cut the crap.

i like doing weird things to photos.
i think it makes them more interesting.
i also think it's a way for me to hide.
you can only see me in the way *I* want you to.
you get to see the manipulated photo.
not the original untouched version.
something is happening to me.
and it's scaring the crap out of me.
written word is easier for me.
i'm not that great at face to face 'real' talking.
you know, the kind filled with emotion.
the difficult kind.
but gimme a computer and i can whip up an email that is straight to the point.
direct.
i say few words.
but the words i choose say a lot.
i personally think that's powerful.
SO much easier when i'm not face to face with someone.
i'm saying this because when james first died, i said and did a lot of things that i otherwise would not have.
i decided to cut the crap.
that life is too short.
so now, i pretty much (even though sometimes it is excruciatingly paintul to ME)....
even so...i say what i think.
and i mean what i say.
but.
i am finding myself full of fear.
finding myself NOT able to fully act in the way that i want to.
because what i want to do requires opening myself up.
and i'm not sure i am ready for that.