where do i start.

the last two days? unbelievable.
i am sick as a freaking d.o.g.
sore throat.
achy body.
yeah me. not. guess i finally got something....not what every other member of my family had...at least there's no throwing up. knock on wood....omg i hate throwing up.
didn't think i could make the drive home today. seriously. slept two seconds last night. i was hot. then cold. i was sweating....then freezing.
and i spent an amazingly large amount of time with my dad's wife. why. why?! yes...i knew i would see her. but i did not go TO see her. i went to see my dad. who knew i was coming. who ASKED me to come. so why is it he wasn't even home when i got there? i arrived at 10:30am. he arrived at 4pm. WTF. i just shake my head. seriously.
then when he got there he left. ran an errand. for another hour. i sure spent an amazingly large amount of time by myself while 'visiting' my dad.
note to self: do not go back to my dad's.
more note to self: at least i tried. but i really don't think it's worth trying more.
i could go on. and on. but i'm just not going to. i'm going to go take a hot bath.
i am supposed to be at a birthday party. but i asked james to come home from work and take the boys for me. every inch of my body thumps....and hurts...and aches.....
i just hope i can sleep tonight. in my own bed. in my own house. where i belong. where i can control my life. at least a little bit.
where i won't feel like i'm an outsider and unwanted. does my dad really not care? or is he just not capable to expressing ANY form of emotion. the never-ending question. seriously. why did i go to my dad's? it had been a couple of years since i'd been there. i don't belong there. and i say that every time i come back from his house. when will i learn?