edouard manet.

i'm a huge fan of impressionism. edouard manet painted a piece and titled it 'the lemon'. i happend across it the other day and was inspired enough to sit down and paint my version of his work. i'm not sure it's done. i often view things i've painted from different ways. in a mirror. hanging (taped) to a wall. even on-line. it really helps. the different perspectives....an amazing tool. i am so in love with chunky paint. paint strokes that can clearly be seen.
yesterday alexander woke up an hour early from his nap. instead of getting upset at him (he's been truly exhausted this last week)....i suggested we paint together. now this is huge people. i do not paint with my kids when i am painting. i'm generally alone when i paint. but yesterday, yesterday....well....he was so excited at waking to find me painting, and he wanted to paint so badly that i said yes. and it was nice. he was sweet. and proud of himself for his creations. it was great. we talked, painted, got messy (VERY messy), and just enjoyed being together until it was time to pick up E from school.
now. on to other things. this will be a long post. it has been a surreal week. a surreal day. through it all the boys have been amazing. especially today, while spending an entire day in an itty bitty recovery room, alexander was so amazing. so good. so in tune with what was going on. he's my kid so of course i'm biased. but seriously, that little boy blew me away today.
we are now at home. all of us. the way it should be. all week i was either totally fine or totally in break-down mode. i was mostly scared at how i would keep it all from affecting the boys. how i would keep myself together since this time i had no one to watch alexander so he had to come with me. i wouldn't have the luxery of sneaking off somewhere to let out my emotion. i had to keep it together, to show him (and E) that everything was going to be okay. and i'm still.....i can't even begin to tell you...just blown away by his behavior today. he was just so good. and caring. and worried. and never wanting to leave our sides.
since E was at school for most of the day, i was worried less about him. we talked a little before school. he knew what today was. i told him i would pick him up and i did. he needed his routine and that's what i gave him. that and some reassurance this morning. and lots more tonight.
everyone in our household is exhausted. the boys are tucked into their beds. james is tucked into ours. as for me, i need a little time. to sort through my thoughts. so now, now that no one is watching me, taking cues from me....i can just let myself be.
today was a horrible day. even so, i saw amazing things (in alexander, james and E). i learned a few things about a couple of people these last few days. things that will stay with me forever. i am forever changed. i am hurt. i am angry. i have felt incredibly alone. but also not alone, it affects each of us, just in different ways. i had such mixed emotions today. but i held it together. all day.
i'm sort of sitting here perhaps shell-shocked. that's how i feel. i do not know what the future holds, how this will all turn out. but i know we will get through it together as a couple and as a family. whatever we have to do, well, that's what we'll do. there is nothing else to do.