the last photo of us.

this was taken at my brother's house when james and i went to celebrate my brother's oldest son's 11th birthday in september. there will be no more photos of the two of us. and i'm really still sort of stunned. i can't believe this is our life now. i am very glad i have this photograph.

the boys and i are, well....we're doing it. getting up in the morning. getting through our days. trying, trying really hard to adjust to our new reality. E had some trouble at school on monday. his teacher called me and i went up to the school (took alexander with me) and spent about an hour up there. E has so many emotions going on inside he doesn't know how to process them. he doesn't understand everything he is feeling. and it just all came out. at once. and it was so sad. it breaks my heart to watch him in so much pain. i want to take it all away, make eveything better, the way it used to be. but i can't. and it makes my stomach hurt.

i am so sad. i miss james. every second i am awake. i'm barely sleeping. i wake up sweating. then i'm cold. my god. how can this have happened? i just really don't know. i don't understand it. to the best person i have ever met? and i mean that. james was the best thing that ever happened to me. i am doing my best to help the boys. giving them all the love i have. trying to make them feel secure again. E is having trouble sleeping. he is scared at night. alexander handles his sadness in a slightly different way. he told me this morning he doesn't want to have a dead daddy. i told him i didn't want him to have a dead daddy either. and it took everything i had not to break down in tears. i know it's okay for the boys to see me sad, and cry, but the sadness in alexander's voice, the look on his face, i would have more than just cried. i woudln't have been able to stop.

one minurte i am fine, and getting through the day. the next? i never thought i could feel so empty. ever. it's like a desperation so deep inside i'm afraid it will swallow me up. that if i start screaming i will never stop. my body shakes and i'm cold. then five minutes later i'm hot and feel like i'm going to throw up. i have no appetite. i eat dinner with the boys because i know i have to. but it's hard. everything is hard right now.

i just miss james. and the boys miss their daddy. so many people i have never even met have left messages here, and for that, i thank you. wonderful words of support. and to every single person who donated money on our behalf, there are no words. thank you is just not enough.

today is the day i was supposed to leave for my trip to thailand with emily and tara. emily and tara, who have done so much for me. for us. to them i am eternally grateful and forever in their debt. to ali edwards, thank you as well. and cathy zielske. i thank you too. to every single person who left a comment of some kind, or donated money, you have shown us kindness in the most horrible time in our lives. and that is beautiful. and amazing. and i thank you. every single one of you. please know you have touched our lives. and there just really are no words to express how much i appreciate all of you.

to the thailand girls (all of you.....i hope you are having the most amazing trip ever). i am thinking about all of you and can't wait to see some of your amazing photographs and to hear about your adventures.