my house.

we are still scheduled to move in mid-march. looking forward to it. having a really really hard time living in the rental house. partly because we are living half packed/half unpacked. can't make the rental 'ours' because, well...it's not ours.

making a hundred million trillion house decisions. it's overwhelming. i am not complaining. i realize i am lucky i can do this. i just never realized exactly how much i relied on james for these kinds of decisions.

put up a cheesy white christmas tree. wanted something different this year though it really made me miss the smell of a real tree. went all martha stewart on it. silver and turquoise blue ornaments. a silver fairy/angel on top. it will be a small christmas for us. a different christmas. since i moved away from everyone, no one is coming here and we aren't going anywhere. it will be hard for the boys (they are used to mass chaos) and being surrounded by family. but it is what it is. this time of year makes me miss james even more, if that's even possible.

appreciating where i live. loving it. not loving being a single parent. but whatever. don't have any choice in the matter. crabbing season opened here a few days ago. i went to the beach the other day and watched the sun set. today i ate crab until i could barely move. gotta love that.

sleep schedule is all kinds of fucked up. back to waking up at 3am. or 4am. or 5am. and waking up a hundred times a night. a bit of sleep is a rare commodity. something i am grateful for when it happens. i try really really hard not to take anything for granted. smells, the way something feels....an hour or two of sleep....how blue the sky is....the fact it hasn't rained in a week. i love the rain. but even so, have learned to appreciate the blue sky (much more than i ever did) before i moved here.

really looking forward to being in our own house again. to making it ours. i like going over there, and watching the progress. the boys do too. doing that has helped make it feel like home even before we've moved in.

back to the christmas thing. it just doesn't feel like christmas. mostly because i am over it. only doing it for the boys. i have 100% totally and completely lost my joy and happiness for this time of year (which is sad because it used to be my favorite time of the year). went and bought a wreath so i could have the smell of a tree. thought it would help. but...uh....yeah. no. didn't help. love the smell....but i still am just over the christmas thing. related to being in the rental, too, i think. it just doesn't feel like christmas because the rental just doesn't feel like home. hard to not love the house you're living in while at the same loving the place you live.