here's why i can't do this.

this morning i sat down with my laptop for a few minutes (to check email, various sites, etc.) and what do i see? em falconbridge and tara whitney are taking a trip to thailand. and they're taking 8 people with them. well.....taking may not be exactly the right word. you have to pay for your airfare to bangkok. and $2,600 for what em and tara call 'find yourself''....a retreat of sorts. dudes. i want to 'find' myself in thailand. with emily falconbridge. and tara whitney too! so i sent james the link.

what does he do?? gets online to check out airfare. turns out it's actually cheaper than one might think. well...cheap?? not so much. but it's actually not as high as i thought it would be.

so james comes home from work tonight. we eat dinner, the boys are in the front yard playing and he grabs me by the hand and takes me into the bedroom. NO. not for that. sheesh. he put something on my pillow and wanted to show it to me. it was a book. about thailand.

i so would love to take this trip. here's why i can't:
james would have to take a week off from work to stay home with the boys.
he would have to use HIS vacation time for ME.
i'm not sure i can leave my boys for a week. never done it before.
the only other time i've left them was to go to CHA last summer. i had a great time. it was good for me, but for a week? actually more. i'd be gone for 10 days.
it would be the most irresponsible thing i could possibly do. me...go on a trip like this....without james and the boys??? just me??? i don't think so. not that i don't like a good adventure. i do. i just can't see spending this much money on just me. now if it were a family vacation? no problem. but james doesn't want to fly 20 hours (or whatever it is) with the boys. he thinks they are still too young to appreciate something like this.
he really truly wants me to go. i'm just not sure i can.
plus, by the time i make up my mind all 8 spots will be gone. maybe that will solve it for me.
it's nice to think about.....it would be a great experience. i just don't think i can spend that much money on something for just me. and ask james to give up that much time off from work so i can go and do something like this. it would be selfish.
and i would miss my boys. E hears us talking about thailand and he's already clinging on for dear life. alexander said he wants me to go (james asked)....E?? not so much. surprisingly enough E was the one who cried while i was in chicago last summer. he was the one that really missed me. alexander missed me too, i know he did, but it was E that surprised me with his reaction.

now....can i really NOT do this? or am i talking myself out of something great because of fears and worry that can be overcome. so.....thailand.......something to think about.