tape and paint that can't make you feel better, right? too bad i feel absolutely uncreative tonight or i could have gone upstairs and made a new page.

yeah. now that's what i'm talking about!!!

alexander in the surf. YES. tahoe had a surf. it was almost like being at the ocean.




ethan having fun in the waves.



we went to tahoe with a bunch of people. this is rachael (our friends' daughter) getting james with a bucket FULL of cold tahoe water. gotta love it that i just happened to catch the shot!



what's time at the beach if you don't bury someone! elizabeth started it but alexander was more than happy to pile the sand on his daddy, then WALK on him to pile on more!!! lol....

all in all we had a really great day. i didn't take my camera to the fireworks. i figured i had taken more than enough photos at the lake. and i wanted to enjoy cuddling with alexander under a blanket and listening to his reaction to the fireworks. i held him in my lap the entire time and loved every single minute of it. the thing that made me laugh?? alexander saying, "yeah, that's what i'm talking about" when the big really great fireworks went off. such a funny kid.

randomness.

random thailand photo i got from google images.
feeling drugged up (way toooo many allergy meds). that don't work worth a crap.
wishing for enough free time so i could sleep, eat (things that are bad for me), scrap, art journal and paint. haven't painted since june 5th or 6th. can't remember.
always feeling like time is running out. why is that?
now i am going to go make dinner.
tomorrow we're going to the lake with friends but coming back early enough so alexander can take a rest. after that, same friends over for a bbq, i'm making strawberry shortcake...then off to fireworks. happy 4th!