who wants it more.

i want this.
and have been taking small steps.
but i am not letting this happen.
and i am not sure why.
i need to clear my mind.
to be quiet.
so i can hear myself think.
from the inside.
to be mindful.
i need to make things happen.
i need to clear what is trapped in my brain.
start fresh.
a clean palatte.
no one is going to do this for me.
no one is going to do this but me.
it will be ALL me.
it will come from inside.
the true beauty of what is within you.
leaving you raw.
and open.
yet only you know the true emotion/story/intention behind each painting.
a need so strong, so powerful, nothing can stop it.
eventually.
maybe...some day...i can get back to that.
i want it.
what they see....it's different for each person....
it will speak to them.
it will move them.
the color.
the subject.
contrast.
rawness.
the power.
i feel it inside me.
gnawing at me.
begging me to do this.
to find a way to let it out.
find a way to tap in to that magic zone.
that place where you go.
where everything else fades away.
but your focus is clear.
sharp.
you can go. and go. paint for hours.
people could be watching you and you wouldn't notice.
or care.
because you are tapped in.
i NEED that.
so why am i not letting it happen.