we've been on the road the last couple days.

i just spent the last 30 minutes rocking alexander back and forth.
alexander was......he was....broken.
sadness and anger poured out of him.
he cried.
i cried.
he kept saying over and over, 'i miss my daddy. i miss my daddy. why did the virus attack daddy's heart. i miss him. i don't see him anymore.'
it is more than i can stand.
more than any little boy should have to go through.
my entire body is shaking.
i am cold.
and sick to my stomach.
what is fair about this?!
now, in this second, i am angry.
not at james.
at the fact my boys do not have james.
this has been the hardest part for me.
not being able to take away their pain.
their sadness.
i cannot make this better for them.
and fuck i wish i could.
yes...tomorrow is another day.
i can show them life goes on.
that we can live a good, happy life.
but honestly, my heart is not in it.
i am just going through the motions.
hoping that that will be enough until i can fully mean it.
now i'm gettin my shit together.
time to put the boys to bed.