a no photo post.

i just want to disappear inside myself.
shrink away.
i feel lost, like there is nothing i can do to stop this downward spiral.
how can i reach out to him?
how can i help him?
why do i feel like it's my fault. i don't really think it is. it just feels that way.
how do i break down these barriers and make my life what i want it to be.
how do i take control?
for some reason i cannot see myself as what i want to be. this is a loss of power.
what are the defining moments in my life?
how do i be myself when i'm not even sure what that is anymore.

i weigh too much.

Damnoen Saduak floating market.
pretty freakin' cool.
not my photo (borrowed from google images).

july 22nd. 5 more weeks until school starts for E.

worked out today. went for a walk today too. a long one.
worked out yesterday.
and i'll work out tomorrow.
all to no avail. i cannot lose a freaking pound to save my life. WTF is up with that.
i will get on the scale in the morning. lets just hope it doesn't yell at me to get the hell off. i NEED it to go down. just a pound. one pound. and then i'll go from there.

going camping this weekend. should be good for the boys. maybe james too (to take a break from building the retaining wall).

going to go watch deadliest catch.
then go to bed. so i can toss and turn. yippy!!!!!!!!!!!! if only i could sleep. just one night.

i'm afraid to go to bed.

is my table here yet? no? why the hell not. i want my table.
i am afraid to go to bed. it's when i go to bed that i toss and turn. sleep for 20 minutes then wake up feeling the river of snot coming out of my nose will never stop. oh. sorry. was that too graphic for you?
i really am scared to go to bed. it's almost as if my allergies are waiting. waiting for me to get comfortable and TRY to fall asleep. do i have some internal allergy alarm clock that oh, say about 2am decides it MUST go off??? oh, some nights i'm lucky. it happens at 3am. OR...it happens at 2am and then at 3am E wakes up crying for some reason or another. and then i am up. until 5am. or 6am. just in time to catch a snooze before alexander is awake (which means so am i).
i should go to bed. i need to go to bed. but i am afraid. very afraid. i am soooooo fucking tired of waking up 50 million times a night. but especially, for the last...hmm...what is it now? three weeks??? waking up because my allergies are so bad i literally cannot breathe. so i go sit in the shower and let the steam fill my face and lungs. i sit in the shower until the hot water runs out. then i take more allergy pills and try to go to sleep because no matter how hard i try, i can't keep the morning from coming. i must rise and shine. waaaay toooo early.
off to load up on allergy pills and try yet again. here's hoping i sleep. i am beginning to wonder just how much a body can take. just how much lack of sleep can i handle? wait. do i really want to know the answer to that?!! no. i do not. maybe tonight will be the night that i sleep. i hope.
and WTH. a post without a pic?? yeah. um...haven't taken any pics in a while. i should get on that. i'll add that to the list of the other million trillion things i should do.
and yes. i have seen an allergy doctor.
even prescription drugs do not work.
i am allergies to...wait. it will be quicker to tell you what i'm NOT allergic to. so the shots thing??? yeah. um. no. not happening.
when does summer end???
or when can i move.
it's like, holy crap. i wake up (after barely sleeping) and feel like crap. i get up, shower and feel a bit better. for a while. then it all starts over again.
maybe if i never leave my house the allergies will subside? at least briefly???
dramatic sounding, i know. i guess that's what lack of sleep does to a woman! lol....
now i really am off to medicate myself and try to sleep.
am i a broken record?? do i ever talk about anything other than not sleeping and allergies? can you say.........boring??!!! ah. yes. the exciting life i lead. heh! lol....

so.........date night.........it went like this.......

why is there a picture of a table on my blog? read on.

so, you're wondering how our date night went, right??!! THERE WAS NO DATE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol...... try as he might, james was unable to locate someone to watch the boys. so we took them out to dinner with us. but hey. it was better than me cooking and me doing the dishes!!

so.....on the way home i said to james, 'i'd really like to go to world market.' in case you are unaware, world market is one of my absolute favorite stores. i wanted to look for a little bag that i can take to thailand with me. just something small (that will fit in my carry on that i can take out and use while there)....to carry what i need while out and about. didn't find any little bag....but james DID find a beautiful dining room table and chairs. he found it. not me. HE brought it to my attention. i did not go looking for it. now. that being said, we are now the proud new owners of a new dining room table and chairs!!! LOL!! not the best time to buy a table and chairs. i JUST bought my airplane tickets to bangkok. the table was on clearance. the chairs were on clearance. and i am in love.



here is one of my deepest darkest secrets. are you ready?? well.....are you???!! i have an itty bitty dining room table. i HATE my itty bitty dining room table. james and i have had it for probably 15 years. it seats 4. yes. i said 4. while that's all fine and great when it's the just the four of us........several times a year we have family visit. we often entertain for dinner. a table that seats 4? NOT conducive to entertaining. i'm happy to report my new table will seat 10. it pulls out with a nice big leaf. aaaaaaaaah. i can't wait. it's being sent to the store from the warehouse next week. how could i pass up the deal?? everything was on clearance. and anyway. it's james' fault. ;) you have no idea how excited i am. we almost bought a new table last year at the beginning of december. we decided we couldn't afford it....we would wait. well....we still can't afford it. lol...but we did it anyway! i can't wait for it to be inside my house. a table that comfortably seats 6, 8....even 10 people??!! ~thud~ that's me passing out from giddiness and joy.



i went to world market's website to look for a photo of the table and chairs but it's not listed on their site. the closest thing i could find is the photo i posted above. our new table is dark....that deep rich almost black color. it's beautiful. and seriously. i think i am going to pass out. i have waited. and waited. and waited for a new table. yippy!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol... as long as there are no problems getting the table from the warehouse i'll be all set! and i can't wait.

so james' date night? set him back.......oh.........close to a grand! ha!!!!!! that'll teach him to ever take me out again. LOL!

i'm just a little fired up.

i take E to his 7 year check up yesterday. it's all good. no shots. he's tall...and healthy....but when it comes to the part where she (pediatrician) asks E if he is playing sports, he says no. i go on to add, 'yeah, he decided this year he didn't want to play soccer, or baseball, OR take swim lessons.' E goes through phases. phases where he is soooooooooooooooooooooo difficult. and this is one of them. so the ped says, 'well, it's up to you (meaning me) to make it seem exciting for him, entice him to want to play.' i'm like...uh.....yeah. (thinking to myself) have you lived with my kid???!! do you have ANY freaking idea how exhausting he can be?? NO?? well then, shut the fuck up. so i smile, nod my head and leave. she doesn't get it. she doesn't know my kid. he's not bad. he's a good kid. but damn is he difficult at times. fights me on EVERYTHING. brushing his hair. taking a bath. reading. there are times i think he is deaf (to my voice only).

so between my allergies kicking my ass (no medication i have ever taken works for more than 20 minutes), being worried about james (how tired he's been), struggling with E, not sleeping, just trying to get through the summer (and that's no way to live)....i am done. i swear to god if i have to decide just one more night what to have for dinner and then cook it i am going to >insert me pretend stabbing myself in the heart here<. lol... i am sure it will get better. if only i could snap my fingers and make it all perfect. right now. wouldn't that be nice?

i've been thinking. warning **long post**

i've been doing some thinking. some soul searching, really. it occurred to me today, while sitting with alexander, that i have been feeling intimidated. intimidated by emily falconbridge, and tara whitney, and the other 7 wonderful women i will be going to thailand with. i am always doubting myself. always feeling like i need to explain myself, that i'm not good enough. and then i thought to myself. damn. that is a lot of wasted energy. seriously. i have got to stop looking at myself in such a negative light. i do not judge other people. why is it i often feel judged by others. i choose to stay home and raise my children. later, when i feel it's time i will do something else. i have already started down that path (in opening my etsy shop). in painting again. but the time is not here yet. the boys are still young. it seems like it takes forever, but it's really the blink of an eye. before i know it, alexander will be in school all day like ethan. i know i would regret not having spent this time with them.

my priorities are changing. my children (and james) are still at the top. but i'm also beginning to place importance on myself, to understand it's okay to let the other parts of me out, that i don't have to just be a wife and mom. i can (and should) find my own way in this life. that i have an identity other than mom, and wife. and that's okay. it's more than okay. it's necessary. it's all a constant struggle for balance, and that is something that doesn't come easily to me. why is my first instinct to place everyone else first? does that benefit my children? perhaps...depending on the scenario....but i also want to teach them to value women. i want to be a good rounded role model for the boys.

this constant questioning myself, editing myself, feeling like i don't have anything to offer....it's got to stop. it's not going to be easy. i have been down this road for a loooong time. it's exhausting, always wondering...replaying...questioning....i just want to live. and while i say i don't really give a flying f*ck what others think, that's not 100% true. for the most part it's true, but in the aspects of my life that i feel are very important to me personally (my art, scrapping and art journal)....it's not true. that is something i struggle with.

not sleeping does not help any of this. insomnia, allergies, being a night owl to begin with, never having time to create except when the boys and james are sleeping....none of that helps matters. i still need to figure out how to not be so utterly and completely exhausted. that will help me feel creative again. when i am tired, i just don't feel it. at all. so i sit. and do not create. anything.

i haven't really been feeling very social. which is odd. because i've been spending a lot of time with jan. she makes me laugh. she and i have a lot in common and i really enjoy spending time with her. but i've been quiet. and just today figured out that it's because i feel intimidated by everyone i am going to thailand with. at least now that i have figured out what has been bothering me i can move on. i haven't felt like scrapping, painting, or working in my art journal. that is the stuff that used to help me, make me feel better. so while E and james were at a birthday party, and alexander was resting, i sat down at my table and scrapped this page. for me, it's about getting the emotion out. i am done with design teams and blah blah blah. that's not what it is about for me. maybe some day i will want to go that route again, but not right now.

i hope to return from thailand feeling independent, recharged (socially, emotionally)...and with new purpose.

james just took this pic.

real time. well....sort of. the pic isn't doctored in any way. you'll have to ignore the i've been at the lake all day hair. and i didn't search for a photo that makes me look skinny, so if you ask me, that's about as real time as there is. ha. the boys and i were sitting out front. they were playing, i was catching up on my laptop (after being at the lake all day). james got home from work about 7:30 and for whatever reason, snapped this pic (using his blackberry).

wanna see a cute kid?

stinking freaking adorable (if i do say so myself). this was alexander a couple of weeks ago.

why can i not motivate myself to clean the house. do i LIKE living in a sty? um. NO. do i think the house cleaning fairies are going to magically appear? um. yeah. that's a no too. but hey. a girl can dream. maybe one day the house cleaning fairies AND the dinner cooking fairies will both magically appear at my doorstep. wouldn't that be nice. in the meantime, i guess i'll continue to live in a not 100% clean house. at least until thursday. tomorrow i'm off to lake tahoe for some fun in the sun.

stream of consciousness.

we make hundreds of choices on any given day.

in your life, are there choices you would change?

how do you keep from bring affected by someone else's mood?

the loud clanging and banging....the frustration....you're not sure...is it your fault?

how do you not let that bad energy affect you...while at the same time, trying to be understanding.

if there are typos in here it's because i have a huge bandage on my left index finger and i'm not going back and fixing 'em.

so what's the secret? how do you maintain your flow of energy.

and how do you know when it's time, and okay to make a choice that is good for you and you only.

what i'd really like to know is how do i get back my identity? how do i stand on my own and not be affected by the mood. yes, i am part of a couple...but i am also an individual. and should be less affected in that regard.

i think if you're not happy, and you can change that, you should. if what you're currently doing isn't fully working for you, and you can do something to change it....you must. the art journal page here is not new but does convey how i'm currently feeling. nothing like a little electrical tape and paint that can't make you feel better, right? too bad i feel absolutely uncreative tonight or i could have gone upstairs and made a new page.

yeah. now that's what i'm talking about!!!

alexander in the surf. YES. tahoe had a surf. it was almost like being at the ocean.




ethan having fun in the waves.



we went to tahoe with a bunch of people. this is rachael (our friends' daughter) getting james with a bucket FULL of cold tahoe water. gotta love it that i just happened to catch the shot!



what's time at the beach if you don't bury someone! elizabeth started it but alexander was more than happy to pile the sand on his daddy, then WALK on him to pile on more!!! lol....

all in all we had a really great day. i didn't take my camera to the fireworks. i figured i had taken more than enough photos at the lake. and i wanted to enjoy cuddling with alexander under a blanket and listening to his reaction to the fireworks. i held him in my lap the entire time and loved every single minute of it. the thing that made me laugh?? alexander saying, "yeah, that's what i'm talking about" when the big really great fireworks went off. such a funny kid.

randomness.

random thailand photo i got from google images.
feeling drugged up (way toooo many allergy meds). that don't work worth a crap.
wishing for enough free time so i could sleep, eat (things that are bad for me), scrap, art journal and paint. haven't painted since june 5th or 6th. can't remember.
always feeling like time is running out. why is that?
now i am going to go make dinner.
tomorrow we're going to the lake with friends but coming back early enough so alexander can take a rest. after that, same friends over for a bbq, i'm making strawberry shortcake...then off to fireworks. happy 4th!