scrap the crap and move on.

the pages that i create all depend on my mood. how i'm feeling. what i feel like using. some days i create nothing but crap (like today). others? a LO just flows out. damn it i wish i knew the secret to making it just flow every time i sat down. yes. i've been trying to scrap a page for two days. and it ain't happening. so i set it aside. the last few LOs i've done have had no paint. that's fine. i can do no paint. sometimes i really love not using paint. but i'm starting to feel like i need to paint. it's like that little whatever it is inside my soul is screaming at me to let it free. i seem to go through cycles. a lot of paint. then i back off for a while. but i'm starting to feel drawn to the paint yet again. it's almost as if it is whispering in my ear. taunting me. maybe that's what my problem is. my being is shouting at me to paint and i am ignoring it. maybe i deserve the crappy LO i made today. lol...

i really think my pages are 100% influenced by how i'm feeling on any given day. it's because of this that i don't really think i have a 100% (or even 90%) recognizable style. i'm okay with that. i think. because i'm all about just letting it out. seeing what happens.

i feel jumbled inside. i think that is part of my problem yesterday. and today. i'm not seeing anything clearly. i'm going to try to clear my mind. and go and sit. and scrap. a masterpiece. ha. lol... maybe not a masterpiece. but something i like. at least a little.

you know what i say. scrap the crap. get it out. then let it flow and create something i love. now lets see if i can do it. i'm half way there already having scrapped the crap today.

why, what, when, where and who.

what makes me crazy?
rude people. seriusly. just makes me want to kick their ass. why do people have to be rude? something else that makes me crazy? employees in a store...sales clerk....whatever....when they treat you like you are inconveniencing them by coming to their store to buy things...like you're putting them out by making them work. uh..........'scuse me???? dude. you do NOT want to piss me off. ;)

who pushes my buttons?
dude. my kids. totally. hate it when they fight/bicker. seriously. i think i got skipped on the extra helping of patience. i need more.

where was i when i last lost my temper?
hmmm. can't remember. more than likely it was at home. and i had had enough of the boys fighting.....E picking on alexander. alexander getting angry at E. ~shudder~ seriously makes me shudder just thinking about when they fight. it's just too much. when they play together it's the best. but damn. when they fight...watch out!

when is my crazy time of day?
in the morning, trying to get E to school. i don't do mornings. nope. nope nope. not at all. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. 'nuff said.

why do i blog?
somewhere to put my thoughts. other than bombarding james. poor guy has enough going on with him being my only outlet. my blog is just a place to go....to say things....to let things out. or not. somewhere for people i like to read a bit about me. somewhere to post pages i've done. dunno. no reason. lots of reasons. lol...

how do i chill?
i stay up late. the house is quiet. i scrap (and listen to my ipod or watch movies or tv shows on my ipod). sometimes i scrap and just enjoy the quiet. or i watch movies in the fam room curled up on the loveseat. i breathe. deeply. over and over. i try to quiet my mind before i go to bed.

now. if you think i've said 'dude' and 'seriously' enough....well....my job here is done. off to go watch deadliest catch. kicking james off the big tv and i'm takin' over.

and we're all back.

james is back. and safe.
barry is back. and safe.
they had an eventful trip. a very good trip.
lots of bad weather, skinny and scary yet exhilerating canyons, torrential downpours, a grass landing strip in the middle of nowhere, many unexpected events and much much more. through it all james kept in good contact. he walked five miles to find a phone one day because he didn't have cell coverage and didn't want me to worry. he even made it home a day earlier than expected. good thing it doesn't get dark in alaska right now. that way they could literally fly until 10:30 at night.

james surprised me and came up the campsite on sunday night. he got there at 11pm. he wasn't supposed to get home until monday (assuming all went well). he had been going since 5am that morning. he wanted to see his family. funny thing though....the boys had literally passed out (they were exhausted) and try as hard as he might, james could not wake the boys up for anything that night!! lol..... but they got to see his face first thing this morning and that made them very happy.

keeping the boys busy was a major help while james was away. they had fun camping, riding their bikes (though E took the biggest fall he's ever taken and has a huge scrape on his belly) and their scooters. i am the only sahm in the group. sometimes i feel a little out of place. i really have nothing to contribute....nothing to talk about...unless you want to hear about my boys fighting....how sick i am of vacuuming...and seriously...NO ONE wants to hear about that.....no exciting business trips to talk about (barbara just got back from hong kong). you know...so sometimes it's hard and i feel isolated and a little lonely even though i'm with a big group of people. ~sigh~ overall it was a good weekend. the boys loved swimming. now we are all home. and together. it's almost time for the boys to go to bed. and for us to sleep in our big comfy bed (with fresh sheets) woot!

hope you had a good memorial day weekend. i will say it was very strange to not be with james on our anniversary. thought about him a lot on saturday. just made me appreciate him that much more.

happy anniversary to me.

in two hours anyway. won't be on to post tomorrow. going camping. without james. boys will have fun with kathryn, mike, ash, em, nana, poppa, bill, barbara, zach, kaylee and kruger.

james did call today. two times. good to hear from him...to know he's safe. they did a lot of flying. hope to hear from him in the am before they take off.

so yeah. my anniversary is the 26th. it's interesting this year....not even being with james. he says he's having a good trip. that's good.

off to get the boys to bed. it's late. got my hair cut today. met shelley and jacob and rode bikes and scooters for a while. then we all went out for dinner. just got the boys out of the bath. they need sleep. and so do i. but i must pack the truck. still have things to do!

may 22, 2007.

that's the day ethan decided he was ready to ride without training wheels. totally cool. totally fun to watch. not sure what's more awesome than watching your child grow and WANT to do the things he once thought were waaaay too scary. best part? james was here for it. he was the one who took off the training wheels. he was the one who helped E...got him started...then let go.

i'm happy. but holy crap people. what's next? he just turned six. he's a terror on his razor. tearing it up. which is awesome. and now he's tearing it up on his bike. so cool.

E...i am very proud of you. my heart is seriously full of pride. i think i need some drugs. you know....the keep me from crying at the drop of a hat kind of drugs....i think i'm way too emotional over my kid riding his bike with no training wheels! lol...

ps. yes. he's not wearing a helmet. he was. he decided he was done...then alexander came out of the house and E was so excited he wanted to show his brother how he can ride his bike without training wheels. somehow the helmet didn't get put back on. NO need to call social services. ;) we're really good parents. really.

pss. the photo has not been edited. no photo editing software on my laptop and upstairs computer is not currently functioning...that's why the pic isn't the best quality.

james is going to alaska.

he leaves on thursday.
i told him to go. he wants to go. he IS going.
lets just say...new engine....trees...mountains.....no where to land if necessary.....well over 20 hours of flying time.....minimum of 4 days gone. more likely at least 5. maybe a week. one day to fly commercial there. one day to break in the new engine....then fly home. three days of straight flying.
so. the boys will be little shits while daddy is gone. what. my kids? really? nooooooo. um...yes. lol... they don't like it when james is out of town. they don't even know yet that he's leaving. not only that, he's driving to CA to pick up barry the night before. so they won't see him that night either. or the morning before he leaves. he leaves early. oh well. can't change it.
happens to be my anniversary weekend. one i will celebrate by myself. which is really okay. maybe this trip will be good for james. i hope.
mike said he'll be a surrogate dad to the boys while james is gone. lol... kathryn and mike still want me and the boys to come camping (even though james won't be there). just not sure i have the energy to plan it, pack it all up and actually go.
i need to take a breath. then i need to figure out which of the billion things i need to do i should do first.
i'm about to go on a serious get rid of crap binge. i can't take it anymore! too much stuff just sitting around with no place to go.
need to get some bins for the boys' winter clothes.
need to get the rest of E's summer clothes.
need to get some clothes for me. the four things that i have that fit...gets old wearing the same thing almost every day! i'm tired of big baggy clothes that just don't fit anymore!!!
need to get my car fixed. like bad bad. i'm afraid to drive it too far from home (like any further that E's school or walmart...how i hate walmart)......so that means no clothes shopping for me until my car is fixed. seriously. it's been getting worse. it's been going on for over two months! time to get it fixed!
guess i'll be driving the truck while james is gone.
i'm feeling overwhelmed. and not just a little. A LOT.
and i'm tired.
instead of scrapping yesterday i spent the day outside shoveling 2 inch rock. we put a riverbed in front of the grass. it looks good. but we still have much to do in the front. much repair from the creatures.
and james needs to set the sprinklers on automatic again before he leaves. i'm too retarded to figure out how to program them.
did i mention i'm tired? and overwhelmed? lol... yes. i think i did.
now i'm getting off the computer and i'm going to check one thing off my too-long to do list. and i'll do it with a child literally attached to my leg! lol.. alexander is tired today. long busy weekend. when he's tired he's clingy. i love it if i'm just sitting and cuddling with him. but if i'm trying to get stuff done...??? um...makes it just a bit harder. lol... hopefully the little man will have a good long nap today!
maybe i can make E lay down too...maybe i can take a nap. shhh. don't tell anyone. ;)

phew. the weekend is over.

it was a long hard one. and that is all i have to say about that!

know what's bothering me? okay...well...seriously...the list would be soooo long. in particular i am referring to the fact i can't post pics on my blog from my laptop. it's not because i don't have access to the all our pics. i do. what i don't have, however, is photo editing software on my laptop. and i do most of my blog entires from my laptop. that would be why there are rarely pics. i hope to one day change that...and be able to edit and then post pics from my laptop.

it's 1am. should i go to bed? should i go scrap more? yeah...just finished a page. not my favorite. by a long shot. oh well. they an't all be masterpieces (at least that's what i tell myself. :wink: i do have an early call. think i will go to bed now. tomorrow is another day. here's hoping it's much much better than today was.

oh...one good thing about today? got something done in the front yard. the riverbed is 90% done. that's a good thing. one section at a time....it's a slow process. but it will get done. eventually. and if the little creatures come back....the ones that destroyed our yard....digging little holes in and under our front lawn...eating the roots of all of our flowers.....i have this to say to them. watch your ass. i don't like doing yardwork. i'm watching for ya. don't wanna hurt ya, but i'm also not sharing my space with ya.

rambling nothings.

not having the best day ever.

finished up our t ball season. that's good. it was long. and don'tcha know it....today i had the most fun i've had at any of the games! it's because i left the dugout and coached first base and then coached the outfield when we were out. way way way better than just yelling at kids in the dugout, getting catcher gear on and off and getting the kids out and onto the field in batting order.

worried about james. working too much. soooo tired. sooooo stressed. he's not himself. all i can do is keep away. makes me sad.

we're off to kathryn and mike's shortly.

sometimes i just feel invisible. it's not the first time i've said this. i'm talking scrapping here. not about my personal life. and yeah. speaking of scrapping, sure wish i could do some when it wasn't 1 am. i'm so freaking tired. and i'm tired of being tired.

my day is NOT going how i envisioned. it's been a pretty sucky day actually. i'm not sure i'm in a good frame of mind to go to kathryn's. the boys will have fun. they'll play with ash and em which is good.

deadliest catch season 1 disc 1 arrived today. and i'm happy about it. is it sad i'm happy about it? when i don't feel like scrapping i like to watch a movie. that may be what i'm doing later tonight (depends on how late we stay at kathryn and mike's). though i do have a few scrapping deadlines i need to get on. so yeah. it'll be 1 am and i'll be at my desk. and tomorow i'll be even more tired than i am today!

humpf. i'm in some kind of mood today. guess i should go get our part of dinner ready to go. i'll try to keep my emotions in check tonight. if i don't they might all come rushing out. can't have that now can we.

me....busted?

last summer we went to our state fair with james' mom, his sister, her hubby and their four kids. it's an annual thing. the boys have absolutely the best time. so we go in. trish buys wrist bands for all the boys. james gets ours and puts them on E and alexander. well...E...being the freakish little dude he is, doesn't really like things on his wrist. gets that from me. things on his wrist absolutely cannot be tight. uh...james doesn't quite get that. he put the wrist band on too tight. so all night E pulls at it. finally he tore it off. james tied it back on. no prob...right? um...yeah..........no. this carny dude on one of the rides was being a hard ass......said E couldn't get on the ride because his wrist band had been torn off. the dude didn't think we paid our money. lets just say that didn't go over well with me. so without really thinking, i said (more to myself)....you tell that man i said to BITE ME. dudes. E went over there, got in line, got up to the dude, told him 'bite me' and got on the ride. OMG i about peed my pants!!!!!!!!! seriously i was laughing SO hard. hey. i never said i was mother of the year. and honestly? i still think that is a freaking funny story. okay...not the best lesson i could have taught my kid. but freakin' funny!

7 weird things.

only 7?

1. i like grape tomatoes but they must be sliced in half before i will eat them. i don't like the pop. it's something about the thick skin and the pop. i just don't like it. but i love them when they are sliced.

2. i only drink coffee when i can sit down and enjoy it. i don't like to be rushed or disturbed...coughETHANandALEXANDERcough...when i drink coffee. i think that is why i rarely make it at home. when i go to starbucks, i've usually just taken E to school and it's easier to not be disturbed by one than by two.

3. i don't like to sleep with socks on though i did almost this entire winter. i froze my ass off all winter. could NOT get warm enough. it was bizarre.

4. i have had the same book sitting on my nightstand for well over two years and have yet to finish it. i probably never will. guess it's not that good of a book.

5. the cupboards must be closed in my kitchen. unless you are getting a plate, glass or putting something away....close the freakin' cupboard. ask james. he'll tell you. i hate it when they are left open.

6. i sleep better when callie and oliver are in the bedroom with us. it's like a little ritual. they follow me around all day (when i am home). they lay on the floor under or near my desk at night when i scrap. or they hang with me in the fam room when i watch tv or a movie. when i'm ready for bed i ask them, 'who's ready for puppy night night' and they get up and follow me to our bedroom. and yes. i am serious. i really do this. lol...

7. my scrap desk.....it's MINE. no one....and i mean NO ONE better put ANYTHING on it. james actually isn't even allowed to sit there. seriously. i've got a thing about not having any place just for 'me' in this entire house. every space supposedly designated for me seems to somehow become overrun by others. so we bought the desk and now it's mine. MY space. should i seek professional help? at some point i plan on taking over the loft. it will become mine....MINE.......ALL MINE.... >insert evil laugh< here. ;)

home movies, huh?

nope. i got none. none of me as a child anyway. barely even have any pics of me as a child. you see, when my parents split (it wasn't pretty)...my mom went a bit off the deep end. it was at that time she kicked me out (and because i look like my dad no less)...it was shortly after this that she burned all our family pics. i am still to this day very sad about that. obviously photographs are a very important part of my life. one of the reasons i take so many i'm sure. i want my boys to have a history they can see, not just hear about.

okay...so...on to another story. we of course have taken many many digi clips of the boys. one day i am certain james will gather them and put them all onto one dvd (or whatever).....i always said (actually up until this year) on E's birthday i wanted to sit and watch all the video clips we have. take a trip down memory lane. we never seem to do it. why is that?

now....i leave you with this. once upon a time james asked kimberly to marry him. kimberly said yes. plans were made. it was important to kimberly to have her wedding video taped. here's the best part. are ya ready? the videographer............TURNED OFF THE VIDEO CAMERA. kimberly has NO wedding video. kimberly was very pissed. lol... yeah..haha...i can laugh now. seriously makes me sad. would have loved to watch our wedding. would have loved for our boys to one day see it. oh well, huh?! what can ya do?!

sheesh...i'm fully of happiness tonight. NOT! lol...sorry!

happy day you mother!

'my ten' was inspired by falyn cahall. the flower thing on 'i am' is a steal from em falconbridge.

hahaha...i think that's funny....happy day you mother!! that's a 'james' saying. having a nice day. pretty low on energy. james too. he took a nap today while E and i played (alexander was napping too). james got me super burrito for lunch. yummy. then we went out to eat for dinner. yeah...the diet thing? not so good today. back to it tomorrow full throttle.

the boys and james sang me the happy mother's day song. that was a riot. got some great cards from the boys and james. inside each was a starbucks card. funny james...lol....guess i should have enough starbucks cards to last a crouple of weeks, huh?! and ethan not only offered...but did the dishes from breakfast. seriously. all on his own. he said he wanted me to have a nice day so he wanted to do the dishes. isn't that the best ever?!

maybe a movie tonight. maybe scrapping. depends on what james does.

played yesterday at the online crop at scrapgal. here's a couple of the LOs i did. boys are brushing teeth and then it's time for story! later.

is it friday? already?

spent monday, tuesday and wednesday and thursday at the hospital. thought my dad would be released on wednesday but it didn' thappen. he's good and is now back at home. i spent a lot of time with him. james came home from work early to take care of the boys. two little boys...one small confined hospital room...uh...yeah. not happening. so today it's back to normal. which is nice. i will, however, call tomorrow to check on my dad and see how he's doing.

he's in the middle of building a house (doing much of the work himself). he's not supposed to do anything strenuous for 5-7 days, preferably two weeks. humpf. they apparently do not know my father. i am quite certain he's out doing something he shouldn't as i type this.

i think once E gets out of school for the summer we will take a day or two and go and see him.

this is how it went down.

my brother called. 'what's going on with LRB?' LRB is how we refer to our father.
'um. i dunno. what do you mean?'
his wife sent an email. i had yet to even tun on my laptop. i was trying to get the boys ready so we could take E to school.
did you get that? an email. she sent an email. to tell us that he had been life-flighted to the hospital. she didn't call. WTH? so i call the hospital. you see, my dad lives in CA but only about an hour and a half away from me even though we're in dif states. so one of the hospitals here was the closest big hospital.
so i call the hospital. nurse puts me through to LRB. he doesn't say much. i tell him i will come and see him after i take E to school.
turns out he had an ACS (short of a heart attack). they took him to the cath lab, injected the dye. he had blockage in one artery. they put a stent in. not even sure how you spell that and i'm not going to look it up.
so basially i spent my day at the hospital. his wife showed up (she is currently sleeping upstairs) and will go back and see him in the morning. he should be going home tomorrow.
if he's still at the hospital after i take E to school i will again go and see him.
we played cribbage. something he taught me. a way to pass the time. being in the hospital sucks.
what does all this mean? well.....
our relationship is far from perfect. but even so. he's still my dad. i'm not ready for him to go.
i actually know very little about his life. he knows very little about mine. but today we talked which was good.
it was nice to have that time before his wife showed up.
it's been sort of a surreal day. just not used to seeing my dad down.
saw a side of him i haven't seen in years. years people. not sure what to make of it. it's just been a wild day.

what did i do on NSD you ask?

i most certainly did not scrap. nope. here is what i DID do.
laundry
t ball
helped james work on our front yard retaining wall (oh..that was fun). NOT.
we went out to dinner. nice not to cook but hard hard to stay on track weight-wise.
some neighborhood kids were over (which E really loved).
uh...what else. oh. nothing. yeah. it wasn't very exciting!
but you know what?
there is something to be said for an ordinary nothing unexpected happened kind of day.
so it's all good.

my new do. take 2.

yes. i got my hair cut three weeks ago. but....uh....i wasn't happy with it. i liked that it was shorter. but it just wasn't quite right. so i took a chance. went to a totally new person. and she rocks. like holy freakin' crap rocks.
she said, 'do you know what you want?'
i said, 'no. not really. all i know is i'm not happy with how it is now. it's too long to be "short" hair. and i want short hair.
and she got it. and she fixed it. and i'm going back to her for my next cut. i may be hers forever. now we're talking color. woot. maybe. not so sure. i've had a partial weave before. but dude. i so wasn't happy with it. but i may let mindy convince me. she did rock the cut.

i'm answering these questions.

1) Do you have a tattoo? Where? Why? What does it look like?
nope. me no likey needles. but i'm contemplating a small (very small) diamond stud for my nose. yes. i'm serious. no. james doesn't know this yet. he doesn't read my blog often. it'll be a surprise IF i decide to do it. :wink:

2) Are you a "fly by the seat of your pants gal" or "a planner"? (Love me some Julia Roberts circa "Pretty Woman" vibe)
i dig that movie. ~sigh~ i want the 'romance' of that movie in my life.
on to the question. i am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person AND a bit of a planner. i like to do some things in advance. for other things...i hate having to be somewhere at a certain time/date. i don't like making plans...other times i do....i'm a woman in constant conflict! lol..

3) For one day.....and one day only. If you could do any thing, be any thing, say any thing.... with no consequences...what would that "thing" be?
in no particular order:
i would be filthy rich. i would go out and buy nice things. and a lot of 'em. yes. i'm materialistic. whatcha gonna do 'bout it. :wink: i really need clothes. bad. everything (except for the outfit my mom bought me last week) is four sizes too big. four.
i would eat whatever i wanted. omg that would be so awesome. seriously....that would be the best!
i would say exactly what is on my mind to a few people. coughMY FATHER/BROTHER/MOTHERcough. family. it's so complicated.
i would make james 100% healthy and better.
i would sleep.
i would paint (oil on canvas).
i would scrap.
i would travel the world. hey. no one said my answer had to be realistic.
i would beat the crap out of all the rude people that i encounter throughout my day. yes. i have issues with rude people.
i would meet claude monet. i would watch him paint.
i would just like the ability to go anywhere i want, spend as much as i want without even having to think about it.
i could go on. really. but i'm sure you're tired of reading.

things i know. take 2.

1. i will only like a food if it has sugar and lots of fat. ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, candy bars. see? it's true.

2. i am dog-ass tired and should go to bed before 1 am. sometimes 2 am. like last night. i am dragging!

3. raising kids is exhausting. seriously. and not just because i go to bed at 2 am and get up at 6. it just requires 100% constant effort, reinforcement, teaching, love...etc...

scrappage

after not feeling like scrapping in what seemed like forever, i was finally able to produce something for scrapgal's may newsletter. i wish i could get my scrap on whenever i felt the urge (not just late late at night when i should be sleeping)! dina puts together a most fabulous newsletter. there are many many talented women at scrapgal. stop by!