7 things about alexander. because he's turning 7.

november 18th is alexander's birthday.
7 years ago today i went into labor.
i've been wishing james was here all day (as i do everyday) so we could talk about the day before zan was born when i went into the hospital and the day after, when he was actually born.
i made this birthday banner today.
i put it up so that when zan gets up in the morning he will see it.
it's the first crafty thing i have done in forever.

because he is turning 7, i'm doing 7 things about alexander:

1) i call him zan. only family and very close friends are allowed to call him that.

2) at school so far he has gone by alexander. he is deciding, however, whether he wants to change that to xander.

3) that kid has a wicked adorable evil little laugh!

4) he misses his dad and talks about him often. last night he said, "am i a miniature version of dad?" my answer? yes. you absolutely are.

5) he loves swords (of the nerf variety of course) and is obsessed with playing his DSI.

6) 90% of the time he is mellow. very, very mellow. the other 10%? watch the fuck out. the other 10% is when he is pissed off. and it ain't pretty. takes a lot to get him to that point, but when it happens....it's all out.

7) the kid has a unique sense of style. he doesn't care if his clothes match. he loves his 'eskimo' hat and wears it often. he digs having long hair and stands up for himself when people in the store, or other various places, mistake him for a girl. he sternly tells them (and it cracks me up when he does it), "i'm a boy!!!!" picture him glaring at you while he says it with his adorable little boy face.

i should do more than 7 things about alexander.

7 just isn't enough.

i should mention how he loves broccoli and brussel sprouts.

he likes sour candy more than chocolate (definitely gets that from james)!

he loves, like loves loves loves to make (author and illustrate) comic books.

and then sell them to me.

sometimes he seems so much older than he is.

but then when i tuck him in, and he HAS to have blue blankie and gallobs (a stuffed puppy HE named), i remember that he's still little. very, very little.

happy birthday alexander harrison danger reed.

i love you.

disconnected.

feeling very disconnected.
the silence is deafening.
and there is no ice cream.
anyone who gets my sense of humor will find that entertaining.
took this photo on sunday with my iPhone.
more hipsta shots.
really lovin 'em.
this is where i live.
and i gotta say, it's beautiful here.
missing feeling connected TO someone.
i'm definitely strong enough to stand on my own.
but it's nice, knowing that you don't have to.
IF you don't want to.

who wants it more.

i want this.
and have been taking small steps.
but i am not letting this happen.
and i am not sure why.
i need to clear my mind.
to be quiet.
so i can hear myself think.
from the inside.
to be mindful.
i need to make things happen.
i need to clear what is trapped in my brain.
start fresh.
a clean palatte.
no one is going to do this for me.
no one is going to do this but me.
it will be ALL me.
it will come from inside.
the true beauty of what is within you.
leaving you raw.
and open.
yet only you know the true emotion/story/intention behind each painting.
a need so strong, so powerful, nothing can stop it.
eventually.
maybe...some day...i can get back to that.
i want it.
what they see....it's different for each person....
it will speak to them.
it will move them.
the color.
the subject.
contrast.
rawness.
the power.
i feel it inside me.
gnawing at me.
begging me to do this.
to find a way to let it out.
find a way to tap in to that magic zone.
that place where you go.
where everything else fades away.
but your focus is clear.
sharp.
you can go. and go. paint for hours.
people could be watching you and you wouldn't notice.
or care.
because you are tapped in.
i NEED that.
so why am i not letting it happen.

hipsta app. cool shit.

hipsta print taken with my iPhone.
in my studio.
november 1, 2010.
if something feels right, how can you be scared of it.
SHOULD you be scared of it.
it seems to fit.
yet it shouldn't.
how can it possibly???
it mystifies you.
how did this happen.
i do nothing but question it. in its absence.
but when it is present, all else is forgotten.
things just feel right.
i am afraid.
the simple things in life ARE the best things.
i know this.
i really really do.
someone's arms around you in comfort or passion....
a gentle kiss.
the caress of someone ever so gently brushing your skin.
touching your hand.
rubbing your back....
quiet time with no conversation.
times of rapid conversation where you are engaged.
and before you know it 3 hours have passed.
sharing your passions.
knowing that there is someone there.
for YOU.
a sense of peace.
a deep breath.
when it goes away it comes crashing down hard around you.
that IS what matters.
these are the things i miss.