wtf.

blogger won't let me upload a photo. fuck.
over the last week or so i've noticed myself changing.
becoming afraid.
afraid to say what's on my mind.
afraid to do what i want. when i want. how i want.
wtf.
it's almost like i am afraid to become vested in this new place.
i feel excited (when up at the house, among other times).
i want to scream out the things that before all this crap happened, i would have had no problem doing.
but something is stopping me.
i fucking need therapist dude.
i am getting mother fucking pissed at not being able to paint.
being in the classroom today, generating excitement about painting, watching all those kids paint. it was pure.
i need that back.
what the fuck do i have to do to get it.

here ya go H!

photo taken 10.27.09.
i look tired.
oh. maybe that's because i am.
fucking tired.
sleep issues are semi back.
if they ever went away.
i am happy here.
well, i can be.
i'm actually a little afraid of being happy.
because i know the flip side of that.
i have tried damn hard not to let james' death make me afraid.
but it has.
every once in a while i start to feel good. a little bit happy.
and it scares the shit out of me.
not because i don't want to be happy. i do.
i guess because it reminds me of how i used to live life.
pretty much at full throttle.
it reminds me of what i used to have.
that i used to feel emotion sooo deeply.
i still feel emotion deeply, but it used to be happy emotion (for the most part).
but then that changed.
i've been trying to protect myself. and the boys.
i guess i'm not ready to stop doing that.

things i've noticed.

this is jason. my builder. he will also be my neighbor. see that house up in the top right corner? that's his house. i love jason's demeanor. he is chill. easy-going. he used to own a boat and crab fish. nice. i dig that shit. boats, any dude with a boat.....fishermen...,pretty much any fucken dude in the coast guard....don't know why i just eat that shit up.

spent about an hour with jason today up at the house. made some decisions about windows and other exterior wall issues. made some changes to the flooring downstairs. it was totally effin cool to see what they've done to the house in the last couple of days. when i go back tomorrow at 11am (another meeting with jason), the entire second level should have been framed. right fucken on.

i have noticed:
there are some huge ass spiders here. ICK. i hate spiders.
the principal of E's school stands outside EVERY SINGLE MORNING and greets the kids as they come off the buses and/or are dropped off by their parents. that's way cool. a principal that actually knows the kids, and they know him. concept. wasn't that way in reno.
coffee is big here. everyone drinks coffee! and not just in the morning but all fucken day long. guess i'll fit right in here.
it smells so good here. i want to fully appreciate that every fucking time i go outside. i never want to take that for granted.

the beach where the shipwreck is.....at first i wasn't that crazy about that beach. now? can't fucking get enough of it. i love it. still think i like the other beach in long beach (i think it's long beach)....it has so much character. but the shipwreck beach...i like it too.

getting ready to teach my first art lesson on thursday. holy crap. other than planning the occasional lame-o school party, i haven't 'officially' been in the classroom for 8 years now!! did i mention kindergarteners have the attention spans of ants? yeah. should be interesting. fun, i'm sure. but i'm not even sure, exactly, why i've been asked to do this. if i can get one kid to express himself/herself, to 'click' in some way with art....to remember something, ANYTHING about art in kindergarten, that will rock my world. i really really really want to touch these kids.....help them learn just one thing. all it takes is ONE thing to stick with them for a lifetime.

when you have a hangover, do not go to DMV.

been spending way more time at the beach than i should.
mostly to keep my sanity.
took callie (the dog) for her first time ever to the ocean this weekend.
she loved it.
the boys and i went for a long-ass walk on the beach on sunday.
callie came too.
nice break in the weather.
sundress over long sleeves, over jeans.
no jacket required.
perfect.
been trying for days to go to DMV to take my test so i can get my oregon driver's license and register my car.
today was not the day for that.
do NOT go to DMV to try to get your license when you have a hangover. just sayin.
woke up this morning (after not much sleep) and wasn't sure if i was still drunk or just mother fucking tired with a hangover.
spent some time with dale this morning.
he's the handyman that comes with the rental house.
that was nice.
he is now 'my' handyman (when we move into the new house) he will come and do whatever i need him to. lol...my mind is apparently in the gutter because that sounded dirty to me. ;-) okay...clearly i need to go to bed!!
talked to jan yesterday. a few times.
and today.
nice. and needed.
without her in my daily life i feel a huge void.
and that just sucks.
we are both having a hard time adjusting to not being close to each other.
it felt semi-normal talking to her today. like we weren't so far apart.
i need more of that.
going to be teaching a one hour art lesson in alexander's class once a week from now on.
should be interesting.
getting my shit together to start this week.
it's been so long since i taught i hope i can get it together.

fuck you.

got my nose pierced a few weeks ago. photos courtesy of jan (using my iPhone). they stick this pipe thing inside your nose so the needle doesn't pierce more than what you want pierced.

the chick brought the needle through and i literally wanted to beat the crap out of her. it fucking hurt. only for about 60 seconds, or so, but during that minute or two, while she cleaned up the blood on the inside of my nose, and while she clipped and bent the end of the stud, it really fucking hurt. after she quit fucking with it, it pretty much quit hurting.

jan and i were going to get tattoos together. we used to walk together a lot. she's taller than me. a lot taller. so when we would walk i would walk on the sidewalk and she would walk in the street. so i was usually on the left of her. i was going to get a tat on my right arm that said 'fuck'. she was going to get a tat on her left arm that said 'you'. we found this very amusing. but hey. that's just us. of course, once i knew i was moving, it didn't really make sense anymore. no one would get it.

having a harder time than i thought i would adjusting to living here. a big part of it is leaving everyone i know. another big part of it is living in someone else's house (while our house is being built). i don't really feel truly 'at home' in the rental house. doing my best not to let the boys sense this is how i feel because i want them to feel 'at home'.

wasn't truly prepared for the amount of isolation i would feel. another part of me having a hard time adjusting, is alexander going to kindergarten. i am so used to having him home that it feels extra strange to have three hours without him in the morning. AND he's decided to ride the bus home. so trippy. instead of driving to pick him up i walk over and pick him up as he gets off the bus. school starts really damn early here too. and i am so NOT a morning person. all these little things...so it's taking me a bit to adjust. i do love it here.....the ocean, the smells, the sounds...all amazing. i just still sometimes can't believe we moved. once i decided where i wanted to live, it all happened pretty damn fast. that's just pretty much how i roll. decisions are made on instinct and once i make up my mind, i can make things happen. course didn't hurt to have direction from therapist dude. i miss him.

unpacked and organized the itty bitty loft today. found my roll of canvas, brushes, paint, gesso and stretcher bars. got my work table and easel set up. motivating to paint. unfortunately i think i'm going to have to once again try to force some inspiration. maybe once i start it'll just flow. it could happen.

parting words.

self-portrait taken with my iPhone while driving to astoria (on moving day).

every couple of days the boys and i go to the property and look and see what's been done on the house. we now have a foundation! sweet. better than that, no rain for a few days so the foundation can dry.

october 3rd is the day the blood clot went to james' brain and he ended up in the hospital. today, a year ago this morning, is the day james died. the day i had him taken off of life support. the day i discussed organ donation out in the hall. this post isn't about boo hoo, how sad. it's for me to acknowledge how far we have come in the past year. am i sad? you bet your fucking ass. but, as harsh as this sounds, instead of being nothing but sad today i am choosing to look forward. we no longer live in hell. we live in a beautiful place. i am AT the ocean. it smells good. the sounds are amazing. life goes on. it sucks. and it doesn't. i wish more than anything to have james back. but that will never happen. so i am figuring it out and showing the boys that we can do this while helping them remember their father, how much he loved them....and telling them what he would want for them. trying to help them become even anything remotely close to what he was. if i can do that, THAT will be amazing. because james was the best man i have EVER met.

therapist dude's parting words to me were, 'you can choose to be sad. you can choose to be happy. OR....you can choose to be mother fucking happy. i hope you choose the last one.' i have thought about what he said. i am choosing not to be sad. i still have deep, piercing make me want to vomit moments. i get through them and move on. i haven't quite gotten to 'happy' or 'mother fucking happy' but i'm working on it.

we're here!

this is where i live now.

took the boys to see the sea lions today after school.

after the truck was unloaded on sunday we took a break before unpacking and headed to the astoria column. look closely and you will see my brother, ethan and alexander running up to the column.

lots and lots and lots of driving. boys did well. dogs weren't happy. we were all tired. but overall the trip was good. things were ahead of schedule. the loading and unloading went well. my brother flew out on monday. it's just me and the boys. no jan. no therapist dude. but we're here. it's surreal.

got the boys registered in their schools and they have started. that's been the hardest part on E. not knowing anyone at school. having no one to play with at recess (for the 2 days he's gone to school now). alexander is uber happy because in astoria half day kindergartners get to eat lunch at school. it's a dream come true. he's SO tired of always waiting 2 years for everything E gets to do. so he was jacked up when he found out he didn't have to wait that long to get to eat lunch at school.

unpacking. but ONLY what we need for the next 6 months. went and checked the progress of the new house. more about that later. now i must get the little muffins ready for bed. in reno school started at 9:30am. here....it starts at 8 fucking 10 am!!!! that is just wrong. it's going to take some adjustment that is for damn sure. but it's all good. went to the beach this morning (in the rain). it's just all good.

one thing that i have been trying to ignore....i miss having someone to tell me it's all going to be okay. someone to hold me. to comfort me. i don't fall apart. i think partly because i can't. because i am it. the boys rely on me. i talk to them. i am honest with them. they have been overall really damn good about this entire move. i just wonder if i am pushing my feelings deep down and if that's ultimately going to be a bad thing. i wonder what would happen to me if i let all those feelings out. i wonder if there will ever by anyone in my life who would want to be there for me like that. i can't imagine it. and i don't often let myself think about it.

my last appointment with therapist dude.

therapist dude bought blue dot.
he asked me to hold it until our last session.
that was today.
he always comes outside to get me.
when i got out of my car today he saw me with a painting all wrapped up.
when he saw it he said, 'so this means you're moving to astoria on saturday.'
it was a hard appointment.
one in which i cried.
a lot.
i am sick to fucking death of crying.
therapist dude asked me to think about what i wanted to walk away from our sessions with.
i told him it's clarity, direction and a way to deal with the guilt i feel.
i get buried in the shit and can't see a way out.
i get stuck on one small thing and can't move forward.
at all.
he openly gave me direction.
made it seem easy to complete what once seemed impossible.
even though this move is something i want....
the last couple of weeks have been extremely mother fucking hard.
basically sorting through our life together and keeping very little.
saying goodbye to friends.
but mostly it's been the way i feel like i am leaving james.
it makes no sense.
it's just how it feels.
i feel like i have lost something else.
with therapist dude i could discuss anything. everything.
no judgment, just guidance.
he was a positive in my life.
it just felt like i was losing a friend today.
i do think our patient/therapist relationship is unlike any other he's had.
he cussed at me.
i cussed at him.
we laughed.
i cried.
he listened.
he offered guidance/suggestions and flat-out gave me direction.
all of which i needed.
and still do.
but now won't have.
things are going to be different for me.
some of the issues that have been difficult here will be less so there.
other, new issues will arise, i am sure.
we all know i'm freaked out at being 100% responsible for the boys.
afraid of fucking them up.
but moving was my choice.
i think i feel even more scared than before.
because i now have one less resource.
therapist dude asked me to promise him i will paint once we're settled.
he said i need it.
and if painting isn't enough, find a new therapist in astoria.
and keep looking until i find someone i am comfortable with.
someone who won't make me pay their full rate.
he said if they want me to pay the full rate then they aren't interested in helping me.
they are interested in money.
therapist dude said i paint my emotions whether i intend to or not.
he said if he opened up blue dot he could show that to me.
i told him to not open blue dot until i was gone.
i vividly remember what he said today.
with the neutered and domestic thing we try to make it, remember....life is still a wild fucking adventure.
don't try and change that.
therapist dude gave me his email address.
apparently that isn't normally done after termination of the client/patient relationship.
he wants me to tell him how i'm doing.
he said if i need him, if i need a 'tune up'...let him know.
he gave me a hug before i walked out the door.
i'm pretty sure that's against the rules too.
but like i said before, that's one of the things i love about him.
he just doesn't give a crap about the rules....
between being exhausted.
sorting and packing up our lives.
helping the boys deal with their fear, anxiety, sadness.
dealing with my own emotions about james.
my own self-doubt about the decisions i have made.
selling my house (that is a fucking insane process btw).
buying a new house.
the crash course in everything i've had to learn to do these things.
dealing with the unsolicited advice about what i am doing.
saying goodbye to friends.
dealing with intentions that were right but somewhere along the line went wrong....
it has been a wild fucking roller coaster ride the last few weeks.


ps: not that he will see it, my nephew isn't allowed to read my blog because i cuss like a sailor...but anyway...happy birthday kyler! auntie loves you!!

the night didn't go exactly as planned.

i was trying so hard not to cry.
sitting in jan's car.
she went off on me.
telling me i won't look at this from anyone else's perspective.
i. can't. do. this. i tell her that.
there are still aspects of jan that i do not understand.
do not know.
i feel a lot of guilt.
i am making things more difficult for people.
taking some things away from the boys.
what opportunities am i opening up for them? that is unknown.
jan, gettin all up in my face.....it certainly gave me perspective.
also made the first half of our night together suck.
i shut down.
she is far more socially capable than i.
mediterranean for dinner.
then the hippy store.
still a lot of tension between us.
she doesn't seem to understand one of the things that makes me feel the worst.
the fact i am afraid our friendship won't survive the distance.
it certainly won't be the same.
she won't be right across the street any more.
no more 'just had to come over for a minute' convos that last an hour.
no more sharing our (almost) daily lives.
except by phone.
visits will be few.
have to be long weekends, over christmas break, or spring break.
i wasn't feelin it when thinking about the two of us going out.
i just had this feeling.
for the last couple of days i have felt like something bad was going to happen.
just felt 'off'.
i was so right.
the topic was not brought back up between the two of us.
it was just too raw.
my biggest fear is we won't survive the distance.
we will drift apart.
i want to be excited about moving.
our new location.
but i am afraid to be excited.
whether meaning to or not, the constant 'you're moving so far away', what are we going to do about christmas, how will the boys see each other....are you sure you have to do this....
it's all taking its toll.
i am already so full of self-doubt about this move, all the crap isn't helping.
i suck at the friend thing.
like holy shit kind of suck.
i usually just don't let people in.
jan.....i let her in. she did the same for me.
but this is like foreign fucking terriroty to me.
and i fuck things up.
i know if our roles were reversed, jan would not live her life for me.
she would do what she needed to do for herself, rachael and dan.
i am doing the same.
doing what i think is right for me. for the boys.
i am leaving her behind. her words.
when i first told her i was moving she was all, i will come and see you. yes. you know i will.
then it was..well....yeah...i'll come and see ya. sometimes.
now it's, hm.....can't make any promises.
whether it's right or not, it hurts me.
that she won't come no matter what.
maybe part of why i have been feeling like such shit lately is i feel like our time is limited.
and we are pulling away from each other before i'm actually gone so when saturday comes.....
both of us aren't crying.
i really don't let many people in.
it just never seems to end well.

what i will miss.

there is no excitement without risk.
i have a door from my bedroom out onto the patio in the back yard.
sometimes i go sit out there late at night.
IF the wind isn't blowing.
when it's a nice night, like tonight, i jam to tunes and sit.
i think.
sometimes i take a nice adult beverage with me.
sitting out on the patio late at night, superburrito (best fast food mexican i've ever had) and jan, dan and rachael are what i will miss about this place.
and that is it.
it is so hard to live my life exactly the way i want.
that responsibility/kids thing......
been feeling dizzy the last three days.
not nearly enough sleep.
too much stress. uh-huh.
but i am getting things done.
during my last appointment with therapist dude he taught me a new word. it's *no*.
i was like...dude...i know how to use the word no!!
he wasn't convinced.
he told me to go home and practice.
i told him no!
then i laughed.
and so did he.
packing up my painting stuff.
really made me miss painting.
how it feels to stretch canvas.
the smell of gesso and paint.
sure hope my desire to paint comes back full fucking force after the move.
holy crap i need that to happen!
time to get off the computer.
i should be packing.

10 days.

comfort and familiarity are nice.
but they aren't everything.
i want to be open to what is around me.
aware of it.
because i am scared of this move, i am likely to close myself off and live in a small portion of our new place.
hard to explain.
i will take the boys to school.
pick them up.
unpack.
take the boys and walk on the beach.
for a while, (maybe a long while), that will pretty much be my world.
i will be afraid to open myself up to anything more.
to meeting people.
uh..hello...fucking shyest person on the planet!
whose fucking brilliant idea was it to move where we will know almost no one!!!!
holy crap. i sometimes wonder what the hell i am doing.
maybe once i find a level of comfort in our new place that will change.
we will go exploring. literally.
but for me, personally, i am pretty sure i will be wrapped up tight.
i am aware of that.
and trying to force myself to be open to what is to come.
whatever that is.
this may seem dramatic, but over the last two weeks at times i feel exactly like i did when james first died.
i cry for no reason.
omfg i hate that!!!!
i feel an emptiness i can't even describe.
it makes me feel like the breath is being sucked out of me.
it makes my stomach hurt.
nothing makes me more angry.
i really don't understand it.
these horrible, intense, make me want to vomit feelings are coming back?! really?!
and then....they are gone.
and i can picture our new house, us living in astoria.
the boys and i, starting a new life.
i think it's the fact that james isn't going to be part of our astoria lives (i mean physically)....
he will never live there with us.
that makes me so sad.
how something i've wanted for so long can leave me with such conflicted feelings fucken pisses me off.
i don't want to live closed off.
i really do want to be open to what is to come.
to not settle....to not just get by.
i want to feel passionate about something....everything!
i want to wake up and feel fucking jacked up.
when someone makes you laugh, or does something kind, or unexpected, it leaves you feeling, hm....almost a little lighter. a little bit happy.
i want that in my life again.
but i also don't.
because if i experience it, i will want more.
and that really truly scares the crap out of me.
maybe i'm afraid to live all out, because i would be doing it without james.
and if i did that, and was the slightest bit happy, i'm not sure i could handle the guilt.
when i start to feel that way, i try to think how i would feel, what i would want for james, if i had been the one that died.
i would want him to be happy.
i'm not sure why i am having such a hard time with this.
logically i know that my being happy again doesn't mean i don't love james.
i fucking have issues.
i am sad (and actually dreading) the fact i see therapist dude only one more time before we go.
he helps me see things more clearly.
i need that.

11 days.

if i don't take photos, i forget.
where we've been.
what we've seen.
the boys' reactions to where we are.
i love this shot of E.
a kid, throwing a stick, there's just something carefree about that.
and that's what his life should be like at this age.
a few shots of the place we are moving to.
it's all strangely surreal to me.
it's like i won't believe it until i see it.
it somehow doesn't seem like it's really happening.
having told the boys' teachers that their last day will be the 25th, word is spreading.
apparently we are big news.
people need fucking lives.
people that i didn't think know who i am, know who i am.
and came up to me tonight at the spaghetti dinner (fund raiser for the boys' school).
apparently my reputation precedes me.
apparently someone's husband dying is still big news. this many months later?! really??!!
this shit is NOT following the boys to their new schools.
no one will know our circumstances.
we will be able to start fresh.
i am looking forward to that.
no one will walk up to me in the middle of alexander's classroom and tell me how sorry they are my husband died.
yes, i know he was trying to be polite.
but people don't get it.
that is a conversation to be had OUTSIDE the classroom in a private setting, not one where every kid (and parent) in the classroom can hear you.
school is supposed to be a 'safe' place for the boys.
not a place where they have to have their father's death put right back in their faces again.
so i didn't handle it well.
i looked at the dude and said, 'someone just kill me now', turned around and walked away.
he, of course, was floored. didn't understand my reaction.
therapist dude and i talked about this event.
he said, 'really? that's exactly what you said and did?'
uh...yeah.
people really don't get it (yes..i KNOW he was trying to be nice)...
but i don't want that shit brought to the school!!!
therapist dude laughed.
couldn't believe i actually said those words.
i told him, 'yeah, i know, i didn't handle it well.'
he said you know what?
you handled it fine.
you handled it how you handled it.
now move on.
feeling overwhelmed.
excited.
sad.
happy.
so so so much to do!!

every 6 years or so.

my best friend's name was darcy.
we grew up together.
we smuggled a cat into her mom's apartment (after her parents split up).
darce's mom was a softie and ginger (the cat) stayed.
darce (and her mom, susan) introduced me to hot chocolate pudding served over buiscuits.
i thought it sounded disgusting.
but it was SO good.
i snuck out of her house to hang with my boyfriend who was going off to bootcamp the next day.
we spent so many hours staying up all night, talking, laughing.
talking about everything. anything.
when we were in highschool (she was a year older than i), we were driving around in her yellow bug.
darcy ran a stop sign and we ran into another car.
i went through the windshield, was unconscious and was taken by ambulance to the hospital.
darcy was not injured (physically).
she was shaken. understandably so.
one of the people in the other car broke a leg.
the second person was uninjured.
we were young, and stupid. and had been drinking.
i ultimately ended up having plastic surgery on my face (the windshield thing)...
after the accident, my relationship with darcy changed.
i often wondered what happened.
what had i done.
our friendship basically ended (or so it seemed anyway).
until i heard that her mom died.
at this point she is living in georgia.
i am in, yes...sucky nevada.
james and i went to the funeral (which was in california).
darcy and i somewhat renewed our friendship.
she called me a while after that.
it was then that she told me she felt guilty (about the accident).
she just didn't know how to deal with it, and that's why we drifted apart.
she felt guilty.
it was like a lightbulb went off inside my head.
of course.
i told her it wasn't her fault!!
we talked about it for a long, long time.
then six years went by.
we didn't keep in touch.
then out of the blue she called me.
again, we got all caught up....said we'd stay in touch...and of course we didn't.
fast forward to tonight.
yes. i talked to darce.
she didn't know james died.
she didn't know we're moving to astoria.
but now she does.
she now knows my youngest son's name is alexander harrison danger reed.
i freakin love alexander's name. come on. danger??!! the kid digs it.
the sad thing is, i don't think darcy ever got over the guilt she felt about the accident.
but i never, EVER held it against her.
it was an accident!!!
we were both stupid, and drinking.
she was just the unfortunate one to be driving.
could just as easily have been me.
i hope it won't be another 6 years until we speak again.
she wants to see photos of me and the boys. the boys and i? whatever.
i want to see her now 14 year old daughter, jordan.
i think about darcy often and have over the years.
it was nice to talk to her.
since she doesn't facebook, or text message and rarely checks her email, i'm guessing it'll be another 6 years until we talk again.
i told her to get with the fucken times (come on, you thought there was going to be an entire post with NO bad language?) and FB, text and start using email!

pwdlwpdlwpdlwp

it's cloudy and cool.
my kind of weather.
two weeks from today i will be driving.
with 2 kids, 2 dogs and a lot of crap.
it's going to be strange living in someone else's house while our house is being built.
trying to ease the boys' fears about moving.
they are very concerned that we will be leaving without our furniture.
and the computer.
uh...have ya met me?
no fucking way i'll be w/o internet!
it's interesting what upsets them and what they don't seem terribly worried about.
E is not looking forward to being yanked out of 3rd grade.
i know he will be okay.
he will make new friends.
but i don't like that my decision is causing him stress.
next weekend (saturday) jan and i are hangin.
no kids (not even rachael).
we talked yesterday, both of us close to tears.
not sure wtf i'm gonna do without her.
been doing a lot of yoga.
to try and keep my heart from exploding.
E fell and hit his head.
ER instructed me to wake him up a bunch of times at night to make sure he would, in fact, wake up. and yeah, if he doesn't be sure and bring him in. ya think?!
had to do that when he was a baby (he hit his head then too).
that kind of shit is stressful.
looking forward to the move being done.
to getting settled into the rental house.
and watching the progress as our new house is being built.

nbvnbvcbvbxvb

another no photo post (which sucks).
not feeling artistic, or creative.
my closest friends are pulling away.
before i'm even gone.
makes me sad.
but it doesn't make me change my mind.
just makes me stronger in my resolve.
it reaffirms that i am doing the right thing for us.
that taking care of us...and us only...it is what i need to do.
i sing in the car. actually i rock out. and i don't care that people stare at me.
i don't do it for the attention. i would prefer people NOT stare at me. but whatever.
i do it because it is me.
i need music right now.
i am used to being the odd one out.
i prefer to do my own thing, not blend in with the crowd.
i don't go out of my way to be a freak (yeah, i know, you don't have to say anything to that)!!
apparently i'm a freak by nature. lol.. and i'm down with it.
i don't really care if i fit in.
i am trying to impart that to the boys.
it's a hard thing....kids naturally want to fit in.
i just want my kids to stand on their own.
to stand up for what they believe in (whatever that ends up being).
i am prearing myself.
to go to a new place.
where we know almost no one.
for what that will be like.
having no one to turn to.
might not even be able to call jan.
might just choose not to call her.
i think i have spent so much time hating it here i haven't really pictured in my mind what it will be like when i actually live somewhere where i don't hate it.
the move, selling my house, buying a new one...all the change that is about to take place...it is overwhelming.
dealing with my feelings about feeling like i'm leaving james....
yes, he will always be a part of me.
but this is harder than i thought it would be.
i am talking to the boys about it. a lot. every day.
the more we talk about it, the less scary it will be for them.
they know our plan, step by step.
yoga tonight.
and more ibuprofen.
then hopefully sleep (last night i barely slept at all and that just sucked)!

aoerpaqoeriawoeir

peoples' actions speak louder than words.
the amount of suckage i have dealth with in the last two days???!!!
holy shit.
but i am fucking walking away.
letting it go.
finally made a fucking decision about the house today.
holy shit wtf is wrong with me.
took me a freaking week to make this decision???
what the hell.
pretty damn tired of everyone giving me their two cents.
about every move i make.
didn't ask ya. so shut the hell up.
i am doing what i think is right for us. me. and the boys.
i don't need your analysis.
or opinion. unless of course i ask you for it.
i just keep saying the same thing.
i'm not gonna sit around here and bitch about being unhappy.
i am going to make some fucking changes.
if it works out? great.
if not? i'll fucking figure it out.
at the very least i will have done....something!! at least tried to change things!!
i can't make things better for everyone.
right now...i just don't have it in me.
i can take care of the boys. they come first.
the others??
you made choices.
now you have to live with them.
i cannot make it better for you.
and if i could?
i'm not even sure i want to.
because every time you were given the opportunity?
you failed us. james. the boys.
so now....you get to deal with it.
maybe in time i will want to make it better.
maybe in time i will try.
but not now.
am i a shitty person for that?
probably.
but it is what it is.
i am going to miss therapist dude.
he is my reality check.
puts me back in the right direction when i go off....
he makes me hear things.
like it's not my fault james died.
i am not sure i will ever get over the guilt of taking james off life support.
therapist dude says i need to find someone in astoria.
look until i find a good connection like he and i have.
he wants me to keep seeing someone.
yesterday was alexander's first day of kindergarten.
he was SO excited. and happy.
i was excited and happy for him.
that is all he saw.
he had no idea that inside i was sad.
because james wasn't there to see alexander go off to kindergarten.
you know...truly...since james died i HAVE put the boys first.
even before james died the boys came first...but now?? even more so.
i put aside my feelings, to take care of theirs.
there are people in our life that are not capable of doing that.
and that is sad.
while alexander and E were at school i took that opportunity to take some of james' clothes out of our closet and donate them. it needed to be done. realistically i can't pack all of james' things. i would like to, and the boys would like me to. but it's not realistic. so while they were gone, so they wouldn't be distressed, i took an entire car load of james' things to goodwill. i am not done.
i can honeslty say me not making them feel better about what they have done...it is the first time i have been like this. it is the first time i have been this strong in how i feel. i am not a mean person. but i am not over it. the fact they can't put their own emotions aside for the boys? that is just damn sad.
it's been an emotional few days which makes me crazy.
emotions suck. they are just so messy.
the closer i get to making this happen...i just have such mixed feelings.
happiness, excitement....but i also feel that sick to your stomach feeling. because even though i know it's crazy, i do feel like i am leaving james.

smores and jellyfish.

in case anyone doesn't get this, my scarcasm is my defense mechanism.
it is how i keep you out.
it is how i don't show you my true feelings.
it stems from a flip attitude.
if you care about nothing nothing can hurt you.
i am scarcastic by nature.
i would guess to some, it seems extreme.
i think people don't get it.
they think holy crap. wtf.
they see it as me being angry.
they don't understand it for what it truly is.
because of this i am often amused at people. by people.
their responses to things i say and things i do.
i laugh when things are funny.
that is pretty much the extent of emotion you will see from me.
when the fluffy make me gag emotion starts to come out i make it stop.
sometimes i am quiet.
i am always thinking.
i freak out if i don't have access to the internet (and some sort of news on a daily basis).
i giggle when i drink.
i am shy.
painfully shy.
but once i get to know you there is nothing i won't say or do.
i hate being in large groups of people.
when i am in a group of 4 or more i basically shut down.
i can't deal.
if i love you there is nothing i won't do for you.
i am not mean.
i try to be in tune to those around me.
to be kind. and caring.
polite.
so get a fucking grip people.
my scarcasm has been a big part of how i have dealt with james.
i am harder now.
yes, that is true.
which is sad, actually.
but i am also not hard.
if i ever let my guard down i know what would happen.
because i feel things so strongly.
i am afraid of what would happen to me if i let my guard down.
because of how i do things.
how i just jump in.
it's like this constant struggle.
me wanting to live all out.
but not being ready for that.

therapist dude made me laugh today.

E's first day of 3rd grade.
he was apprehensive.
he did not want to go.
but he did.
wearing his cons.
right on.
one of the hardest things is what has been taken from the boys.
james was not there today.
and E wanted him to be.
therapist dude told me i'm shitty at accepting a compliment.
uh...fucking duh!
then he laughed and said, 'you know, i don't cuss at all my patients.'
which made me laugh.
then he said, 'i'm going to pretend to be you. only i don't have a fucking sailor mouth so i'll leave out all the bad words.'
which made me laugh again.
he told me i am making things happen.
he says i make it look effortless and he is amazed by that.
that surprised me (the make it look effortless part).
because i feel like i don't know what the hell i am doing.
i am full of self-fucking doubt.
there is too much i don't know about selling a house.
buying a house.
having a house built...what i should and shouldn't do in that regard.
what's best for resale vs. what's best for our needs at this time.
he told me to try to see it from his perspective.
feeling guilt about moving is something i did not anticipate.
and it is totally pissing me off.
therapist dude says that guilt is unwarranted. misplaced. misguided.
he says i am dealing with the aftermath and doing what i think is best for me and the boys.
honestly (and i've been thinking a lot about this)....
i think i am afraid to not feel guilty.
because if i don't feel guilty it will be almost like admitting i am able to go on with my life.
maybe more that i WANT to go on with my life.
and i do.
i just really didn't anticipate how it would feel to do it.
it wasn't my choice....but i am now able to picture something without james.
that just makes me feel bad.
not much sleep in the last few days.
quick trip to astoria over the weekend.....
i'll talk more about that later.
right now i am tired.
and i'm going to bed soon.

can't stop listening to DMB.

there was something about james.
when i met him.
how we just went together.
belonged together.
we just sort of met, and never left each other.
i believe what james and i had, not many people find.
was it perfect? of course not.
but what we had, i really truly believe it's rare.
i still wonder if i will ever come out the other side of this.
i mean, i know i will....but will i ever be anything close to the person i used to be?
after i began to realize and understand what had actually happened.....
literally for weeks i was sick to my stomach. no. make that months. my body was cold.
i would throw up. my body would shake and shake....it is as close as i have ever come to complete and total breakdown.
that still happens to me.
there are still times when i am so sick to my stomach, that i can't eat. my body shakes and just won't stop.
there are other times.
when i feel like i'm beginning to figure some things out.
i begin to feel a little bit of excitement about a decision i've made.
about where we're going to live.
and yes, i know deep in my heart james would want me to be happy.
he would want me to move.
that's not the issue.
the issue is the guilt i am beginning to feel about moving on with my life.
moving on just doesn't feel right.
i have a huge mother fucking hole in my life.
i think unless you have experienced what i have (and am lucky to have had in my life), then you can't truly understand what i have lost.
even though james was sick for 10 years, we were still us. we lived our lives the way we wanted. except for the physical stuff james couldn't do (fly, climb, hike)....
during that 10 years our lives changed yet i still understood how lucky i was.
i can't imagine not having met james and having him in my life.
i have not stopped loving james. that will never happen.
a few months after he died i did things.
things i shouldn't have done.
and felt no guilt over them.
it was me blindly trying not to feel so empty.
trying to focus on something...anything...else.
so why is it now i feel so much guilt about trying to move on with my life.
that is something i SHOULD be doing.
something to discuss with theraist dude i am sure.
i spend so much time trying NOT to think about james, sometimes when i do let myself think about him, it's almost shocking. it feels overwhelming. and that is a minor fucking understatement.
i think therapist dude was right.
the more action i take to make changes, to buy a new house, to sell our house, to actually move...the more guilt and strong emotions i am feeling. yay. (yeah...scarcasm).
i just want to feel a little bit of happy.
so why is it now, when i'm doing things that i 'should' be doing...like trying to move on with my life and figure out how to live it without james...why is it now i am starting to feel so much guilt.
that is not something i anticipated happening.

asdeopoerakldfka;d

i have a thing for lighthouses.
like i have a thing for boats.
like i have a thing for the ocean.
this is north head lighthouse.
and it's beautiful.
6 more days and E begins 3rd grade.
2 weeks from today alexander begins kindergarten.
i wasn't sure i could survive the summer.
but i did.
the offer i put in on the new construction house has been accepted.
i'm flying back this weekend to meet with the builder and actually look at the property and some other houses he's built....basically to work out the details of our deal and make sure i like what i see.
estimated completion date is march 15th.
if my house sells sooner, rather than later, i'll rent a house in our new location until the new house is done.
trying to be true to who i am, what i want, and what is good for the boys.
if i am making a mistake, well.....i'll figure it out.
but at least i won't have just sat here....complaining...being unhappy.....doing nothing about it.
therapist dude said my episode on the beach was me dealing with some of my grief.
he said it's me, figuring out how to live without james.
feeling guilty about what i'm doing, feeling like i'm betraying james by trying to be happy.
by actually moving.
it's just something i've thought about for so long.
it seems almost surreal that it's actually happening.
therapist dude said to me, right in my face, i am doing nothing wrong.
james would want me to do this.
he asked me if james spoke to me on the beach.
i was like...uh...are you a crazy fucking person?
he said, kimberly, you know in your heart what james wants for you.
so tell me.
because he spoke to you on the beach.
he spoke through you, as you were walking that same path back and forth for two hours.
i don't like crying because it's a loss of control.
therapist dude says i keep things deep down, that i don't often let myself express emotion.
and when i do i see it as a sign of weakness.
he may be right. i do see crying as a sign of weakness (in me only)....NOT in other people.
in other people, i see it for what it is.
i feel strong emotion (all the fucking time), just rarely express it, especially when i'm around others.
you could look at me and have absolutely no idea i'm screaming on the inside.
or that i'm choking back emotion.
what you will see is someone smiling, being polite....breathing...pushing it all down...away....
how is it possible to feel excited AND so sad about something is beyond me.
but that's how i feel about moving.
excited to be leaving here.
but sad too, because this is the place we shared with james.
and dude.
i never EVER thought in a million years i would say i am sad about leaving here.
because yes. i hate it that much.
i feel like i am abandoning james.
therapist dude says that i am not.
i know i am not. that is stupid.
but emotions have a way of screwing up the logic.
therapist dude said to expect more freak outs as the move progresses.
oh. yay.
i told him i'm opting for the get drunk and forget all the shit plan.